Did I fail as a guardian when a 13-year-old ran away?

[FosterGuardian]

I feel like a failure and can’t stop crying.
I became a guardian of two siblings. I really struggled with the youngest who is 13 years old. The struggle was they were against every rule I gave and rebelled to everything I did. I tried to implement independence, teaching them to do laundry clean up after themselves etc. I also have rules on screen time and found they were talking to strangers online, which I put a stop to. This created an uncomfortable atmosphere at home which eventually lead to the child running away at 5am.
this child has friends who do not have as many rules which obviously made it more difficult. There were a number of issues that came up which I raised with social services but I felt I didn’t get much support and was left with issues. The child refused to talk to me, refused to eat etc but social services hardly came to check on us when we were in crisis.
The child ran away and went to another family member who is not checking their screen time, does everything for the child (Landry etc) so this child has basically got everything they want now and I feel like the child will not learn the consequences of their actions

Did I fail, was I in the wrong?

I think I just need some perspective

I wouldn’t personally expect a 13 year old to be doing their own laundry. A bit of cleaning up after themselves is good. Talking to strangers is an absolute no. Sounds like maybe you’d bitten off more than you can chew and these kids need proper professional support. Doesn’t sound like there’s much hope for this child now, running away at 5am

I wouldn’t be expecting a child to do many chores besides keeping their room tidy, it’s the summer hols let them relax and be carefree. Sounds like they have come from a traumatic background so a bit of TLC is probably needed.

I think we can show children laundry and maybe ask them to throw a wash on under our watchful eye, but it’s a minefield anyway, all parenting is! Will you have any access to them because ye could possibly do with an adult sort of talk with you saying you are and were looking out for them. No guilt, no blame, just a chat and a hug

Why did you become guardian? Often children need love, care and nurture if they have been through trauma. Not independence skills and laundry

I have been in the children’s lives for their whole life, I am a family member and they needed a guardian. With regards to the laundry I didn’t make them do all of their laundry, I think you have taken that the wrong way. I implemented learning to do laundry for example they would wash a few of their items every week. The 14 year old has been fine with all of the this. The running away happened after I had found that this child had stated they wanted to self harm. I found items they could use to do this, so removed the items and I tried to talk to them. This conversation led to the child running away

My kids have done their own laundry from age 11. There is nothing wrong with that.

kids need both boundaries and love, especially those who have had a rough time in the past. You’ve done a great job setting boundaries so keep being there to love the kid too. Are you still in contact and can you offer to them a place to come back to when they need stability?

It only happened this week and I haven’t had a chance to see or speak to them yet. The eldest sibling is still living with me but the 13 year old is refusing to come back so social services are placing them with their other family member.

You haven’t failed. I think a lot of 13-year-olds would run away to another house when they don’t like the rules, if that was an option for them. The only reason it doesn’t happen more is plenty of them don’t have another house to run away to. Kids thrive with boundaries and consistency, even if they act like they don’t like it. In time this child might realise they were better off with you.

The OP was probably thinking about the kid’s future by teaching them how to do laundry. If they’re in a guardian situation now it’s very likely they’ll be in some kind of supported living and expected to do it themselves by 16 and completely alone by 18. Unfortunately kids like this need to learn how to look after themselves a lot younger than kids with loving families do. It was good thinking on the OP’s part.

OP it’s not your fault. What was the alternative? Let them do whatever they want and have no respect for you and your house? That would’ve made you feel like shit and would’ve done the kid no favours. At least you know they’re safe. That’s the main thing. So you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sadly I’m not surprised at all that social services don’t give a shit. The whole system is a joke.

Ignore the responses purely focussing on the laundry. 🙄.

You didn’t fail. You putting boundaries to keep them safe. Talking to online strangers at 13yo - and especially a vulnerable 13yo - is extremely high risk. Traumatised teens are high risk for radicalisation and grooming.

You did the right thing removing items they could self harm with after they indicated they are at risk.

What you have is a traumatised 13yo who has been failed by the system who should have been providing you and them with counselling etc from day 1 that they needed to be removed.

They need both. I spent my teenage years in a care home and we were taught nothing about independent living. Literally everything was done for us. Even more than it would in a normal family. When I was turfed out at 16 into supported accommodation the staff there expected that I’d know how to work a washing machine and clean a toilet. I hadn’t a clue. So it was a much tougher start to adult life than it would’ve been if it’d gradually been taught a bit of independence from 13