No diagnosis for ND and struggling with 7yo daughter

[Twentytwentytoo]

7yo daughter has been struggling/challenging for about 7 years..

On a good day she is charming, affable and talkative. She's nurturing, funny and polite.

On a bad day she's controlling, aggressive and oppositional. Screaming 'Im going to kill you' etc, full body meltdown, needs holding etc.

She's also a worrier, emetaphobic and highly empathetic.

At school she's sociable and focused, though increasingly nervous. She's also really smart. We have zero issues (previous meetings with senco are shocked to find out how home life is).

My friend referred us to a child and Adolescent Psychologist for private assessment. On the day of the assessment she was charm city.

Annnyway, the psych said there was no evidence of ND. I could see that as we answered honestly, our answers didn't fit his criteria.

He did say, she's very smart (iq 118) and a worrier, and that sometimes kids who are achievers can be challenging.

I was blown away. Even though I know she doesn't present as typically ADHD or Autistic, I thought we would have some indication.

I wanted a diagnosis for 2 reasons.
1, so she doesn't feel like a shit human. After most meltdowns we have 'why am I like this? 'What's wrong with me' etc
2, so school can support if and when this carries over. As it happens, over the last year she's been increasingly late (I know this is minor, but just as an indication).

We have videos and are starting to document. She only does this at home. My mum and dad who occasionally have her and our other daughter, see glimpses (daily tummy aches, worries etc) but not the meltdowns.

It has made us feel a bit like we're over-reacting. But then I look back and I remember that we did try cranial osteopathy, and play therapy, and a parenting coach, and been on courses via school, so obviously this has been hard for years.

I don't know really, I feel lost as to how to get her support, and us too if I'm honest.

When she's out of the house (and we just have younger kiddo) it's so much easier. When she's back we're wondering what version of her we're going to get.

I'm 90% sure she has pda. I suppose whatever happens next we'll get through it as best we can, but we know that this isn't normal, and we're struggling.

Any experience or insights are welcome!

Thanks for reading

You don't need a diagnosis just do your research and alter your parenting to how to parent a child with pda and see if that works

If you think she is pda, implement a low demand approach. It really is a game changer. You don't need a diagnosis.

What support are you expecting ? You said yourself she's fine in school. Is it possible that you're creating anxiety with your reactions at home ?

Did they psychologist give any indication of what was the driver behind the behaviours you’re seeing if it’s not ND?

@fumingrightnow1 yes defo. I guess I was wanting some degree of certainty. I think we do parent this way (for the most part) but I was still expecting a different outcome. That’s on me I suppose

@ThaneOfGlamis I’d heard of this after reading the explosive child. Will refresh myself on it, thanks!

I was a bit like this as a child. I was bright but struggled a bit with emotions. Now I’m an adult there is zero indication of any sort of neurodiversity and I have a very well paid job and a generally happy life. Sometimes this stuff is just personality.

Were you hoping for a diagnosis as a way to stop people thinking your dd behaviour is your fault?

I had similar with DS - when he saw Ed psych he was always the most charming lovely child. He remains challenging at 24 - it think it’s sometimes a case of not every one feeling/thinking/behaving in the same way. DS was very/is very bright and quick witted very intelligent (NFERS he was always over 120)

@Sally3490 its entirely possible yeah! We’re working on that too.

I don’t expect any support from school right now, but if she’d had a diagnosis then school might be better placed to support her in the future. I guess I’m worrying about future needs based on other people’s experiences.

@Savvysix1984 not really. Though I’ve emailed them ahead of them sending their full report to share specific examples since our assessment.

@whatsit84 that’s great! Yes perhaps it is personality, though I’m not resolved (clearly)

@Blushingm good question! Probably on some level. I know we parent both our kids the same and we have completely different behaviours (I know all kids are different). But I suppose it would be good to know that we’ve not massively fucked her up by not supporting her needs.

I wasn’t trying to have a dig at you - I remember feeling at the time that if there was something ‘wrong’ with DS then his behaviour couldn’t be seen as my fault if that makes sense?

My DD is completely different to DS but same parenting and household but she’s calm and quiet and thoughtful and in no way impulsive or explosive like DS can be

I wanted a diagnosis for 2 reasons.
1, so she doesn't feel like a shit human. After most meltdowns we have 'why am I like this? 'What's wrong with me' etc
2, so school can support if and when this carries over. As it happens, over the last year she's been increasingly late (I know this is minor, but just as an indication).

It does seem that there is very often an unhelpful distinction that is drawn by society between neurodivergence and personality traits. If we have an ND label to affix to the behaviour then it is not the person's fault and society should adjust to accommodate them. If it is just a personality trait then it is the person's fault and no accommodations are offered.

But both can be innate and difficult or impossible to change.

I think it sounds like you're doing the right thing trying to document it and seeing if you can understand what triggers the behaviour. I have a family member who was incredibly emotional and had fits of rage as a child who has mellowed out now that she is an adult. I wish you the very best.

What are the triggers for her behaviour? Is it linked to being asked to do something/transitions/being tired or hungry? Could she be masking at school and letting it all out when she gets home?