Struggling with grief, parenting stress and difficult summer holidays

[Joelijane]

The summer holidays have been awful. My dad died in July and my mother in law is now on palliative care. We live a 6 hour drive away from both grandparents so having had to tag team supporting them and parenting alone since my dad was diagnosed terminally ill in Feb. I've been off work sick due to grief and stress since july after dad died. My job is to support people front line with their emotional/mental illness/distress and the filter I need to do my job well just collapsed. I have two sons age 9 and 7. My 9 year old is emotionally volatile, will wake up and argue terribly with his brother, screaming shouting fighting starting first thing. If they are home together they are 60% of the time arguing probably more often. We have used clubs sporadically. My youngest has autism. Just managed to toilet train him during my time off which is wonderful but i couldn't have done it without this gift of time. Basically I'm sad, I feel so down, I have no faith my 9 year old will ever be content or ok, he's incredibly jealous of his younger brother and wail and cries like a much younger child at times when he's annoyed with him. I've read so many books and resources on how to respond to his volatility but honestly no faith that any of it will make a difference. We do have moments of connection and we spend time together playing sport, watching a favourite show and talking about any struggles/achievements but its clearly not enough. I've also reduced processed food right down (two picky eaters)and screen times. I feel rinsed out. I also had my wisdom tooth removed 2 weeks ago and it feels like it's not healing from all the stress, it just still hurts. Lastly, I get sad that we don't really have friends or family that can help us / step into our space, we just weren't able to cultivate those kind of friendships partly because the kids were too tricky at different times. We have one good parent friends that I'd say I can reach too hut again don't want to scare them off with all the ugly bits!

Does any other parent experience this/feel like me? It's so bloody lonely, despairing at times and I have to say I generally dread the summer holidays which i feel immense guilt about. How does everyone else cope?

I have been there in terms of difficult children and social isolation and it’s tough.

you’re dealing with a lot right now so be kind to yourself, which is advice I’ve had but never really known how to follow. Hmm. I’m very sorry about your dad.

You mentioned books so you’ve probably read it, but you may find ‘The Explosive Child’ helpful?

Regarding your eldest - have you tried being draconian for a time? Warn him that xyz behaviours will lose him all of his tech/lego/whatever he values most, and then do it. He will likely make things hellish in the short term but once he realises that you mean it, and it will happen every time, he will begin to change. I have been through this with two of mine, and honestly I can say that it does work and once you realise that you do actually have the power to lay down the law, and you don’t have to always find a ‘nice’ way of correcting behaviour, parenting is so much easier. Of course this may not resonate with you, and please ignore it if it doesn’t.

I am sending you strength in any case, and you’re definitely not alone in dreading summer hols with small children.

Thank you. Yes, that books is great, I've recommended it to a good few people too. Thinking I need to revisit it. I do set down more specific boundaries with him/remove tech etc, time out in bedroom. I'm thinking it's the grief plus change of school year that is causing the emotional turbulence.