Struggling with children’s behaviour and my reactions, any advice please?

[Verity2000]

I am really struggling with my children’s behaviour and also how I react to it. I have two children DS6 and DD 4 1/2 (20 months gap)

My DD has always been a bit more challenging and emotional - she has a big personality, but my son was always a bit more happy go lucky, but since he turned six earlier in the year his behaviour has been appalling - a stroppy teenager. I find that they seem to take turns to either scream at me or be rude to me, not listening to anything I ask of them, and I’m increasingly on edge and at the end of my tether with no patience to manage them and
I’m starting to get extremely upset about it.

I’ve been trying to not shout and get cross and approach them gently but inevitably end up shouting at them multiple times a day and just feel miserable. My DH is great and it’s the same for him. I know the holidays can be disruptive for them but it’s been going on for months. My DH and I have also had a stressful few months work wise which hasn’t helped as we’re both exhausted. We try and limit screens and we’re quite good at this overall.

Has anyone else been through this and can give me advice of how to manage the situation?

Thank you so much - I feel like a rubbish Mum and want to be able to manage better but also would love to have one enjoyable day without multiple meltdowns.

I'm currently reading "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)" and finding it fascinating and very thought-provoking. I'd highly recommend it.

Gently doesn't work...even for a pet your training firm, non negotiable voice...defo not shouting..be the parent stand firm, warnings and consequences or your Gona end up with disasters if it continues

I think you need to work out with your DH what the consequences will be for bad behaviour/rudeness and then be very consistent. You don't have to be gentle but you do have to be calm and very firm - when you give a consequence (for instance, put them in their room for 5 minutes for being rude) then you have to follow through every single time. It won't change things overnight and you shouldn't expect it to. You are teaching them acceptable behaviour and that takes time and many many repetitions. But if you are firm and consistent, it will work. And it is showing them that you are in control and what you say goes.

My mum always said, pick your battles and make sure you win them! So if you say no ice cream or no screen time for bad behaviour, you don't back down or give in.

My ds is six in December and I have noticed a seismic shift shall we say of late. I don’t know if there is a developmental leap around now but he’s become very stroppy, argumentative and really quite rude, as well as very silly on occasion.

I think the book mentioned above is largely pointless if you have more than one child, to be honest, but I don’t really rate many parenting books.

I’ve been more shouty than usual this summer, have really struggled. I do sometimes point out I have asked nicely several times before raising my voice!

Agree with all the above - firm and clear boundaries. Plan in advance what the consequences will be so you aren't tempted to overeact in the moment and lay out something you can't/won't want to go through with. Let the boundaries and consequences be the enemy so you don't have to get cross.

You may already do this, but make sure there is loads of fun and smiles and relaxed time too so there's something to bother being well behaved for. It's so hard when you're exhausted and wrung out to not get uptight. But they do need fun and lightness (while engaging with mum and dad specifically, not just generally) to make being well behaved make sense.

I'm sure you're doing better than you realise. In any case 4 and 6 is still so tiny - you can make huges changes relatively easily at this age so don't feel hopeless!

Sleep is often harder in the heat of Summer. Try cooling your DC's bedrooms and sticking to an earlier bedtime. I would aim for 7:00pm lights out.
Have you tried having an outdoor walk before dinner?

I have 3 children aged 11, 8 and 3 and it's changed how I parent. My issues stemmed from the way I was brought up, it's been a real eye opener. I realise now I wasn't connecting with my children as I should be, and my reactions to them were more related to my own internal battles rather than the situation infront of me. I'd say it's not your standard parenting book, it's about all relationships in your life.

@Hotdoughnut thats great if if worked for you. We can all only say what we personally found, can’t we? Bluntly, I found it mawkish and packed with an agenda.