Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

I think your marriage is probably over.

DD has PDA & yes, that’s incredibly difficult to live with, but it’s as hard for you as it is for DH.

He still can’t be throwing drinks, remote controls etc & telling his children he wishes they weren’t around.

Op your marriage is over anyway unless his reaction was wtf did I do, we need help as a family as I can’t go on like this. And I honestly don’t ever say this but your children need to be out of this. You will all, including him if you need to justify it to yourself or him, be happier as separates

Bloody hell he sounds worse than her. He pushes her!! I think the house will be a lot calmer without him.

He is awful OP, I'm sorry.

I suspect he's trying to push you to end it.

Put your child first and leave this man

omg I can’t believe what I just read. He’s physically and emotionally bullying your ND daughter. He sounds absolutely vile.

I’m sure your daughter is hard to live with, but you seem to manage it without shoving her and saying hurtful things. I don’t always think you should choose your adult kids over your spouse but in this case he sounds like an abusive arsehole

It sounds like he should have left years ago. I bet all your lives are immeasurably better once he's gone.

ETA I bet he already has somewhere (someone) lined up to go to, but he wants it to be all your fault.

So sorry, that sounds dreadful.

I can't see her easily developing the skills to live an independent life, when her home life is so destabilising, and violent too. She's probably developed quite a lot of self-hate from him which is going to need working through.

So I don't think it's healthy for her to live with him anymore. Also for you, surely you'd be happier with him not around. Poor you having to deal with this.

In fairness people with PDA can be extremely hard to live with, family or not.

I know you think his parental love / biological connection should override that, but he obviously doesn't feel like that.

Obviously best that you divorce so they can get away from each other.

I'd take him up on his offer.

Of course he's the bad guy in all the comments. The man always is on here.

He’s the parent.
he’s not behaving like one.

I’ve got a 19 year old AuDHD DD with certainly a bit of PDA.
She has been dreadful to me over the years but I would never ever choose DH over her.
She didn’t ask to be here. She didn’t ask to be ND. However hard it is for us living with it (and I have exactly the same room tidying issues as you with DD) it’s harder for them.
DM me if you want a sounding board.
It sounds like your husband has made a choice/is giving you an ultimatum.
The difference is -he doesn’t need you. She does.

Choose your daughter.

How have the last 2 weeks been OP? He sounds awful I imagine him being gone is like the clouds have lifted.

I think you need to look at supported living for DD so your other children and you don’t become victims of her violence.

Alongside this your DH stays elsewhere and you end the marriage as you and your children shouldn’t have to live with anyone prone to violence.

Peopel who have PDA are hard to live with. Yes it’s a disability. But she snow an adult and you and your other 3 children deserve a peaceful life.

Having a PDA child is incredibly tiring and stressful but these days it's pretty straightforward to find out what kind of strategies work best and your DH seems to do the total opposite of those and to exacerbate things.

I agree with pp - let your him leave the marriage if he wants. Life will be calmer for you and your dd with PDA - and for the other poor children.

This!

I would pack his bags for him and say 'off you go then'

What a twat.

The things he says to her and the way he treats her is hideous. He pushed her??

I wouldn't have this man back in the house if you paid me.

Yeah sure 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’d always pick my child over any person, male or bloody female. His behaviour is awful. Are you saying you’d kick your child out in this situation?

He’s made his choice. He’s not taking any responsibility and he’s expecting you to do the work, make a decision for both of you so he can blame you and he’s dumping everything on you. That’s not a partnership.

Tell him it’s been a fun ride, but bye bye. What a dick head he is.

He wants you to end it because he fucked up.
he’s abused you and your daughter physically and verbally more than once. There’d be no going back for me

It's good that he left and has said he won't come back, rather than him trying to throw her out, at least you and DD have a home. I don't personally think he necessarily has someone else of a plan, i think he's assuming you'll apologise and beg him to come back (part of his lack of understanding of her condition, and he prob thinks you backing him up in the past shows that you think he's right, and she's really the whole problem.
For me, I could never choose a partner over my child (theoretically if an adult child was deliberately trying to remove the partner there could be an exception, but it doesn't read as tho thats whats happening here..) - hes given you an ultimatum, and I don't think you'd ever feel he had his DDs interests at heart now if you let him come back.