Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

I too think that your marriage is probably over. But there might be some hope if, as you say, you still love him.
Your daughter is 19 but you don't say at what stage of life she is at. Is it likely that she will be moving out soon anyway.
What I'd suggest is that you and DH have a trial separation so that you reestablish calm in your house. Could your DH live in Denmark for a while?
In the time you are apart, talk to your daughter and find out what she wants for the future and discuss how you can help her achieve this.
I think it would be extremely sad if you ended your marriage because of your daughter and she then just moved out and away, which is a possibility.
I'm not talking completely without experience. My eldest had PDA ( at least that's what I think it was, looking back) and he was extremely difficult to live with. Things did however get a lot better for me, my DH and the younger children once he moved out.

Why are you so triggered?

I am so sorry for you op. Your daughter is challenging but so is your husband and arguably more so. Do you think their personalities are actually similar and he is autistic/pda as well? He is definitely making her worse. Honestly I think you need to end the marriage and provide some safety and stability for her that she will not have had with him at home.

There’s no excuse for the physical violence from your husband.
No child is perfect; and that’s something you accept when you have children.
That said; it sounds like you are acting too late on your daughter’s behavior. Autism or not, she shouldn’t be shouting and swearing and this wont get her far in life. Whatever her needs may be, she does need to be able to function without this as her default reaction.

Her dad saying he wishes she was never born has likely done serious damage to her self esteem; I think at that point the line was crossed and there was no going back. Some action should have been taken by you and him as the parents before that point even; this point you’ve arrived at now is just way too late.
I think you need to just leave him alone, he has made his choice for now.
You could find a counselling appointment and go alone; explain what’s happened and ask if you can invite your husband to the next one; and see if he turns up.
Your daughter also needs urgent professional help I would suggest. I doubt they will ever recover their relationship even when she does move out… she will likely choose terrible men aswell I suspect as a result of this relationship with her father.
hugs to you op this is hard. Xxx

Sounds very like my ex husband with our 9 year old PDA son. Boy would shout/lose control and husband would respond the same way. Husband eventually walked out saying ‘the f*ing c**t’ had ruined his life’ (and this is a man who never swore!)
It took all of two weeks for my initially devastated, older two to say how much calmer it was without their dad in the house. And the relationships between the boys themselves improved no end because they weren’t stuck watching the multiple daily explosions.
You’ll be glad in the end when you realise that you don’t have to tread on eggshells like you used to (and yes, I also thought I had a great relationship with husband outside of the trouble we had with our boy)

Your husband is an abusive prick. I’d be agreeing with him that the marriage is over and tell him to fuck off.

One knows you're not a girl.

Any honest assessment of this place would show that, far from being full of Man Haters (TM), it's full of women in relationships with men who are controlling, abusive, bullying, lazy, violent and downright misogynistic, and yet they can't stop telling us how they're misunderstood and they're "great dads". Here we have an adult man who has set no example to his daughter, laid hands on her, shouted foul things at her and the usual Greek chorus is lining up to claim he's the victim because Man Hate (TM). Tbh I think some of them, including this one, do actually realise what an arsehole he is, but the need to correct the women of MN, claim male victimhood and cry Man Hate (TM) is their overriding MO and I suppose nowhere needs deflection more than a man who's unquestionably in the wrong like this.

Of those women on here who have been abused to the point of not loving men in general, they generally express it by not dating or sleeping with them. My God, how I wish the misogynistic men in real life would express their loathing of women by doing the same.

There's definitely been some sort of organised campaign going on, such as it is. I guess someone took the piss out of Reddit recently, that's usually what does it.

Problem solved! Your abusive, disgusting husband is gone and now you and your daughter don't have to live with physical and emotional abuse anymore, as well as gaslighting. Hooray!

The only thing I don't understand is you asking what to do. Finalise the divorce? Tell him to never come back? Why were you defending him in the first place? Why have you not divorced him already? The only question you should be asking yourself.

OP I’ve been in your position. Sorry to say you must side with your DD in so far as her knowing she’s loved, and getting the help she needs.

Your DH needs to grow up. He’s a partner, husband etc. As is bet you feel like you have more children to look after!

Best that you ended. Having a child with PDA and shouting them into chores is the worst you can do. He should educate himself. He has not that done this. Also is your daughter capable of entering the adult world? I have a relative with less issues but some and am fully prepared to see through with every possible help until I am on this planet, man or not man next to me

Aww angy boy has entered the chat :( why so angy, little boy? So angry it's almost cute.

OP realising her husband physically and verbally abusing her and their daughter is just man hate? of course it is, sweetie. Banish the daughter for daring to choose to have additional needs, she's obviously a problem child. Then this lovely, innocent man can go back home and abuse his other kids for not tidying their room and everyone can pretend like she never existed.

Have you spoken to your mummy about this? Those are some really big feelings. Try taking a deep breath and counting to 10 before commenting again. Or maybe you're just hungry? My 2 year old gets big feelings when she's hungry. Ask mummy to give you a fruit shoot and some animal crackers to calm you down.

What a completely ignorant take.

We spring to “man hate”?

I’m sorry but who the fuck would not immediate spring to hate a GROWN ASS ADULT telling his vulnerable disabled daughter he wishes she’s wasn’t here and is verbally & physically abusive.

Please stop with this whole “awww poor men, you nasty Mumsnetters just hate men” narrative for abusers. It’s fucking insulting.

There is no excuse for this man’s actions. None.

He has assaulted your daughter and verbally abuses her, and has done for years.
He works away, is in debt, and uses arguments to not share the financial load.

He's an utter waster.
Your marriage is over.
Your daughter should report him for assault.

You need family therapy. I wouldn't be with a man who responds like your OH, i would lose all respect, but your family dynamics sounds dreadful and you all need help. If he won't go with you for family therapy the marriage is over.

No advice but sending hugs OP x

Life will definitely be better without him. He is abusive and damaging your daughter and the things he has said can never be y said. His behaviour is unacceptable. As the adult he has to be the role model. Of course your daughter will shout and throw things if that is the behaviour he is modelling. Let him go and create a calm stable environment for your children and I think you will see much better behaviour from your daughter. Your husband should be saying let’s get help as a family not stripping off.

Sounds like he’s doing you a favour by leaving!

I would always be on my child’s side. No matter what, I can’t help it right or wrong

There are some non-negotiables in life no matter what a ‘good guy’ he is.
He should never lay his hands on a woman or a girl. Not to push, hit, shove, kick or any other physical act. Never.
He should not be emotionally abusive to vulnerable children who rely on him to learn self-worth and identity.
He should not refuse to financially support or be secretive with money or get into secret debt when he has a family to support and care for.

Is ot possible to live separately for a few years until your daughter is a bit older and can start a more independent life. It seems a shame that the other 3 kids have to lose their father over the prrdonalitybclash of father and dsughter. Is your husband posdibly also autistic ?

He shoved her? He is straight up abusive, get rid of the bastard

She might never be able to be independent unfortunately

I wouldn’t want him to come back.
He sounds bloody awful.
I could never really love someone who is so nasty to his own daughter and I don’t understand how you could have any positive feelings towards him after the way he continually behaves. Your daughter can’t help it. He can!

Your marriage is probably run it's course, but don't rush into divorce if you can slow the pace down.. There is no need to risk anything yet,as he was has moved out, and is presumably renting at least for the moment

. You are occupying the home and your other children are safe there. You daughter probably feels safer now he's moved out.. unless there is someone else waiting on the divorce at this stage ( for which the row might have been engineered ) should not be on the cards just yet .

Bullying behaviour is never acceptable even if living with a difficult child now adult can be intolerable and demanding, and can stretch ones patience to the end.

Get good financial and legal advice first. Divorce is a very expensive process and you lose considerable tax benefits on first death. Take care And try to calm down

Well he might also be autistic. It runs in families. And autistic people have meltdowns.

Let him go and wave a cheery goodbye, then concentrate on repairing the damage he has done to your daughter (and hearing those things will have caused damage)
Im a parent to an ASD/PDA young person and I would urge you to do some training and research on PDA and living a low demand lifestyle. PDA isn't a choice, its a neurological condition. Living with it is hard enough for your daughter, without having to deal with a parent that abuses her for something that isn't her fault. Please remove this bully from her life and protect her