Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

I'd be packing his bags for him and telling him to fuck off, then. He's not old fashioned, he's a cruel, abusive twat.

Just spotted your update before I hit post. Glad he saved you the trouble of deciding and you have no need to refuse to let him slink back in.

I would also let him stay gone , out of interest @Wh1teRabb1t what has your household been like in the last couple of weeks since he left .

He LAID HANDS on his own daughter. Thats never okay.

Any man who puts his hands on a woman in anger should be reported to the police.

How can all be good if you're having to work a second job because he's refusing to buy children's school uniform?

I'm also concerned that you say you think he is in debt - do you have no knowledge of his finances, are the family finances (at least for essentials) not in a shared account?

Any man who screamed in the face of my child and pushed them (regardless of provocation) would never be welcome back in my house.

Your dh is probably on the spectrum as well, but he is the adult. He should be able to take a deep breath and walk away by now.

Do you want him back? He doesn't sound much fun to live with.

Aw thank you. Really appreciate it.

I suspect like OP, that we do the ‘head in the sand’ thing and keep hoping she will grow out of it - but we’ve finally realised that she is 21, going on 15 (emotionally/psychologically - about 40 intellectually!!! ) and that just as you wouldn’t just leave a young teen to sink or swim, we can’t do that to her. In some part, we’ve let it get this far because we kept ‘hoping’ without putting strategies in place. I am sure there is some weaponised incompetence, too, but I realise now that we really haven’t been firm in getting her to build the skills - it is so much easier to just mutter under your breath and clean the room, do the laundry, clean the kitchen that looks as though the fridge/cooker has exploded into it… than to risk the conflict of taking her to task over it. Because you are so sick and tired of it.

PDA is a horribly manipulative ‘condition’ - you can use it make everyone around you dance to your tune, make then too scared to push back, too scared to make reasonable ‘demands’ [set expectations], when in a normal household - expectations and obligations are the fabric of family life.

I can recommend the NAS and the parent peer support programme. They were amazing when I had a little breakdown over this a few months ago. So reassuring to hear from another parent who gets it and doesn’t judge - last time I called it was a dad, raising his three ASD daughters on his own as the mother had left them and his family wanted nothing to do with it. It’s not that there is someone else who’s got it worse, it’s the understanding that there are so many of us juggling and carrying this load alone.

My DH always says that when we got her diagnosis he naively thought that the cavalry would swoop in to help - the NHS, CAMHS, anyone - but its been soul-destroying to discover that there is no cavalry. There is no one coming, not ever, and that you are expected to fumble your way through this alone.

Also do think about what the future will be like with your adult children. You say he’s better when the kids aren’t around. 🙄 I bet they think life is better when he isn’t around too. They will move out one day and visiting will be optional. In the families I know with a parent like this and another who has enabled it, the children do not come home once they finally get free, they do not bring grandchildren back to that awful environment, some are NC with both parents. Do you really want to risk your children leaving home and cutting ties with you all for a man?

I'd be supporting your daughter and packing his bags waving him ta ta.
He's a jerk.

Your daughter is experiencing domestic abuse from your husband/her Dad, and your younger children are victims of domestic abuse as they are witnessing it.
You need to consider what is the best option going forward and what is to stop your husband acting the same with the other children when they disagree?

ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.

Yes of course he is, because this grown adult who has his frontal lobe fully developed is bullying a child.

He threw a drink in OPs face and she thought it was going to get more physical - between a grown man and teenager.

The fact that you can’t see that he’s the one in the wrong in this situation is very scary and I really hope you don’t have children.

This he is abusing a disabled vulnerable person ffs! How dare he, disgusting.

I have some experience of this sort of situation and I know how tough it is on everyone. The latest fight where your dh left won't have happened in isolation. I imagine there will have been years of build up, arguments, difficult behaviour from your dd (which she cant help, but that isn't much consolation).

How much you value your dh and your marriage? Is it generally a good marriage? It sounds like he can't take anymore of living with your dd which I can sympathise with, although it does sound like its got out of hand with the pushing etc.

How likely is it your daughter will move out and live independently? Does she want to? Is she able? Are you prepared to live with her for the rest of your live at the expense of your marriage and possibly any other relationship? How do your other children fit into this?

None of this is easy. I am your dh in our family (although there is no physical pushing and our dd is a little younger). I think about finding somewhere else to live nearby rather than spend the rest of my life living in misery with her which is rough on my (good) marriage and other children. I'm praying our dd gets her act together and takes some responsibility though and leaves home in the next few years. I've seen this situation happen before and its tough on everyone.

I hate the way on mumsnet everyone always springs to man hate. I know what its like to live with a pda type profile and my god they are like a bomb going off in every familial relationship. While its not ok for him to push her this cd be after years of taking abuse at the hands of this teenager. And it is abuse, whether they can help it or not. He might have felt sidelined in his own house for a decade. We just dont know the dynamic really. I think you need help as a family op. I dont know if social services deal with over 18s but if she is dependent maybe they can signpost u in the right direction. There must be a charity or something to offer advice. The current set up is doing noone any good, but i wdnt rush to ditch your husband without therapy or similar

If the shoe fits! Not anti men sentiment at all! He sounds like an immature dickhead

At last! Someone asking how the op feels about it (instead of telling her what to do).

@Wh1teRabb1t , what do you want out of this? Is it easier when he's not around? Would you be ok with separating?
You also have to think about your finances? Could he stay in Denmark and leave you high and dry financially? What's your housing situation - owners with mortgage or renting? Can you afford to keep the house if he leaves?

Just to say obviously you made the right choice to a very unfair ultimatum. How are you doing op?

It seems OP manages to not act like this with her DD though?

She also has her DH’s temper to deal with too.

There is never any excuse for this type of behaviour.
If DH couldn’t cope then he could have left and not dealt with her 50% of the time.

He's the bad guy because he's abusive, violent and a terrible parent. The only person who can't see past the fact he has a penis is you. I'm sorry the time has passed for men to get away with anything because they're men, but you'll just have to get used to it. Go somewhere else if you don't like it; the manosphere is huge and we'd all rather you were there rather than whinging and whining over here.

You don't need him around your Dd, he's making a very difficult situation so much worse. Have you ever suspected he might be ND too? If he came back you risk getting seriously hurt yourself whilst trying to defuse situations

People don't spring to "man hate", that's just lazy sexism used by people who don't like women speaking freely and honestly about male abuse and are only here to correct women's speech. There's a profound lack of misandry in the comments; even these imaginary Man Haters (TM) don't need to resort to that because the guy is a total prick who abuses and assaults his daughter and is probably trying to deflect from his debt. How can you people read this and start crying about Man Hate (TM)? He's abusive and violent and you think the problem is Man Hate (TM)? Just how much do you excuse, deny and invert when someone has a penis?

He's a grown man and the parent. No wonder his daughter can't regulate when he can't show her how, and when there remain so many people who insist that shitty fathers are just victims of Man Hate (TM) where provocation can only be practised by young women/girls on adult men.

I'm a Mum to a son with PDA. Youngest of 7 kids. My DH refused to accept he was anything other than a spoilt brat (my fault obvs). My son had some horrendous years but I was his constant. These kids can't self regulate unlike us adults. My DH freely admitted he couldn't cope with him. If a meltdown happened I'd ask DH to leave since he escalated things. I'd never tolerate anyone shouting any form of abuse towards my son. If I had to pick 1 over the other I'd help my DH pack. He gets PDA is centered in anxiety right? Nah, I couldn't have that type of man around my PDAer, he'd be gone. Sorry if that sounds brutal, just my take.

@Wh1teRabb1t I want to give you a sl8ghtly different perspective.

I don't have autism or PDA, but I did grown up with a verbally abusive father who would scream obscenities at me. At 17, I was babysitting for a neighbour, the couple were late home so I was later than I had told my parents I would be. In the days before mobiles and at midnight I didn't want to phone and disturb them. When I got in at 2am inwas told the only words in the English Language that accurately described me were slut, slag and whore. My mum told me it was my own fault and upheld my dad's words. This was ine of his mild tirades.

I have a superficial relationship with them. But I do not love or respect them.

So from the adult who was once your kids...thank you for standing up for them against your vile bastard of a husband. Please do not allow him back, your kids (and you) deserve better than a violent abuser.

Your dd cannot help her PDA, she does need to learn that whisky she cannot control the emotions, she can and should control her response to them. But when she is being raised around that sort of behaviour it is hardly surprising that she mirrors what is shown to her.

He’s not just the man. He’s the parent. He should act like one. His DD can’t help her disability and statistically it’s men who leave in situations like this- because they can. That’s the reality.