Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

She didn’t say she was violent to anyone else.

It sounds an impossible situation. One of them had to leave.

And I didnt say she did.

I said that now her father’s not there they may become the next victims.

Her father clearly doesn’t handle it well but OP admits when she defends her DD her DD will then get up monies father’s face anyway.

What happens when he’s not there and OP has to deliver the messages he has been?

PDA is caused by an extreme anxiety around demands. Living in their own space supported may be a calmer environment for the DD too and reduce her anxiety.

This...with bells on.

It's sort of resolved itself hasn't it?

I don’t really have any advice but this sounds awful and I can see some similarities in my family (DD with adhd and probably ODD and DH who is undiagnosed but also likely nd).
Mine have similar explosive rows and I often have to intervene to de-escalate things (they both have to have the last word and it never ends) and DH thinks I always take her side, which is not true but he needs to act like an adult and not fuel the fire in my opinion. Things often kick off when I’m away, I feel like I can’t leave them together any more.
I don’t know what the answer is, as my DD is still a child (14) I would always choose her if it came to it, but when they’re an adult I think they have to take more responsibility. Have you told your DD what your DH has said? Do you think your DH would come back if they could agree to both work on their behaviour? They definitely shouldn’t be physical with each other - has he been violent before? Maybe it’s better if they do have some space between them. Does she want to move out? I also feel that at 19 she shouldn’t need to be told to tidy her room and if she wants to live in a mess DH might have to accept that that’s her space and leave her to it. I’ve noticed recently with my DD that we get on better the more autonomy she has, I tend to leave her to it in her own space and try not to expect too much of her. This is working better for us at the moment.

This is so difficult.

I have a daughter the same age who has been horrific at times over the last year.

dh (her dad ) has struggled with it , but honestly has managed it by ignoring/ spending time at work .

I think if it’s got to the pushing each other stage something needs to change .

I know everyone is horrified by him pushing her , but if you haven’t had a teenager/ adult that age you have absolutely no idea what’s coming! There were times in the last year that I honestly just wanted my dd to leave and had to talk myself down a lot.

as it is he’s out of the house so that’s that one I suppose 🤷‍♂️

it sounds like an environment that really needs to change - what’s her future plans? Work ? Uni ?

ultimately you need to put her first (is her behaviour unacceptable or is he overreacting?) and if one parent has effectively washed his hands of her , she needs you more than ever

it doesn’t bode well that he hasn’t had chance to calm down, reflect and apologise ect

Fill in the divorce forms online and plan your future rid of the violent man.
Can you afford to buy him out of the house, or will it need sold?

This is why i wanted all sides of opinions, so Thank you.

I really love him and always have, When its good, its amazing, but when the kids are involved he just seems to cause arguments with me defending them over him,
I cant stand there and allow him to shout horrible nasty words to our daughter.
The other kids have witnessed and its not nice for them.
I am new to this chat thingy, so please bare with me!
I have to get ready to go to my second job now, (As He's refusing to pay for our Twins uniforms, I know he's in debt and sometimes i just feel he starts arguments with me so he doesnt have to send me any money)
He works away in Denmark, and has done for the past 4 years, so its ok for him to just go back to work, and leave the troubles behind.
But it seems to be most times that he comes home that he has negativity towards the whole household.

He needs help. But it's very hard to live with a verbally or physically abusive child even when they are not an adult and both DH and I have worked hard not to shout at our DCs and we aren't completely there yet. If he wants to stay he needs to do some work.

However your DD also needs help. I don't think lowering expectations helps demand avoidance (I don't think it's "her nervous system) or that she's going to be "damaged" by demands, my DS would have met the criteria for PDA but a science background means I can read the research and it doesn't point to decreasing demands making life easier).

So I would suggest your DH needs to get himself sorted out or else move out but you can't just do everything for your DD. Whatever stage she is at you need to get her to move to more responsibility. She doesn't get to dictate what you do in your house, and you moving towards doing less for her will be good for her.

Well he sounds like an absolute toss pot who doesn't give a monkeys about his kids. Where does he expect her to go? A young ND vunerable female, on the streets? Hes a selfish asshat.
I'd never back down to ultimatum like this. Id never pick a partner over my child especially a vulnerable one, and even more so as he seems to be a big part of the problem. Her reaction is part of her condition his reaction is down to him being an absolute knob....sorry OP but it sounds like he isn't coming home, and maybe that's for the best.

The marriage is clearly over thank goodness.

Start a child maintenance claim online, now you've separated, the state can take what he owes his kids out of his account.

Oh OP...

I hate to say it but he's clearly manoeuvring his way out, and trying to make it look like your fault. I wouldn't be remotely surprised if he has someone in Denmark.

It sounds like you would be much better off without him.

Sorry but the marriage is over. Your dh is abusive and is now trying to make a ridiculous ultimatum. I suggest you respond by agreeing with him that the marriage is indeed over and change the locks.

How has she been since he left? Don’t get on ok with her? My kids didn’t want Tony their room at that age either btw, I think it’s just how kids are - they see it as their space…

Just the fact he is so uncaring about his daughter would make me divorce him.

She may be argumentative and annoying but he is her Dad and saying things like he wishes she wasn’t there is truly horrendous. You are both better off without him.

It's hardly surprising your DD shouts and swears with a father like that. What kind of man gets physical with their teenage daughter. He's a disgrace. End the marriage, keep him our of your DCs life and let them heal from his abuse. Life will get better for all of you. It may take a long time but it's better late than never.

They need to live separately

So you have a big man in the house that thinks he can push and scream at his daughter? A woman? Her behaviour is terrible but he’s worse.

my marriage would not be continuing that’s for sure

He's an abusive POS

We can’t tell from this but how do you feel about your husband generally, taking your daughter out of the equation?
Could she go and live somewhere else now she is 19 or is that not possible?
I don’t think someone who hasn’t experienced the extreme rudeness and difficult-ness of a PDA child can relate to this. I wouldn’t necessarily sacrifice myself on the altar of the child as everyone is suggesting. Why should you end up alone because of her difficult behaviour? (Assuming you love your husband and would prefer to stay in a relationship with him.)

Surely everyone in the family will be happier if you separate, including him.

Ah yes, as I suspected there's someone in Denmark, but he "needs" to make it your fault because he's too chicken to own up.

How can you say it's all good except for your shared children? They're his problem as much as they're yours. He sounds awful.