Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

I’m sorry I know full well that pda is hard but he’s the adult in this situation being the parent and he’s verbally abusing her at the very least
let him leave I’m sure the house will be a lot calmer for a start

He's shown himself the door, good. That means you don't have to do it. Your husband has had 19 years to get parenting help, go to therapy, do courses to help him parent your challenging daughter (not her fault). But what has he chosen instead? To use her as an emotional punch bag for something as minor as not cleaning her room. Be glad he is out of your lives.

So your household is usually without DH.p He works long hours, as do you, and when he comes home the kids' usual routine is displaced and he can't relax with special time with you due to your eldest and him fighting.
He needs to say away.
Also your eldest is 19 and old enough to learn to live independently. Help her out by expecting her to keep her room reasonable, her washing up to date and to act kindly. Teach her to cook, shop, budget and work a part time job.
Your 19 year old will want to move out soon and her other siblings deserve to have a peaceful home.
Would it help to portion off a bedroom. bathroom and entrance door for your DD19 until she can manage endependently? (share kutchen)

@RogueFemaleshe’s 19, neurodivergent. Her nervous system is being massively activated by her father. She’s going into fight or flight. This is PDA for you. He should be collaborating, speaking to her with respect and in turn will be respected. Demanding something from someone with PDA doesn’t work, their nervous system gets massively activated. But work with them, learn the techniques. Yes it’s very hard. But you can work with it.

@drspouse genuinely not being facetious, what science have you read that says don't use low demands for PDA? Everything I've read, and my experience personally and professionally says that low demand is the best approach generally.