Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.

I read up to here.

Leave that fucking cunt. Tell him it’s over. Today. No excuses.

If there are no dirty plates/cups/food-rubbish then your husband has no right whatsoever to tell your daughter to clean her room. If it’s just untidy mess, then it’s untidy mess. It’s her space. Autism can play a big part in untidiness.

To be fair, you should have kicked him out the very first time he called your daughter a nasty name.

How has your dd been since he left? How has the atmosphere been? He sounds like a bully, he just can’t help himself.

So I’m guessing your DH is autistic too and finds it difficult to accommodate the kids fluctuating and changing needs over his own?
You may find life a lot easier without him (but with him contributing appropriately financially)

I don't know anything about your daughters PDA, but it doesn't seem fair that your daughter has a dad who's aggressive towards her over an illness she didn't ask for. I can't see how you can all find a way to help your daughter if his actions are like this and I would've thought a calmer home into helping is the first step.. Am very sorry OP, it's very hard to read your post and it sounds awful.

Yeah he’s the bad guy for being verbally and physically abusive to his wife and vulnerable disabled child.

I always equate Victorian way of parenting as being cruel. Children should be seen, not heard, spare the rod etc.

I agree with the PDA. I have 3 ND children and my second is 14 and is AuDhd and 100% PDA. It’s so hard. But he is a child. I understand in the eyes of the law so is your DD, but only just and these issues have stemmed from childhood. Just to be clear to those that don’t live with a PDA child, they aren’t often like this outside of their comfort zone. They mask heavily and home is their safe space, and therefore where the PDA traits are displayed more often. Particularly when being asked to do anything. Approach them with authority and aggression and it doesn’t matter how much you want it to happen, it’s not going to. My DH was like this at first with our son. Not to that degree of pushing etc, but definitely verbal frustration and saying horrible things. We’ve finally got to a point where we can let our son calm and reinforce there are consequences and so the choice is his. If you can’t do X by Z time, then we will have to restrict your PC access or you can’t go out with friends or whatever. Does he like it? No, but he 9 times out of 10 does it whilst protesting. But we ignore that bit, because ultimately when he is an adult and in the real world we’ve said to him that no one else is going to accept being shouted at or refusal to carry out work tasks etc.

Back to the point of your post. Yes your marriage is over. Your husband, her father, is a bully and likely PDA himself. Let’s be honest, he’s trying to control her and can’t stand it she won’t be controlled. I am also Autistic and definitely have PDA traits, which I never realised until I was supporting my son through it. It’s very stressful and yes I agree there has to be boundaries and structured proposals for expectations. But to be throwing drinks in your face and pushing his own child?! What an abusive bully. Quite frankly I don’t know why he’s even think you’d be on your knees. He’s done you a favour. Less conflict and more support. It creates a less hostile environment. The fact he even told her he wishes she wasn’t here is quite frankly disgusting (and I wanted to swear there but refrained). Please, please do not let him back in to your house. You’re all better off with distance from him.

I know this sounds trite & I'm very sorry for all that you are going through OP, but 'the trash has taken itself out', I think I'd let him stay gone.

Your DD responds in the only way she knows how, but your DH, a fully grown man, her father, treats his own child like this? Yes he may get frustrated but my goodness learn to control your adult self. Awful. Things are hard, but they are hard for you all. Not just him. It seems as though he makes it harder? What's the house been like since he has left?

but when the kids are involved he just seems to cause arguments with me defending them over him,

I cant stand there and allow him to shout horrible nasty words to our daughter.

he's in debt

i just feel he starts arguments with me so he doesnt have to send me any money

most times that he comes home that he has negativity towards the whole household.

I am speechless. I am gobsmacked that you “love this man”. Because he certainly doesn’t love you, or any of your children. He doesn’t give one shit about any of you.

You let him lay hands on her?? And he lived to tell the tale?? Even if she’s the worst kid in the world no one deserves that. PDA can be tiring and awful, but you cannot allow a grown man to push your teenage daughter. Get him out your house.

He wants your marriage to be over and is using this as the excuse.

Sounds like he’s done you and your daughter a favour!! I could not be with someone who refused to believe a medical diagnosis or who shouts and pushes women. I’d get yourself sorted while he’s gone. If you are on a low income inform any benefits about your change in circumstances and get some legal advise.

If your daughter didn’t have PDA, his behavior would still be abusive.

I know this is almost a trope at his point, but I do think you need to step back and consider that your husband may need an evaluation of his own. ND runs in families and his inability to parent as his child needs is interesting.

a diagnosis would not excuse his behavior, but it might help him be a better parent in the future, both to this daughter and the other children.

Or he could just be a garden variety asshole, but I think it’s worth some exploration.

But that makes his behaviour even worse! He gets regular respite from living with your daughter whilst you have 24/7 responsibility. Even so, he can not be adult enough to recognise her disability and contain his emotions so that he does not push, shove and verbally abuse her. I'm sorry, but, I don't know how you can respect and want to live with a man like that. I would also never tie myself to a man who persistently can not manage his money.

Yeah. I think OP needs a serious think about why she is so desperate to excuse this man's violence towards their daughter and to her. It sounds like he has barely done any printing except to make demands of a kid diagnosed with PDA and then pushes and shives her regularly. Daughter "gets in his face" and a lot of ppl on here seek to think this justifies his actual violence.......also...is DP working offshore OP. My understanding form family who've worked offshore is that there is a big gambling culture which may explain his debts.
I think both your posts read as if you're desperately trying to justify his abusive behaviour OP. You need to really think about why you are so willing to tolerate him being verbally abusive and violent to a teenage girl.
I have 2 ND teenagers and one is PDA, so I k wo how hard this is by the way. But, I will not tolerate screaming rows. Ppl can leave the room of they feel themselves losing it. My DH has to do this quite often.

He sounds awful. Tell him not to bother coming back and get legal advice to divorce.

Just wanted to send some sympathy your way, I cannot imagine how incredibly difficult it has been for you. I so hope that you can put your life back on track, and I am glad you are going to be looking at options for your daughter to live elsewhere. Sounds like this would be a huge help. I'm assuming it wouldn't be safe for her to be alone in your home without you being there.

Also, @AnonyMumAuDHD you may not want to wait three months before seeking alternative living support. The wheels turn very slowly, you might want to start the process now.

Well, good riddance to that abusive bully. That sort of behaviour is fairly normal with teens (mine does not have autism/PDA, very NT). He’s a grown up who needs to learn to regulate his emotions. He’s can’t expect her to if it’s not even something he can manage. Ask him when he’d like to collect his things.

I would let him stay gone.

He sounds absolutely awful as a father and a husband.

I'd be relieved he's gone.

Advice - let him get on with it and support your dd.

Why on earth would you consider siding with him? From what you’ve told us you’re much better off without him