Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

I understand the challenges of ND offspring, having 3 out of our 4 affected to various degrees, and feel that the people saying that your daughter is legally adult and could change/move out, are missing a very large part of your problem.. the fact that that's a much bigger step for her, for one thing, if she's able to take it at all yet. A secure home environment is what she needs as a starting point for either of those, and your husband's behaviour is making it very much insecure, for all of you.
While it is arguably "old fashioned" to not 'believe in' certain medical conditions, it is also wilful ignorance of newer medical understanding, and harmful to your children. My mother didn't believe in divorce, but that doesn't make it not real! By the same account, not believing in a condition doesn't make it go away! (I'm going to assume he's not against taking antibiotics, doctors using sterile equipment, and surgeons not operating in their street clothes?) Why should your daughter even try to work to control her emotional responses if he sets the example of having an even bigger meltdown? Why is learning to help manage her responses 'giving in' to her, as some people suggest?
If the last couple of weeks have been relatively calm in your household, you probably know the answer. Personally, I'd change the locks...but I'm over 60 and massively out of fucks and tolerance. I've done adapt-and-tolerate, out of necessity, but it was never going to be a life sentence. He can change if he wants to. She can't. He can meet his own needs; she can't without support. It's not my decision, but if it were, it wouldn't be keeping me awake at night.
Good luck x

Parenting a child with PDA can be extraordinarily stressful and difficult, especially because the approaches that usually help (low demand, high autonomy) are often frowned upon (e.g. "stop pandering to them", "you brought this upon yourself" etc). I think most people would forgive the odd parenting fuck up, like shouting occasionally or saying something that is not ideal like "why are you always like this?". However, your husband has gone way over the top, and behaved in a scary, abusive and unreasonable way.

I don't think your husband is capable of coping with this situation, so yeah, he should leave before it gets even worse. That said, is your daughter capable of living independently? What's the long term plan with her? It sounds like her siblings and you could do with the break tbh and you deserve a peaceful life.

For fucks’ sake !!

Regardless of DD's disability, how on earth was she supposed to learn to manage her emotions if her father wasn't able to set an example. Does he scream and shout and threaten/carry out physical violence against his other children?

I think he has done the very best thing he could do, taking himself out of the equation. The whole family's future looks brighter without him.

I bet he has undiagnosed PDA himself. Often runs in the families and explains why he buts heads so much with her.

regardless your duty is to your children including your daughter. Probably best if he moves out, honestly.

The second he laid hands on his DD it was over.

Has he actually engaged his brain and considered how a vulnerable disabled 19yo can manage on her own if you chuck her out?

It's hard having an autistic child. He needs to man up and get parenting. I have an autistic 20yo.

He works away leaving the OP to deal with 4 children, one who requires special care, he is in debt and now the OP has to take on a second job to pay for uniforms.

Not a lot to admire just on this part.

Id end my marriage if my now ex partner got in my sons face and pushed him let alone a daughter and threw a drink in your face bloody hell are you seriously wondering what to do.
Get you and your daughter and the other 3 some counselling and tell him she stays and you dont want him to come back..who would?
Its absolute cruelty the things he says and does how much worse can you imagine it to get ... HE goes end of .
Its abuse.

Yes. She's an adult and has special needs and is therefore tearing the family apart. Did you consider the other 3 young childrens' and the mother's lives in your assessment or is it all just man hate from you, as is the current fashion?

Get her into an assisted living or whatever and reclaim your lives.

OP has not mentioned that she or the other kids act the way that DH does, even though they have to deal with the same behaviour.
Therefore it is a DH problem.

It’s not the DD that’s tearing the family apart, it’s the precious grown adult who doesn’t understand and refuses to learn about PDA.

Well how do you know the verbally abusive child hasn't got it from her father and is reacting to him because she feels his intolerance of her i mean how sad must that be and how vile a man pushing and bullying a 19 yr old female let alone her being his daughter.
How about he controls his temper throwing drinks in his wife's face.. fuck that he'd be out the door with his bags packed .
You dont throw drinks in people's faces or push and bully your daughter no excuses here.

He sounds like a useless father. Dont pick him . You will lose your daughter if you kick her out. And the rest of your children probably wont agree with it when they are older. Eventually leading to you having a distant relationship with all of them .

So screw his needs sack him off and try to keep as much of his income as possible. Well done you win immoral c of the day. dw you'll fit right in here 😀

I think you should tell him that the marriage is over as he is an awful father. Surely you don’t want to be married to someone like him?

I can’t imagine. What an awful
man and a terrible father.

And what about the other way around Tina, anyone laying hands on anyone lets say. Don't bother we already know your answer 🥱

He has responsibilities he has just walked away from after being violent with someone vulnerable.

Your response just doesn't relate to the circumstances at all.

A few things from me

1- if your dd is autistic then, from your dh behaviour, I’d suspect your dh is also in the spectrum. And basically he doesn’t cope with family life/children/teens.
He probably finds his dd screaming overwhelming and doesn’t answer well. I’m going to guess because he has never learnt to just walk away to calm down before reiterating his point

2- your dd is also finding the shouting, repeated demands etc… overwhelming, esp with a PDA profile. Hence her reactions, which tbh I’d be worried about too because she is shy if 18yo and screaming, pushing etc…will soon not be tolerated from her, autism or not.

3- I suspect your dh has very conveniently found a job far away to avoid family life because it’s too stressful. We hardly saw him for the first 6 years of the dcs lives. My dh did too (dh is also autistic btw. So is dc2)
The problem is that by going away he also has missed the opportunity to learn how to deal with PDA and his dd….

Now as to what’s next….

I suspect your dh is unlikely to see your pov. And he is unlikely to see that his shouting and being physical towards his dd is simply not acceptable. That’s from his words but also, if he is autistic, you have the whole black and white thinking, difficulty to put himself in someone else shoes etc…that will come into play.

Unfortunately, because of that, I am not sure there is any going back from that.
The one thing I’m hoping is that your dh is laid in the U.K. with a U.K. contract so, at least,you’ll get CM (seeing he isn’t very keen to pay fur his dcs even now)

My husband once threatened to kick out middle son (autistic, pda traits but not diagnosed). I said nothing in the moment but I made it clear to him that if he kicks out our son, I'll be going with him. I also made it clear to son that I wouldn't let this happen.

Teens are often wankers, chuck pda into the mix and its a recipe for disaster and your husband is refusing to a) be the grown up and descalate and b) to actually recognise her issues.

Take him up on his offer and enjoy the peace

Wow what a heartless response.

I wish I could explain family to you

Hilarious - don't tell her what to do, instead just ask a series of entirely leading questions 🤪 One hopes you're not a lawyer.

It's possible she's got it from him of course!
She still needs help though and her mum needs to gradually do less for her. This is true of any 19 year old I imagine!

She's an adult and sounds like a nightmare. Kick her out. Not for your husband's sake but for the sake of your three other children.

This. Protect your children from this abusive man.