Husband says marriage is over unless our daughter moves out

[Wh1teRabb1t]

I have been with my husband for 25yrs and married for 15yrs, we have 4 kids together.
My eldest daughter is 19, she has PDA - (Autism spectrum.)
My husband has never really accepted this, he is very old fashioned, just like his parents.
Both of them are very 'hot headed' , They fight over the smallest issues, like him telling her to clean her bedroom.
He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him.
He makes things worse by pushing her and screaming really nasty, horrible, hurtful things to her, He said once to her that he wishes she wasn't here.
My daughter can never unhear this, even though she has tried her best to be civil with him over the recent years.
Anyway, recently they have had a big 'verbal fight' and then got physical pushing each other, ending in him throwing a drink in my face as i stepped in the middle of them both as i thought they was going to get more physical.
He lifted up the TV remote as if to throw it at us, so i pushed him into the bed and he got hurt.
My husband left minutes afterwards, he's not been back for over two weeks.
He has messaged me saying our marriage is over and its all my fault because i always defend our daughter over him.
He even told me that unless she's left home he wont be coming back.
Even though we also have other kids together.
I'm sorry its a bit of a long story, but i really don't know what to do.
All advice welcome, from both mum's and dad's. Please.

Sounds like his is PDA autistic too

I in NO way condone this man’s behaviour. He’s absolutely not ok to be physically violent towards her. But my very close friend has a child with PDA. They are incredibly challenging. They’re hard to love and they try and be as hateful as they can possibly be. In my friends child’s case, it’s very deliberate. Picks up a plate and smashes it against the wall. Tell both parents that they cunts and would like to kill them (the child is a pre teen). Same thing to siblings. Pits the parents against each other. Alleges all sorts of things.
The parents are lawyers and not short of money; they’ve thrown money at every therapist, specialist and psychiatrist possible.
My friend wishes the child had never been born (has said it to me several times) and their marriage had fallen apart.

No justification but all to say, it’s not easing raising a child with PDA and no one knows how they’d react with a child like that.

Sounds like your husband needs some counselling or therapy OP, I hope he’s getting it.

Hmm, this potentially may mean there is someone else on the horizon.

Either way I'd let him go. He increasingly sounds like a twat the more you say.

ND kids can be extremely difficult at times but violence has got to be a firm boundary.

Well, as they say, the trash just took itself out.

Hope his parents want their child home!

That's even easier then he can just stay in bloody Denmark.

Nasty bastard.

How can you possibly love someone that treats your child/children like that??

Clearly your dh has as much pda as your dd. Thats very hard on you, I imagine

OP, you say you love him and that when it's good it's amazing but that when the kids are involved he's argumentative. Sounds like he doesn't like any of his children.

Sorry but he doesn't sound very nice at all. He physically and emotionally abuses your eldest. He argues with you when the kids are involved. He's in debt (why is he in debt with 4 kids to provide for?) and you suspect he starts arguments so he doesn't have to give you money. So he's possibly financially abusive too. He's hardly ever at home if he works in Denmark. Let him stay in Denmark and put your kids first.

Your husband is causing your ND daughter trauma. His words alone are something your daughter will probably needs lots of therapy for at some point in her life. So what is your dilema here? Accept he has been abusive to you and your daughter, but kick her out so you can stay married to him? Cut her off from both parents when she needs you the most? Or change the locks and let him stay away? Make a stand, throw him out and let him know his lack of control and tantrums wont be tolerated at the expense of your daughter's mental health? This is pivotal for your daughter, if you don't make a stand for her then you're likely to lose her. And he doesn't sound worth your time.

OP.. I know this has all blown up suddenly, but you really need to think about what you have been putting up with for a very long time. And what your DD has been putting up with.

From your comments quoted above, it feels like he is actually sabotaging your managment of your DD, and you are claiming that the arguments are all your fault because you defend her!!! On what planet does that actually make sense.

His loss of temper and abusiveness towards your DD, however trying her condition is, is NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot really control either of them. You can manage your DD's condition as best you can, but it cannot be your fault if he is nasty and abusive towards her and this results in her kicking off.

He is a disruptive force in your house hold. And BTW.. he's in debt? He has a big important job in Denmark.. presumably well paid... so where is the money going. Not on your Twins school uniforms that is for sure.
He doesn't care about his children, he doesn't care enough not to provoke them and upset them, he doesn't care enough to provide for their needs, school uniform is a basic.

You said of your marriage - "When its good, its amazing, but when the kids are involved he just seems to cause arguments with me defending them"

Your kids are in the house living with you.. so they are always involved, which means he is always causing arguments... and naturally as their mother you are defending them.. which is quite right too. They shouldn't have to put up with a parent who is "always causing arguments." You know yourself that its not the way to manage a growing family, to support them and help them flourish whatever the difficulties they face.

So I think you have to question, since your kids are naturally always involved, whether it actually is amazing. You have to ask yourself for eg.. (and you don't need to give us the answers here just ask yourself) what percentage of the time is it amazing? What percentage of the time is he causing arguments.

It does come across from your comments that he really doesn't care about the kids, he can only be "amazing" when they are not around. He's not at home much anyway, but when he is, he's extremely disruptive and upsets everyone and then to top it all.. He blames you for sticking up for children. Does he even recognise the part he plays in all this? Or is it just everyone else's fault?

It seems that he's already declared he's out the door anyway. What is it like at home when he's not there? If its much easier, consider whether that would be a better way for your and your children to live.

Since he's made that statement anyway you would be wise to do what MN refers to as getting your ducks in a row.. find all the financial documents you can. Do a credit check (he's in debt.. is he borrowing in your name, or using your address) and get some legal advice aobut what your options are and what you are entitled to. Sorry OP x

Let him go. What a prick

What do you want to happen, OP? Do you want him back? It sounds like he's put you in an impossible position by asking you to choose between your daughter or him.

I have a PDA child - it's bloody hard, but I have educated myself on the subject and how to communicate with them. Of course, I don't always get it right - especially when they are presenting as rude and pedantic! It's enough to drive anybody over the edge.

It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to try to understand her or her communication preferences.

I am separated from DCs Dad. Some of the decision to separate was around the way he and DC fought tooth and nail. It wasn't healthy for any of us.

I feel for you.

He pushes his child? What an abusive shit.

I hope you're getting counselling for your daughter, she must have trauma from her father screaming at her and pushing her. Poor girl

He pushes a disabled teen and you LoVe HiM. God help your daughter with parents like these

I think he's gone for good, op. I am sorry. This is so sad for your daughter.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter becomes a whole lot easier to live with without your husband there. I’d be choosing my child over a man who behaves like this and tell him to go on and leave then.

So, he gets upset with his daughter for behaving as he does?

Im so sorry Op it sounds like he has checked out.

aww u made me cry, i have an autistic son, i feel the same, im also auDHD. what a lovely mum u are x

Kids know how to push buttons, and autism for sure pushes them all at once. But he's the grown up, and he's not able to act as one.

Priorities are always kids, partner, family. For me kids move to the family part of the equation somewhere between 18-21 depending on their maturity, but any kind of disability or needs keep them in the kids bracket for all time.

She is a higher priority than him.

How have things been at home since he left?

Your DD requires different parenting, his approach has been completely counterproductive.

You backing him up, with her being demand avoidant and the past trauma she’s experienced (leading to lack of emotional safety in their relationship), only makes matters worse, so the escalation becomes inevitable.

The verbal abuse and physical violence at home is worrying and given all that’s happened so far, it was good he removed himself when he did,

Neurodivergent brains often take longer to mature and she still needs support but leaving home and going to uni could be helpful, however she should not be forced to leave home as part of a marriage ultimatum. That’s also deeply manipulative.

Family counselling might he helpful but not a short term fix.

How are the other DC coping?

@Wh1teRabb1t
I know a family where the husband is embarrassed by one of his offspring having Downs
I think it's the same thing here and that's why he's so verbal and aggressive towards her
He's an idiot to get you to try and pick him over her, he doesn't want to have to look at her in any shape way or form as he crudely sees her as a "mistake"
No use beating about the bush
He goes

@Wh1teRabb1t "He has shouted horrible names to her, she attacks in the only way she knows how, shouting and swearing at him,
At this point i will be on his side, as i agree that she should tidy her room and not scream and shout at her dad like that, but then things escalate to her getting in his face shouting at him."

It's not just him, it's her, too. I wouldn't want to live with either of them.

He’s an abusive bully. Don’t choose him over your child.

So he's a loser who's in debt, doesn't pay for things, is absent a great deal, starts arguments with you, can't be bothered learning how to manage his daughter's issues in a more effective manner, gets verbally aggressive, and now physically violent.

What does he actually bring to this marriage and family that's beneficial? He just sounds like a huge drain, who makes everything worse, and doesn't fulfil his responsibilities.

Obviously you should choose your daughter over him, especially given the way he behaves - like another child with issues you have to manage, instead of like a parent. It sounds like good riddance to bad rubbish.