I agree with this. I have a 21yo AuDHD DD with PDA (and boy does she lean into it). I understand what it is like to feel trapped, frustrated, angry and resentful. DH and I had a bit of a row a few days because DD has decided not to go back to uni and unilaterally decided remain at home this year. I am now trapped - cannot book dogsitters if she is resident, so can’t head off and join DH when he travels with work as planned, or go away for a few days with friends, can’t take a hybrid job in another city knowing my lovely sitters would live-in when needed, can’t even book a week away with DH. Am gutted. I cried. DH cried. My life seemed like it was over and the hopes and dreams I had of just 10 years of something for me - after 21 years of being a FT carer effectively, evaporated. DH saw his retirement plans for 3-5 years ahead crumble to dust but was mostly upset for what this meant for me and whether our marriage could survive it.
Then we wiped the tears, slept on it and the next day made a plan: to call the GP to get meds reviewed, to get a referral to the community MH team (for her, though I considered it for me, but I started therapy last month anyway) and agreed that in 3m we will contact adult social care for a support assessment and look into arranging an assisted living place - ie we sat and agreed that we need to involve other people in her ongoing care and to scaffold her into a space where it was not us [me] that would be her lifelong care support.
I confess to having had moments in the last few years where I have felt beyond angry and, in fact, quite suicidal at the thought of having to look after a belligerent, self centred and, at times, unpleasant and unlikeable person. mental illness is quite ugly, and autism does not excuse or explain it away completely. But then I get a glimpse, beneath the distress, the pain and confusion to the lovely, gifted, loyal and sensitive person I raised. Am not ready to give up on her, but concede what we have been doing is not helping her, is not moving her towards independence - that we need help.
At no time has my DH ever been abusive or physical with me, or my DD. At no time have I done that to him either. We’re a team. We may be at the end of our tether, but in no way is the way OP’s DH has behaved acceptable.
@Wh1teRabb1t I think at this point, it might be worth encouraging a separation: for DH to take some time out and live elsewhere, even if just for a few weeks, while you take stock of where you want your marriage to go and what support you feel you should be receiving from him and other agencies. And I would speak to the GP and to adult social services to arrange a care assessment as you/she should be entitled to support - at home OR to move her out.
Two issues conflated here: your DD, for whom it is well-past the time to enlist help for her to live independently as an adult, because the family is in crisis; and your marriage, which may struggle to survive after this.