DH and DS not getting along, DH anger towards DS

[RefereeMum]

Hello I’m after some advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation, whether this is resolvable or if separation is the only answer here. Will try to keep it short…
DH and I have 2 DC (1 and 4), I have DS12 from a previous relationship. DH and DS12 had a good relationship initially, got along well and enjoyed similar hobbies. Since having our younger children DH has spent less time with DS12 and there has become a bit of a divide in the household where DH spends a lot of time with the younger children lots of love and play where there is very little emotional warmth or time spend with DS12. DS12 does not have his DF in his life and has spoken about feeling rejected from. My DH since the younger children were born. DS12 is hitting puberty and his behaviour is becoming challenging recently (backchatting, refusal to do chores, moaning about being bored on family days out etc). DH has no patience in dealing with this behaviour and immediately becomes angry with DS12, he calls him names and refers to him as ‘your kid’ when talking me to about him. I am a gentle parent but I do agree that respect and discipline is very important. DH has become increasingly frustrated with DS12 and we are now at a point where DH barely speaks to DS12 and there is a constant atmosphere. Last night DH asked DS12 to come off his game as it was 10pm. DS came off but had a moan and stormed upstairs. DH yelled that he had had enough of the disrespect and slammed about the house saying he was leaving and shouting at me that I am a ‘ct’ and ‘f* the lot of you’. DS12 became upset and said that he feels targeted and treated differently by DH. I tried to speak to both DS12 and DH ro deescalate the situation but it made it work and DH become increasingly angry yelling that I have ruined his life and he does not want ‘his kids’ to be around ‘my kid’ anymore. He drove off in a huff and I have not heard from him since. He has form for a storming out when angry but refuses any family therapy or couples therapy, he always justifies his big emotional reactions by blaming me for not backing him or supporting him enough and says I always let DS12 get away with being disrespectful. I don’t but when DH reacts like this DS12 gets very upset and low mood for days after (he has adhd, asd and very sensitive to rejection).

Also, just to say that a lot of men turn into bullies with boys because that is how they were treated at the same age. That’s no excuse. It is on him to break the cycle as an adult. But your husband may not have been taught how to manage anger and take responsibility without passing on that shame. He must learn to break the cycle, which means having compassion for himself and others and not putting his own upbringing on further generations. if he is a good bloke, he will do the work. If he isn’t, then you need to ensure that your son can break the cycle.

And @paddingtonwithcatsi agree that parenting is challenging. It is a legitimate thing to do to want to take a break from chaos and disobedience. But that is not what the husband did - he got angry and abusive first, which is not appropriate. He needs some serious parenting work.

When do you go back to work?

I would get some legal advice to start making a plan to move forward.

If he is stubborn then the house would need to be sold and you go your separate ways.

Would you be able to buy or rent on your own? Do you have any savings?

I would start by doing a financial plan to see how much you would have on your own per month. So salary, benefits and child support. Then go from there.

Arming yourself with a plan will help to take some of the stress out of your side of things so you don't have to feel your trapped indefinitely.

This situation is beyond getting angry and irritable though. This is emotionally abusing and bullying your step kid.

I would assume you don't go that far and do what the OPs husband does? Because it really isn't excusible or understandable.

My DS has ADHD and I know how hard it can be but we're the adults in the situation. If we can keep control then what chance does the kid have.

The 'your child' remark alone would end it for me

He's not going to change is he. He's not going to suddenly realise he's an abuser and stop. There is no way to resolve this and I feel sorry for your son. Your younger children are also being damaged by him. As PP have said, he'll be like this with 'his' kids when they get older.

This was a painful one to hear when he said it. Like a realisation that this is where we have got to. When it was just the 3 of us we were all really close, I expected a change when the younger children were born and also when eldest started to hit puberty but this is not what I had envisaged!
maybe when I discuss separation seriously he may see some of his behaviour as wrong but he is very stuck in the opinion that he’s right and we are all wrong and we push him to it, really need him to take some responsibility

Well discussing separation seriously means you have spoken to a solicitor, you have worked out where you will live with the 3 children, you know how the finances will be sorted, you know how you will get to work etcetc
Otherwise you will just anger him more for very little change

Oh that's even worse. He's ramped up the behaviour while you're financially, professionally and emotionally vulnerable.

Please immediately speak to a close friend, mum, sister or brother if you can -- you need real life support.