Morning nursery routine struggles with my anxious three year old

[BananasAreForever]

Despite it being mid August, I am already dreading the nursery run as I can't seem to get my three year old ready and out of the door on time. Please give me some advice (and a telling off if needed) as I really need to get this right.

I wake up at 5.30am, eat, iron clothes and pack work/ nursery bag.

DC wakes up at 6.30am, doesn't eat breakfast until about 6.50am, as demands to be held for 15-20 minutes (has high anxiety). Dc's breakfast takes around 40 minutes (slow eater). Then has a wash, gets changed etc, another 10 - 15 minutes is faffing trying to get out the door. Meltdown getting into car seat. We end up leaving close to 8.15am, which is too late for us. Ideally, we would leave at 8am or earlier.

I've used timers, positive praise, screen time and bribes with dc to speed things up but it never happens. Waking up earlier just leads to more faffing time and we still end up leaving late. Everything is slow. Dc begins playing, gets distracted, has meltdowns when I try to force him to do things (e.g. use the bathroom, go in the car seat). He is suspected ND but not diagnosed and is high functioning I think if he is.

The mornings are stressful for me and I can't get into work as early as I need to! Please give me any tips or advice.

It does sound like your DS has lots of sensory needs and doesn’t like transitions/change. I don’t really have any advice (DS1 is AuDHD but was fine with being on my timetable when he was little), but I wonder if you might simplify things a bit?

Bath could happen the night before, so that just teeth need doing in the morning. Breakfast could be some fruit and a piece of toast in the car (I’m all for a sit down dinner at night but 40 mins for breakfast is a massive waste of time).

Your mornings sound a bit complicated and longwinded. I know meltdowns are horrible, but if you’re ready to go, he shouldn’t be playing/stalling - you’re in charge.

Good luck

I advise streamlining by getting up, washed and and dressed first then eating, the hug thing reduce to 5 minutes, and if breakfast stays that slow eat in the car!

Hello! I just wondered, how do you know he has high anxiety? What are his symptoms? I'm not asking in a challenging way, I believe you, I just wondered how this presents (I have an anxious 5yo and I'm also not looking forward to the start of term).

How is he once he gets to nursery?

I'd stop ironing and do the bag packing the night before personally.

Get DC dressed as soon as they wake up during the cuddling period to kill two birds with one stone. Brush teeth.

Downstairs for breakfast, allow 20 mins max to eat breakfast and then clear the table.

Into the car, offer a banana in case they're still hungry.

I think this might be time for putting him to bed in his clothes for the next day.

More seriously, one of the things about anxiety is that it becomes self perpetuating very easily. What does the 20 minutes of holding help with? At some point, providing all the accommodations he is asking for isn't helping him because it's reinforcing that he can't cope without them.

I would firmly but kindly explain that you will reduce the hugging to 5 minutes from tomorrow and then stick to it. Yes, there will probably be a big fuss for a few days but then everyone will get used to the new normal and your DC will learn he can manage without the hugging. You can also add it on at the end if needed - if DS can get ready and into the car early, there is time for a big hug on your lap.

Similarly with the 40 minutes breakfast: what do you think is a reasonable amount of time to eat? Let him know you will limit the time to that and then clear away the food. The first couple of days there will probably be an almighty fuss but after that when you remind him that he needs to eat up he will probably do it. And if he doesn't there will be a snack at nursery soon.

Also - I don't think there is anything you can do to totally reduce the melting down to zero. So your goal probably needs to be getting out the door and into the car before 8am with you staying (outwardly) calm throughout. If your DS is anything like mine the slowness and faffing is at least partly driven by anxiety about nursery and the goodbye/separation, so no amount of optimizing the routine will prevent a flashpoint somewhere. But it will feel smoother and more containing for him when there isn't the additional stress of you watching the minutes tick away with no progress towards getting out.

Mine has breakfast at nursery. I found that too much faffing at home in the morning really messed up the routine and everything just descended into chaos.

I dress him and put shoes on him when he wakes up and still sort of dozing. He has a cup of milk and about half an hour after he wakes up, we are out the door.

Mine sometimes likes to be held for a good 20 minutes too, but it's not anxiety, it's always when he didn't get quite enough sleep and is a bit cranky. Is your toddler getting enough sleep?

I'd definitely try and be your own future friend the evening before. Have the ironing done, bags already packed and in the car, clothes laid out etc. I have two to get ready and to two different nurseries by 7:15 and this is the only way we'd manage it.

Can he have breakfast at nursery? Or if not, what time is morning snack?

My eldest usually has a cereal bar and some fruit when he gets up and then has the nursery "snack" which is really another breakfast at 9:30 but we could also take in breakfast for them.

Firstly, I’d get an hour of sleep back by ironing and bag packing the night before, and eat your breakfast whilst DC eats theirs. I find my DC eats better when we’re eating together.

Dress them immediately upon waking, after their morning cuddle, and get an overall they can wear so they don’t spoil their clothes whilst eating.

Then all you need is a face flannel, wash hands and brush teeth after breakfast.

Reduce how much you’re needing to do in the morning.

Could you try to change the way you do things? You may have set this behaviour in stone and that’s why it’s hard to break. I’d definitely suggest doing a later wake up for him and giving breakfast in the car instead.

So many useful ideas here, thank you!

@PassTheCranberrySauce yes, he does have suspected sensory needs. Stupidly, I didn't connect it with a reluctance about transitions. Definitely something I need to be aware of. We have had a lot of change in our lives which hasn't helped the little one.

I definitely could simplify our routine more. My own brain is a bit chaotic, and I now think it is a me problem after reading your replies. I linger over things too long myself.

Key things for me:

-Iron and sort bags night before.
-Reduce cuddle time to 5 - 10 minutes - put on his clothes at this time and probably could brush his teeth whilst he is on my lap.
-Reduce breakfast to 20 minutes with back up food to eat in car in case he doesn't finish (he's a slow eater and nursery don't do breakfast). He's a tiny thing and I do get anxious that he hasn't eaten enough so do want to give him some time to eat.

• I do need to set stricter times, and also accept meltdowns are part of the deal when I need to change things.

I'll start making the changes now so September is easier.

If you could all sort out the rest of my life that would be great 😉

One thing to add - I have found using a clock (specifically a clock not a timer) really helpful.

My DS just turned 4 and I've been doing this for over 6 months. I show him the hands on the clock and say that when the long hand gets to the 4 (or whatever's ) it's time to get dressed/get shoes on and then follow through with doing it - even if there's a big fuss. I also show him the position on the clock for when we need to leave the house (generally 10-15 minutes before we actually need to leave to have some buffer for .y stress).

It's worked much better than a visual timer because the timer is too easy to fiddle with and my DS can't wait to hear it go off /generally mucks around with it. I think it also really helps distinguish between absolute and relative time - like you can have 15 minutes of play if this task is done, but if you use it all up we don't have time because that is when we need to leave. He's got cross with me for "using up all his time" a few times so the message is definitely getting through!

Find a good food they will eat quicker. 40 mins is ridiculous mines a slow eater too, but will scoff strawberries and banana like there about to run out.