Am I over reacting to husbands parenting?

[nicetotalk]

Help please as I know longer no if I’m the one in the wrong. Honest advice appreciated.
i have 2 daughters, both very different with their own quirks. I feel my husband favours the eldest who funny enough looks like him and is probably easier to manage in terms of behaviour. They are older 12 & 15. The younger had an episode of travel sickness years ago and where possible likes to sit in the front. When I am with them on my own this never causes issues as the eldest has said she doesn’t care where she sits. When my husband had them on his own he brought them home with the youngest running to her room and the eldest boasting to me dad made her sit in the back and me in the front. He then said to me are you going to speak to her about her mood? I feel a drama was created for no reason, I’m a believer of pick your battles and I don’t believe it was necessary to create one and to make the eldest feel proud of their achievement. When he asked why I was annoyed and I explained it blew up into big fight, he shouted at 12 year old look what you’ve caused, reassured the eldest he was the dad and therefore he can choose. Am I being overly critical? I think because I already have concerns around favouritism this maybe feels worse than it is. Thanks

Yes, I think you are being over critical.

A common trait of eldest children is learning to put others needs before their own, because often parents give them little choice over this because of the need to prioritise younger children. That doesn't make it right though. Just because oldest children tolerate coming last does not mean parents should not make sure they are put first equally as often as younger siblings.

Your oldest did like being prioritised by her Dad in the car.

Your youngest was not travel sick, so had no inherent need to be prioritised on this occasion.

Your DH did the right thing.

If youngest actually felt sick, then oldest would likely agree to swap. But they didn't. So let the eldest have the special seat.

So she was sick once as still gets to always sit in the front? I think it’s right that this is being challenged now to be honest.

Thank you. To add context the youngest got dropped off and then husband ran errands with the eldest in the front so she been prioritised and had longer turn. The eldest is type 1 diabetic so she mostly takes priority in our house due to medical needs etc and I actually feel like the youngest gets less attention which can’t be helped at times as medical needs come first, I just think here was a opportunity for her to be recognised for her needs(warranted or not) but maybe your right as I’m second guessing everything

I actually agree with this, you say your husband prefers the eldest yet you prioritise your youngest every time you go in the car, your husband wasn't causing a fight he was trying to be fair, fwiw we never let any of ours in the front because they would create an absolute scene every time they thought we were being unfair!

You say your dd has type 1 diabetes so you handed your youngest a thing to say she has to get attention. I appreciate it must be hard to manage but I think friction has been created.

The journey was split so eldest had already had a turn in the front and on collecting youngest she expected it to be her turn. Eldest had spent 2 hours in front with dad running errands and the journey home for youngest was 20mins. Sorry wld have perhaps been helpful to include that

So the youngest expected the eldest to get out of the car and move to the back for her?

Sounds like when it comes to travel the youngest has began to feel like some sort of princess! If someone is in the front already you jump into the back. It shouldn’t be a drama.

Yes just like when the youngest jumped out front eldest jumped in so swapping for fairness. To me not swapping back created the feeling of unfairness and caused the fall out between the 3 of them

You say your husband has a favourite but it increasingly sounds like you do too!

This is why we didn't let them take turns. Your eldest was already in the car i probably would have let her stay there but the sibling rivalry is strong so they fight about it and it is causing friction between you and your husband. So you either do your own thing in your own car with them and let dad do his. Or you do turn about for the whole journey but let them take turns.

I don't think this is a big deal OP.

i love both my girls equally and communicate according to their needs as they are both very different. I offer them both the same opportunities and both speak to me before they would approach their father. I have zero concerns over my relationship with both children. The week before my husband organised a day trip while I was working from home and then tried to talk the youngest out of going with them and when she decided to go he huffed. I don’t favouritise but I do feel the need to balance it back out which maybe I shouldn’t do as I find it very stressful - maybe I just leave him to it and their relationship will be what it will be

That makes no sense though. There was no swapping for fairness, your eldest only swapped into the front when youngest got out of the car.

A fair split would have been am equal split of the time when they were both in the car, but you seem to be saying that your youngest dd expected to sit in the front for the whole of her time in the car?

As a kid who was frequently travel sick (and still is now), it does make a huge difference sitting in front, where there is a clear view of the horizon. Even 20 min in the back of a car can make me nauseous, so if it is something that afflicts your youngest, YANBU to want her in the front. But it sounds like you need to communicate ground rules about who gets the front seat and when, as it’s not clear from your post how afflicting the travel sickness is.
I would still travel in the back e.g if we were taking my nan somewhere, I’d just be surrounded by carrier bags and told to immediately say if I was going to be sick.

What do you mean talk her out of going ?

Yes so would just be the 2 of them

Of course you don't have any concerns over your relationship 🙄

You clearly have a favourite, and a child that you pander to.

you are entitled to your opinion but I know whole heartedly by eldest would even disagree. I appreciate advice that I am
over reacting as that is what it asked for but you are obvs one of those keyboard warriors who like to think you know everything and insult people in your path. I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve heard that. Thank you for taking time to input your insightful thoughts

How did the conversation go is what i meant ? You can't arrange a day out for both children then talk one out of going that doesn't make sense.

He told her she would need to get up early and b away all day and probably wouldn’t enjoy it. She would maybe be better at home with me. As it turned out she was the only one who participated in the events and had a ball

In regards to the car I think you are overreacting, your dh was the driver at the time so it is his choice who gets the seat. Clearly your eldest daughter does mind about being in the back all the time. You should not have got involved in it. Also you mention that the 12 year old ran to their room, just because they did not get their own way. Maybe you need to stop pussyfooting around the 12 year and teach them some resilience rather than arguing with their father about the fact they had to sit in the back (and not be sick).

It sounds to me that you escalated a typical teen spat into a big thing.

My thoughts exactly

In hindsight I should have addressed that rather than staying quiet and letting build up so not reacting to something which should be minor. I make that mistake a lot. I try keep peace and say nothing and then I can’t keep it in any longer when comes to something g silly. We have had a lot of heartache as a family and I just like to keep everything happy and drama free

I would have the rule that both girls ride in the back of the car every time.