Parents of adult autistic children, I’d really love to hear from you.
What is your relationship like with your child now they’re an adult? Do they enjoy spending time with you? Do they have fond memories of childhood and of your relationship?
I have two children, three years apart. My eldest is 6 and was diagnosed autistic at 3. He can be quite violent towards me at times, kicking, biting, pinching etc. Our boundaries around this are very firm; violence isn’t something we allow because of his diagnosis. But I know other SEN parents will understand that sometimes, despite all the boundaries and support in the world, a dysregulated child will still lash out.
We’ve tried very hard from an early age to make sure he feels understood. He sees an OT and a play therapist, and we’ve worked with various professionals since he was 3. I’m also very lucky that I have the time to prioritise 1:1 time with both of my children to ensure they know they have complete time with me without distraction.
But I feel like I’m permanently running on empty. A lot of family life feels like managing emotions, preventing arguments, holding boundaries and trying to keep everyone regulated. He also sleeps very poorly, despite melatonin, so I’m exhausted and I know that sometimes makes me more snappy, repetitive and “naggy” than I want to be.
The children generally get on well and there is lots of love in our house, but I sometimes worry that all they’ll remember is me correcting behaviour, breaking up arguments or being a tired and stressed mum. I worry about inadvertently creating an unhappy childhood when I’m trying so hard to do the opposite.
Very long-winded way of asking: if you have an autistic child who is now an adult, what is your relationship like today? And looking back, what do you think helped preserve or strengthen your relationship through the harder years?