Am I wrong to stop sleepovers after assault at their dad's?

[Timlew]

Hello

My boys new step mother (married 1 month!) has always been an unhinged drinker ( think sweet but a psycho).

My boys have always said there are heated arguments at their dads house in the middle of the night. Oldest son is sure she is violent.

It all came to a head 3 weeks ago when my oldest messaged me begging for me to call the police at 3 in the morning as she was hitting his dad and threatening to kill him, this was not an arguement gone wrong, she had woken him up from sleep to do this. My son called me and I only needed to hear 20 seconds to know I needed to call the police. She was subsequently arrested for criminal assault. Bail conditions were dropped with no charge within a week.

Ex husband does not understand why I won't let the boys sleep over with her present. I don't want her to lay eyes on my children. They were very shaken for days.

Now ex husband thinks this is all on me and I am being the bad parent for not letting them stay, although I am not stopping contact, I have said he can take them camping this week as originally planned but he refuses to have them over night unless she is there!! I know my youngest (9) wants to go back to normal but oldest (14) doesn't want to see her at all. He is absolutely besotted with her and in complete denial. I have offered to meet to talk to him about this, I have offered mediation, he refuses to talk to me.

How do we move on from this if he is going to stay married with her and choses her over the boys?

You accept his decision and concentrate on giving your dc support and a great life with you full time.
You can't argue with fucking stupid.

Report her to social services so they make the decision. Then he has no choice but to comply with access roles or give up on his kids and they’ll know what choice he’s made

If he won't engage and speak to you like a responsible adult and co-parent, you accept that he is choosing to put his violent partner above his children's safety and you protect your children. It really is as simple as that.

Social services mash were already involved but I haven't heard anything from them

I’d follow up and log your concerns again in case it ends up in court in the future. Your ex is very much wrong to insist on this

You don’t really have much choice here

The kids cannot be in a violent household.

If he chooses her, then so be it.

Its a bog standard safety plan that would normally be put in place if the children werent in your care or had allocated SWs, that they're not be either unsupervised with this woman or in the vicinity of DV/DA

So no, they cant stay overnight and I wouldnt want them with their dad with her there either. Its him alone or nothing

If he doesnt agree to that, that is a great shame for the boys relationship with their father but you need to keep them safe.

You stick to your original answer - no. Your children should not be around this and should not be the ones having to call you for help. You are doing the right thing