Would I be unreasonable to move my toddler after nursery concerns?

[Monkeylife17]

I was hoping for some potentially more rationale thoughts than my own here and apologies for the long post.

DD is 26 months now (just turned 2) and has attended nursery since 10 months - she does 3 and 1/2 days a week. Sine she started we have had no cause for concern from there and have been happy as has she to attend.

Around her 2nd birthday she was moved up a room to an older setting and it’s just not gone well at all.

It started off minor, within the first week her key worker was negative about her not following the new rules of her new room around mealtimes and actually declared her as defiant. For context DD is no angel, but certainly not defiant or a handful.

I was then asked to come in for a meeting as she, only on one occasion, tipped her pasta all down herself at mealtime and they asked why this was happening. I am a FTM, but I felt this to be overkill.

She hasn’t slept at nursery at all since moving room, despite still loving a solid 1-2hr nap at home and grandparents, family etc. She’s completely melting down when I pick her up due to being so overtired.

Finally this week, nursery asked for another meeting to say that they have concerns over her speech, using words in the wrong context a few times and she is “stimming” when we have asked for specific examples we don’t get much from them. But they are now suggesting autism and a SENCO review.

I am completely shocked by this, we have zero concerns about her and neither do the HV. I suspect she is exhibiting some extremely tired behaviour at times due to the no sleeping but in no way do I think this is a reasonable response given the lack of evidence they have provided us on how they’ve reached this conclusion.

AIBU in considering to move her to a different setting?

I wouldn’t move her immediately but I’d definitely speak to them (email thr nursery manager) about the nap, do they say shes just refusing? Seems unusual to nap at home and not nursery; usually it’s the other way round. The pasta thing is ridiculous they were concerned - as a one off.

Personally I would take some time to sit down with what they’ve said and try not to jump to anger/annoyance. Nursery workers are not experts but they do tend to see the very wide range of ‘normal’ behaviours and can sometimes be quite adept at spotting behaviours that fall outside that range. Two is sort of the age where certain behaviours can become noticeable. It may be nothing but if they’ve mentioned it, I would want to at least make sure I wasn’t missing anything, especially when sometimes with your first you might not have much experience of standard child behaviour.

My friend’s husband, who hadn’t really been around children much, refused to believe there was anything going on with their DD until he came to a party as my friend couldn’t make it and saw his DD around other children the same age.

Instead of going straight to moving her, I would want to talk to them and with an open mind, not being defensive, which is understandable, but trying to work out what specifically they are noticing behaviour-wise and whether there is anything in it.

Your HV might be able to attend the setting to see your DD in that environment too - this happened with our friends above, and at least might give you an objective perspective.

I would meet with the SENCO and nursery manager before deciding whether to move her.

I'd also meet with manager and SENCO whilst also researching alternatives.

I think I'd be moving her - if everything was fine before she moved up to the next stage, this is the potential problem.
Someone has already labelled her as defiant - that's quite strong language for such a young child adapting to a new environment/rules.
She will be struggling if she's not sleeping, overwhelmed and not being properly supported.
Much easier to blame the child than look at the staff that are with her.
Things like not speaking isn't a problem in itself if she is communicating and understanding speech, instructions etc
Didn't put my children in nursery but had friends who did and several moved their children once they were in the 2+ room because of issues. So don't think it's unusual!

Thank you so much for your response. You have basically described how I’ve been feeling.

In no way do I not want her to get help and support if she needs it 100% I would do anything for my DD.

I think I have been worried I’ve been coming from a defensive / angry place just due to the lack of solid evidence or examples given from nursery.

My deep down worry has been that because I may and will have a blind spot to her because she’s mine and in our eyes she’s perfect but I’ve just felt that the nursery have made excuses and we genuinely haven’t noticed anything at home.

Will go with the assessment and see how it goes thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you! It’s just been the general inconsistency that’s thrown us off and reaction to a minor thing but not reacting to big things. I think we will email the nursery manager for a further meeting!

This is exactly been mine and DHs position since it has happened. We have felt like they are rushing into something when we really could just try and improve things both ends (we aren’t perfect parents and I’m yet to meet them if they exist!) but she’s very very loved and the centre of our world and I’ve just had no development concerns at all.

Op something very similar happened to us with our ds. We moved him to a more nurturing and supportive setting which definitely helped him.

However what we also did which was a huge mistake was not to listen to them about ASD. We got him dx in primary school, but he would have had a much better reception and Year 1 if we had listened to what people were trying to tell us at nursery age.

Thank you! This is precisely my internal heart ache. On the face of it, I don’t observe enough behaviour that would make me think DD is ASD, nor have the nursery provided us with any evidence to support it.

But based on the above, and I have a “mama bear” reaction and move her - if she needs additional support then I could be preventing it entirely.

I think we support the senco assessment and regardless of outcome find somewhere that nurtures her a little more. Regardless of DD and her needs I don’t think this environment is helpful to her.

Thanks for being so kind.

It sounds to me like she’s moved up and she wasn’t ready. Lots of toddlers drop their naps around now. If she’s the youngest in the room, the others likely won’t be napping anymore and they won’t really even be trying to get her to nap. I think this will be at the heart of the issues. Along with expecting her to behave like the 2.5-3 year olds in the room, which she’s not, because she’s barely 2.