How can we manage our eight-year-old's behaviour and seek ADHD support?

[AtHerWitsEnd]

Before I start, please be gentle as I’m on treatment for stage 4 cancer and am feeling very vulnerable.
I’m completely at a loss as to how to manage my 8 year old son. We suspect ADHD but no diagnosis and whenever it’s been mentioned to school (at least once every school year since year 1) it’s been semi-dismissed. Behaviorally we consistently see defiance, rudeness, selfishness, a pathological need to be first/have the biggest etc, huge emotional reactions (often to minor things), lack of impulse control, behaviours younger than his years etc. If corrected or told off the situation instantly escalates massively, way beyond what is a proportional reaction. Situations that you assume to be a reaction to over excitement don’t change no matter how many times we do that thing (ie where you would expect initial excitement to decrease as the thing becomes “normal” rather than new).

We’re at the point where most days are a battle from beginning to end and it’s starting to impact relationships - from his friendships to relationships within our family (DH & I are constantly at odds with him and constantly bickering with each other cos we’re wound so tight by his behavior) and relationships with our friends (there is frequently conflict between our son and the children of our friends). He lashes out verbally and, increasingly, physically. He hurts his brother multiple times a day and shows little remorse unless we ban his screen (and his screen time is regulated heavily before anyone comes at me for that)
And his younger brother is starting to mimic his behaviour (and it’s definitely learned behaviour not his natural behavior - he’s a follower regardless of the consequences)
I could give more examples but he’s currently going wild, his brother is copying and DH is having a go at me for taking five minutes to actually do something for myself rather than making another vain attempt to calm the chaos. I am beyond my wits end. Every day is miserable and full of stress/chaos. I worry about my son’s mental health, my mental health and the state of my marriage cos of the stress. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I think I just need to finally get some of it off my chest and I struggle to open up to people who know us. If anyone bothers to respond please be gentle. If anyone has any hope or suggestions I would be grateful as I have no clue where to turn and it’s honestly ruining my family life. He’s 8, I cannot actually believe the scale of his impact on the family

Have you actually spoke to the school’s SENCO though? If you’ve only spoken to his teachers and they don’t see anything unusual then you won’t get anywhere with them.

Even if the school doesn’t have an issue with his behaviour then the SENCO should be giving you information on the referral pathways for assessment and advice.

Have you been to the GP? Can you afford to go privately for assessment?

There are lots of strategies that do work BUT they are preventative. Once he is escalated and aggressive, it’s very difficult. Honestly, if he has ADHD not much will get him out of it apart from when his brain calms down and he’s ready.
Strategies that might help:
routine - make your life predictable in the extreme
low demand
social stories (when we play this game together you might lose if you lose what do you think you might say? If you win what do you think you might say? How do you think you might feel if you lost this game?)
Very clear expectations and boundaries
Do not enter into brinkmanship with this child you will never ever win
Do not resort to the physical
Focus on the sibling that is hurt rather than the sibling that is doing the hurting.
take your emotion out of the picture - he is not doing this to hurt you. His young brain is not developed enough at the moment, but this is not forever.

There are lots of people in the same boat as you. Reach out to them have a look on Facebook or another local group. It will help not to feel so alone.

It gets better x

Thank you both for your responses. With reference to school, his year 2 teacher was SENCO but didn’t raise any concerns. Every year when we’ve raised it we’ve had “we can see the behaviours you mean but it could just be age, I hadn’t connected it to ADHD etc”. And school have been quite proactive with the kids who are more obviously SEN, so it’s not that they just aren’t SEN-friendly. I will try again at the start of next year to speak to the SENCO though and also the GP. I just feel
hopeless, like I’m failing him. I worry when I’m gone will anyone else help or support him or will everything just continue to decline. Not in a good place at all so I appreciate you taking the time to respond.x

I agree with count’s approach.
is there anything that he does calmly? My adhd girl could get lost in crafts or having stories read to her. If you can find just one thing to do together that is calming it will help both of you. Even better if both your children can join in. It can’t be something where they have to interact with each other though. I found continual attention and many small corrections each day with clear rules and boundaries was what helped keep the day under control.
it is hard work though so lots of sympathy to you

It sounds like they see issues but think
He will outgrow or think that isnt adhd.
But also your description isnt actually saying
He cant concentrate
He is inattentive- needs repetition
He is hyperactive...
Maybe you are saying impulsive but is the hitting an impulse

Sounds more like you are saying he likes annoying others

Defiance/rude/selfish could just be personality? Are the gp pretty tricky?

My dd is adhd and yes there was hitting, scratching, biting. But it was always impulsive reaction to other kifs. She also as young kid never spent long on any playgroup activity. Never slept. Mentally hyper..
Never could go to clubs, told off at any she did go to.

School are definitely not always right but the critwria require 2 settings so school need to see the hyper or inattention etc.

How does he get on with others? Friends? Communication issues or sensory issues?

Dear @AtHerWitsEnd

i just want to say how very very sorry i am for your illness and the stress of what you are going through.

First i would say you need a day/night with your husband where you can talk about your illness, the future, how your husband is feeling and your plan for your son. Surely a family member would sleep over to give you both some space together. Lots will stem from you talking together and appreciating each others pain.

Second does your boy know you are poorly? And how serious it is? Has your appearance changed? This could be playing a part in his behaviour.

finally, i am a big believer in always learning and parenting is a none stop learning journey. Can you both pay to see a child psychotherapist ... maybe take some phone films of his behaviour and also share about your illness and how visible this is to him.
With more information, they will be able to provide some strategies and plans for you to follow together. They may also suggest diet changes etc for him.
They may suggest meeting him too for observation in one of the sessions.
i appreciate this may cost £500 odd for some private sessions but if you pick the right person it will be priceless.

Finally, please try every week to make some time for yourself- whether it's a walk with a friend, sitting in a park, reading for an hour. Grab back some time for you, even if your husband has to cover.

Sending hugs and so much strength to you x

He is definitely hyperactive. Struggles to sit still at the dinner table for more than a few seconds then he’s up and moving round the room. Runs like a hamster in a wheel across our sofa and armchair, back and forth over and over like he’s compelled to do it. And he is generally just always on the go unless he is engaged by something he enjoys then he can sit still for an hour or more. He takes ages to settle in to bed at night. Struggles a lot with giving/respecting people’s personal space. Used to be fine socially but lately has struggled, seems to be conflict of some sort wherever we go (nothing serious, just always some kid who he falls out with or feels has wronged him) to the point where I’m reluctant to go anywhere. Acts impulsively in many situations, and I genuinely believe one day he’ll have a nasty accident because of this. Often when he’s behaving poorly it seems almost out of his control, like he can’t stop himself. This is particularly so when he’s been told off or asked not to do something - rather that being able to stop he will just continue to do the thing that is annoying someone, sometimes it seems to me that he’s embarrassed at having being told off (or even just politely asked to stop) and doesn’t know what to do with the feeling or how to manage it, so he just does the thing more or lashes out verbally which then annoys or upsets the person even more. I do genuinely feel a lot of the time he can’t help it. But it’s hard to know. He wasn’t always like this, I don’t know what changed but I wish it would change back :-(

Sorry if this is blunt, but couldnt this be a boy terrified that his mummy is so ill? You say he wasn't always like this?
Have you spoken with him about his fears about this?

I suggest that you ask your GP, or HV, if your younger DC still has one, for a referral to Early Help, ask him to stress your diagnosis in the referral, as well as your DS' behavioural issues. You don't need to wait for school to start again. Macmillan or one of the other cancer charities might also be able to offer suggestions for ways to access support.

I would ask the GP for a referral under the right to choose scheme to someone like Held Health or Clinical Partners to have him assessed for Autism & ADHD. Some of what you’ve said sounds like my Autistic child who has a PDA profile.
I definitely agree that you should ignore him when he hurts or upsets his sibling & make a huge fuss of the sibling, comforting them etc.
Give lots of preparation for what’s happening that day and that week. Let him know if plans have to change asap.
Keep a sleep diary so you can ask for a melatonin script if appropriate.
As much physical activity as possible.

This sounds so hard, and I’m so sorry that you have cancer. It must be an impossibly difficult time for your family.

My very first thought was that both your kids must be so worried about your illness, and these changes in behaviour could be some manner of acting out. I wonder if your dc might benefit from Play therapy.

In any event you should be receiving counselling support for your kids given the serious illness you face. Have you been offered this? I think family therapy could be very beneficial

Thank you all for your responses, it’s appreciated and you’ve all been so kind. Regarding the illness, I’m not sure the kids are really aware of it, or at least they know I haven’t been well at times but not why. They’ve certainly never heard the word cancer and in general I don’t look or act like I’m ill. But I agree it may have had some impact, they’re likely more aware than we think they are even if just subconsciously. I will definitely see the GP as soon as possible, thanks

You say he hasn’t always been like this, when didn’t it start?
My 6 year old dd is similar and school have referred her for ADHD and ASD assessment, but she has always been like this, right from when she was a baby.