Five-year-old struggling after new baby and behaviour getting worse

[Mum481180101]

Recently just had my second baby and my son who is 5 struggled a bit with the attention being split causing really bad behaviour, it’s the school hols so everything we have done is for our son days out least 3 times a week and to shop to pick toys.
but the behaviour is just getting worse to the point he wakes his sister up everytime she’s down for a nap by banging, turning her swing off ect, I have tried to speak to him out it but just laughs at me then says he’s sorry then continues to do the exact same thing, at a loss what to try now as anything I do try makes it worse.
this week we haven’t done any days out as I’ve told him because of his behaviour we won’t be doing anything fun and feel by doing that it’s made him 10x worse
unsure what else to try as I know it stems from jealousy from going from just being him to me being shared between and his sister needing more attention.

Baby needs to nap in a room away from 5yo where possible.

Make special time for. 5yo when baby is napping and feeding. Sit and read/colour.

Turn off screens as much as possible.

Did you do any prep before the baby? Like leaving 5yo to play alone?

Reward charts can help too, every time 5yo does what you want, give a sticker. Be clear with expectations in advance and praise for meeting them. Eg "baby is having a nap, if you play away from that room/area quietly, you get a sticker".

It's obviously a bit late now but it would have been worth explain things to him upfront.

You can still do that on a daily basis - explain at the beginning of the day that you will have to look after baby and him and theae are things he can't do bit also these are the things you will make the effort to do with him.

Cancelling outings seems like a bad idea. Also, 2 to 4 times a week just doesn't cut it for a 5 year old boy. It's twice a day if he's with you full time!
I have 2 little ones and when the 2nd was born we still went out daily. You can't not, really, if not it descends into what you're experiencing.
I'm a big believer in the naughty step - immediate consequence to an action. It works for us.

Congrats on your new baby!

my son was also 5 when his sister came along and acted the exact same way.

My HV said to me ‘remember when you had him, your first baby, it’s a shock to the system, that’s how he’s feeling now’
and that really put it into perspective for me on how he was feeling.

I totally get the no going out for bad behaviour but I think deep down it’s about him adjusting to the baby and also having to share him mum.

Even out to the park and blow the cob webs off.
when you see him starting to act up, suggest a game, playing in the garden, whatever it is he likes.
if another adult is there with you, let them hold the baby for abit.

I also just wanted to add my DD is now 2 and they are obsessed with eachother, they can’t go anywhere without eachother and have such a lovely relationship.

yeah I put her down in separate room for some naps but he will still go in and wake her up, yeah we do one to one when she’s down and hardly have screens on, and yeah he would happily play alone before his sister come along in his room or in livingroom,
I’ll give the reward chart ago and an end goal for so many stickers for that week.

Yeah I explain things to him upfront and did before she was here and I had a c section so getting out every single day has been hard, if we’re not out for the day we will go into garden ect,
i know he’s just struggling with sharing me, he absolutely adores his sister and is so proud tells everyone when he’s out that this is his sister

Generally in this kind of situation I think carrot works better than stick. So rewards for good behaviour are better than cancelling days out etc. He gets a sticker for specific things (eg not waking the baby from her nap) and a treat after 5 stickers. I think it also helps to remember that this behaviour is very very normal.

This is completely normal, and I think punishing is not fair - he is allowed to struggle with this massive change, and you need to make time and space for him to express his feelings. I'd try rewarding for good behaviour rather than punishing. (I'm sure you know but babies should def not be sleeping in a swing...)

yeah I’m going to give the reward chart ago with something at the end for so many stickers

'My HV said to me ‘remember when you had him, your first baby, it’s a shock to the system, that’s how he’s feeling now’
and that really put it into perspective for me on how he was feeling.'

This is such a good point. In his little 5 year old mind, he's been replaced. There's now somebody else in mummy's arms and on mummy's lap and taking up a lot of mummy's time. And small babies are deathly boring to a 5 year old so beyond the early bit of novelty, there's nothing in it for him.

No activities all week is way too harsh. As others said, he needs to get out and have some structure to the day. Try to get him involved in caring for the baby (a bit) by bringing you the wipes or putting the nappies in the bin or whatever, and give him lots of praise for doing it. Don't react if he refuses. Go easy on him, it's a huge adjustment

It's a phase, it will pass.

I'd do the opposite and get out as much as you possibly can, definitely a carrot rather than stick situation.

I understand getting out for the whole day is a tall order! I had c sections too and wasn't super mobile afterwards.
Maybe shorter outings like a soft play where you can sit and watch?
I know.on the summer it's very hard as lots of playgroups are cancelled.

Like a ppl mentioned incentive charts do work as well. 5 year old boys are peaking with their energy so it's a tough age gap for you.

I hope you can get some support and rest too. As a treat to yourself, is there an aquarium nearby? It was my magic trick when I just needed quiet. Even newborns can enjoy them and they do have a calming influence on everyone!

Yeah I make time and we always make sure he expresses his feelings and talk about how his feeling ext are valid and if she falls asleep in swing she is moved to her snuz basket

Yeah we do softplay, he loves to show her round the baby part we go in while she’s awake and do the aquarium with them both as he’s obsessed with sharks and she loves just laying looking at them all in the walk through tanks, going to try the reward chart as gives him something to work towards