Advice for helping my five year old manage anger and aggression

[TheSharpFish]

I’m posting for the first time to get some advice about my 5 year old son. I’d like some advice to help with emotional regulation, particularly how he handles anger.

my main concern is his aggression when he feels angry and how this is directed at other people. For example, he has bitten his younger brother 3 times in the last few months when he’s got angry because they want the same toy. I think tiredness also plays a part here because it’s usually in the difficult 5-7pm window. Separately, he can also lash out towards me with kicking or hitting when he’s angry.

For consequences, if he hurts his brother we will take his brother away for cuddles and help him first. We are firm with my son about no biting, tell him it hurts, show him the marks that it leaves, talk about how it’s not safe or kind behaviour and if he can’t be safe then he can’t join in or play with his brother. We take away toys or privileges at the time too, which works better earlier in the evening because it can be more immediate for him, like take away play time that evening in the garden. A bit harder when it’s 7pm and the day (and fun) is pretty much finished. Similar consequences if he lashes out at me.

it’s so hard because mostly he’s lovely, and has such a close relationship with his brother. They play so well together, are so close and he’s a really friendly, kind little boy. School have raised no concerns about his behaviour or SEN. He has just finished reception and struggled for the first few months with separation anxiety. This is still something he finds hard at times, but not consistently.

I’d welcome any advice, books for us/him, online resources!

Sorry OP but I've no advice for you, but maybe a little reassurance?

My sibling and I were very close (18mths difference in age) and played together well, every day, but we also fought each other physically very often, at least weekly.

We had all the usual punishments at home and neither of us were physical at school or socially with friends, but with each other we fought physically until early teens.

We're still close today (60's) but as youngsters we'd often be our worst selves with each other.

Siblings can be like that at home with each other and still be 'close', but they generally outgrow it by adolescence.

Thank you for your reply and the perspective. I’ve also got siblings the same age and I remember the fighting! I guess it’s different when you’re the parent this time round. I’m sure my parents were horrified and sick of our fighting back then, but they seem to have come though okay too!

I have 5 year old twins so I know how brutal they can be!

one twin in particular has a temper - he can be Very physical with his sister and she has some medical issues which make her “weaker” physically (mentally though she’s definitely the stronger of the two!)

i will take him aside and say it’s ok to get mad sometimes but you aren’t allowed to be mean. It’s trying to get him to understand the difference between “I’m angry” and “I’m going to be mean” and aggressive just for the sake of it. There is always consequences- removal of toy, removal of him from whatever they are doing, removal of a treat. I’ll talk him down from
his temper and try and get him to articulate what went wrong in that moment. Then make him apologise and he’ll usually give her a hug. Them Being twins it’s hard to separate them as even if I put space between them they invariably end up back together. A lot of the time I can see it’s a rush of big emotion and he lashes out - I know he doesn’t do it out of malice he just has nothing to redirect it to. He gets very distressed if he thinks he has really hurt her.

Hi my five year old is similar and I have no solutions. I am amazed by his anger too. He will clench his hands and I have seen try to bite something in frustration. - anything.

i am finding it getting a bit better as he is getting older. At 4 we was throwing things around his bedroom and door slamming. I am hoping as he gets older he can communicate his feelings instead of screaming/biting/feet stamping.

he is also very well behaved at school. They never see this behaviour and I wonder if he then stores it all up for home where he can relax?

I’ve heard these can be helpful, might be worth a try:

https://thecalmnesscrew.com/?srsltid=AfmBOoplyZ9wwWZ95-AkO9xKu_tF5KQAoNKG9t2PcRqtzyR-xVoMayw9

Thanks so much everyone-so helpful to hear other people’s experiences.

Does he also get one to one time with you or his dad? Just to lessen those biting jealous feelings on a regular basis. Possibly something with a physical element to give him an outlet for aggression and build his confidence, depending on what he is in to - football, martial arts,hockey,trampolining...

He does thrive with 1:1 time and we are lucky to have a garden so I do try to keep him out and active as much as possible. I think I’m going to re-focus our efforts to keep the tv time limited, especially over the holiday when we are trying to juggle work and school holidays. He is much better outside and active, and I’m aware that we easily slip into the habit of putting the tv on late afternoon and this thread has been a good reminder to notice what works for him and make the effort to keep it going.

If you're doing all the talking about it at the time, stop this - the only reaction at the time should be a "no" (or hey/stop/no biting) and then the consequence. If you do the talking about why we don't bite and look how brother is hurt etc etc at the time, then you are reinforcing the behaviour with attention. It's not necessarily a deliberate choice by him e.g. choosing to bite because he likes this attention, it's just that attention is very reinforcing, so it's more like it essentially gives his brain the message that this is a very useful action and to store it under "to be repeated".

Do the talking at a separate time, because his ability to translate verbal or empathetic reasoning into understanding and motivation will also be better when he is less emotionally wound up.

And I would also look into suggestions of things for him TO do when he feels so angry he wants to bite or hit. Because then you can encourage him towards that and give attention or praise when he does this. This is more effective than punishing the unwanted behaviour, and doing both is slightly more effective than just rewarding the replacement behaviour alone.

Thank you, that’s good advice. They have a bath together and he saw the marks on his brother from a bite and we did have a conversation about it, which I could tell did go in. I find teaching emotional regulation such a hard part of parenting, and I don’t want to project this on him, but I’m also protective of my younger son and and just desperate for us to find the replacement behaviour or activities that work for him.

on the other hand, he talk loads about using the quiet room at school, or his ‘alone time’ spots at school when he’s getting annoyed. He’s done this at home quite a lot and he will just go and curl up on the sofa or in his tent and I always go in to check after a few moments and give him loads of praise for helping himself find what he needs to calm down. I’m going to try to reinforce this, and maybe help him decorate or put some comfort items in these spots so they feel more appealing when he’s really heightened. Worth a try!

Interesting about using alone time and the fact that you say this happens more when he’s tired. My youngsters anger was directed towards inanimate objects rather than siblings who were all older, but it’s pretty alarming to see a toddler smashing up his toys or sometimes his siblings toys. Directing my anger at him didn’t seem appropriate as it wouldn’t help the self regulating. I used to frame it as ‘you are tired’ which he was and take him somewhere quiet for a lie down- bedroom or settee and stay with him for a few minutes til he had calmed down. It wasn’t a phase that lasted very long so hopefully yours will grow out of it soon.