How to address partner overcompensating with his son before baby arrives

[Cxxxxj]

Myself and my OH are expecting our first baby when we met he had a non bio son who stays a couple of nights a week which i wholly accepted. Over recent months he stopped the visits or came and asked to go home hours later my OH is dealing with this by over compensating when he does visit with extravagant days out gifts you name it the kid gets it to the point where a recent phonecall went along the lines of 'tell me what we'll be doing and ill decide if im coming' hes got no respect for me or the home and when i bring it up with my OH he just says hes struggling with the concept of a new sibling and acting up how do i get it through to him that hes being spoilt and the behaviour is only getting worse or do i need to accept that the 9 year old is indeed just acting up

He's 9. In his eyes he's being replaced. Love bomb him with time and include him with your plans and he'll calm down imo. But his df needs to be treating both dc with importance or his 9yo will indeed treat his sibling with no regard .
My friends ds never accepted his dsis simply because their df treated him like a little Lord and didn't nurture any sibling relationship at all.
Ask him opinions on names. Could he choose some things for the new baby ?

Thank you thats what im trying to get accross with my OH that it needs to be less about gifting and more quality time we've not even paid of the pram yet and hes spending hundreds every weekend we've told him he can keep the bigger bedroom as there was a meltdown that he was going to be moved into the box room but at the minute it seems as though hes calling all the shots we did take him to pick things for the baby but he insisted he was bored and wanted to go home we keep talking about his little brother and the only term he uses is 'the baby'

Of course he feels like he is being replaced he does not have adult thinking at that age

A non-bio son? The son of an ex partner that he remains close to as a father figure or an adopted son? Either way it's good that he wants to keep him happy but bribery only goes so far, is he actually jealous of the new baby coming or just taking advantage of the situation? What will happen when the baby arrives and his dad isn't so endlessly available for trips and gifts?

I would tell him what the plan is for his visit and if it isn't good enough he doesn't have to come, you can't have everything revolving around him, there are three, soon to be four of you in this family relationship.

Thank you for the advice yes hes an ex partners child that my partner still sees which i think is adding to my OH feeling like he needs to keep up this bribery to keep him visiting i totally accept that hes 9 and its a huge adjustment for any child but it does seem like its at a point where hes just seeing what he can get out of us/the situation

So I think this is a much more delicate situation than a father son relationship with weekend contact. In that case, there is some obligation to maintain the relationship because they are family and it’s what family do. In this situation, these visits are, well, optional in a sense. Your partner isn’t his dad. You all aren’t family in that sense. It’s more like another adult who does fun things with you and I can totally understand wanting to know what fun things he’s going to do before leaving home for a visit. My 8 year old totally tells me when he doesn’t want to do whatever activity I have planned and that he’d rather stay home with Dh than go on a fun day out with me. Okay, fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The difference is he lives with me and has no choice in the matter. But your set up is very different and now his ‘dad’ is getting a ‘real’ child of his own and that’s very destabilising. Yes, your partner does need to focus on quality time over gifts. You also need to sort your finances so his spending on his son is coming from his personal money and not your household money. Bills need paying first and food bought before gifts. And that goes for gifts for everyone, not just his son.

It's lovely that your partner wants to maintain the familial relationship with the boy, but I do think it is significant that they are not actually related.
Does the boy call your partner 'dad' and/or truly consider him 'dad'? Was it a situation that he had been co parenting with his ex since the son was an infant? Is the two nights a week an agreed custody split (even if unofficial), or a casual arrangement?

Does this young boy have an actual father or is your DH in loco parentis?

Does the kid no that your partner his not his biological dad?

He does see his biological dad a couple of times a year refers to my partner by his first name rather than dad. the 2 nights a week has been consistent since he split with his ex prior to that he had been coparenting with her

That is a difficult situation. I imagine your partner feels very insecure with his relationship with him.

There will be things that will continue to come up that will change the relationship they have. What you hope is that their bond continues even though the relationship looks different. Do you think your partner might be a bit too fixed in his ideas of how their relationship is or needs to be?

The step son might not want to stay when the baby arrives anyway because it cries. Maybe when he's a little older he won't want to leave his stuff and home comforts to stay somewhere else twice a week. Maybe the dynamic changes when the mum gets into a new relationship, or maybe she moves.

Maybe your partner could focus on spending time with the step son, (for want of a better term) doing a shared hobby they both enjoy, rather than big days out. Something like football or fishing that they regularly do that they both enjoy together that continues after the baby comes.

I think he needs to give the step son space as well and not try to force visits etc, but keep the invites and communication going.