Leaving my 16 month old for 10 weeks for work and citizenship

[MumWithEspresso]

I have a dilemma. For immigration reasons, I need to leave my 16-month-old for 2.5 months while I return to the UK to look for a job and hopefully establish a base. I can't take him with me because I won't have any local support.
He'll be staying with my mum, who already looks after him most evenings, so she's someone he knows and feels secure with.
If I postpone the trip, I'll lose the opportunity to qualify for British citizenship next year. The long-term benefits for both of us are significant, but I'm very worried about how such a long separation might affect him.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did your child cope, and how was your relationship afterwards?

I can't take him with me because I won't have any local support

I'd challenge this. Not bringing your child is not a fixed parameter.

A competent mother can look after 1 child solo.
if you need childcare - There is a lot of childcare available you just need to research it. Childminders or agency staff are likely going to be a good option

I say this as someone who is not a crunchy mum. I am more than happy to leave my kids for appropriate periods of time.
An evening out at 6 weeks .... a week away.for work at 12m etc.

10 weeks away at 16m is not something a good mother (or father) does IMO. Honestly that length of separation will impact your child.

I couldn’t. Can your mum come with you? Where’s baby’s other parent? There has to be other options

It's not ideal, but your baby will be fine, especially as they feel secure with your mum. Lots of people have to do this, and have done so for decades at least.

Single parenting with childcare as lots do.

I'd do whatever you can to avoid this.

Why can't you bring your Mum and baby with you for at least some of the time or use childcare in the UK? Or bring childcare with you from your home country if that would be cheaper.

No I couldn’t do it. Can your mum come with you ?

I think in a white British forum this is an usual suggestion - in European and Asian circles it is
much more normal.
A friend of mine from Moldova had to leave her daughter of a similar age for several months in order to get life sorted to bring her into. Many mothers across the world work seasonal jobs away from their families, and of course in the UK people always forget women in the military (and fathers!!!) who regularly spend stints abroad.
That is all to say it won’t be easy, or pleasant,
but it is doable and is done by many.

What are you going to be doing for 2.5 months that means you can’t look after your child?

I'm not originally British, I was born somewhere else - somewhere poor where lots of people do this as they have no choice. I myself was left with relatives for periods of time from age 1. I think this is not the right forum to ask. Getting British citizenship is huge and you have to do what you have to do.

2,5 weeks maybe, 2.5 months no. Is this to secure Settled Status? Presumably you would not be working in which case why can dc not come along?

I would do it if there's no way for you to postpone the trip to the UK and if the child's staying behind with your mother is the best solution to make sure the child is cared for and happy while you're gone. Is the other parent completely out of the picture, or will also be away the whole time you're gone? I only ask because if the other parent is in the country where the baby would be staying with your mother, then their spending as much time as possible with the baby mitigates the situation lot and makes the idea of your taking the child with you, even if you could, a lot less attractive.

Go, it’s not for long in the grand scheme of things. My husband works away and the hugs he got when he came home from sea were immense. You will be able to talk/FaceTime as needed but be prepared it might might your toddler worse so it might be in their best interests for you to see videos of them rather than real time.

It'll be fine. Many parents have to do this. You DC knows your mum and is very familiar with her. I could easily care for my DGC for that period if DM had to be away.

One of my students left her child in her own country for 3 years while studying in the UK (she did go home for visits and the child came here with the father for holidays). Her education was life changing for the whole family. It was an investment in her family.

It's all very well for the middle class, high income MN professionals to wring their hands and cry 'I could never...'. They are in a very privileged position.

When you or your child look back this amount of time is insignificant. And I say this as a strong advocate for motherhood and bonding . Your long term future and the child's depends on this . You are leaving him with the best possible carer . You can keep in contact.Do what you need to do and don't beat yourself up over it .

Yes people do this in Asia and, having extensively worked in Asian schools, it is glaringly obvious to me which kids this has happened to and which see their parents continuously. It is always the ones with absent parents who struggle with emotional and behavioural issues. If a kid has an issue with behaviour in my class, I can predict I will be speaking to an auntie, uncle, older brother, or grandparent not a parent later to sort it. I would also gently challenge you as to whether British citizenship is as important as a happy well-adjusted child. I live in a country where I don’t have citizenship. It’s just a bit of paperwork once a year. We cannot simultaneously say it is traumatic for LOs to be separated from their primary caregiver in adoption or care but then say “oh they do it in Asia so it’s fine”.

My aunt did this for 3 years and got British citizenship + her surgical training and exam done. My cousins (who lived abroad with her sister) are fine. They are in their forties, both doctors and mums. People used to do this all the time 50-80 years ago, 16 weeks is nothing.

I agree with others, this is probably a site where it’s really hard for people to imagine doing this since it isn’t usual in our culture (UK).

However if your child is well looked after and loved by your mum I’m sure it will be fine, it is not a long time viewed through the prism of life. And if you are able to secure better financial prospects this way that is important. (What about your child though, will they qualify too? 16 weeks is one thing, several years is another.)

I’m sure I read that Queen Elizabeth II had to leave her babies to do a 3 or 4 month tour of Africa when she was a young Queen.

Best of luck to you!

That’s very interesting to read. How old are the children you are teaching?

Of course you do it. You're securing a future for yourself and your child.
Dont bother asking on here, i mean just go and look at the current thread where a number of posters say they wouldn't evacuate their children if the UK were being bombed 😂 Delusional.

On the other hand, people in this country are happy to ship kids off to boarding schools and put their parents in care homes

OP you must be really struggling with this. For me personally I don't think I could do it HOWEVER it is easy for me (and others) to say this as I am not in your position the question really isn't could you or should you but for you to step back and try not to be overly emotional about it all and look at what the benefits to both you and your DC are longterm if you feel these benefits are worth it then you have your answer. It's a long time but in the grand scheme of things it isn't and DC is young enough not to remember...

I do agree with other PP's though about if it is possible to bring DC and possibly your DM for a period of time?

I'm sure you will miss him dreadfully but you would know he is being well looked after and loved by your mum. I would do it if it's a necessity. Could mum bring him to visit you during that time or is it too far?

I couldn’t have done this, no.

Can your mother not travel with you and baby?

What an ignorant post. Staying in the UK long term if you don't have citizenship is not just some yearly paperwork. And if you are one of the extremely lucky people born in the UK or another Western country, you really need to check your privilege before you spout such nonsense.

And she's not leaving him for years, she is leaving for 2 months.

Can your mum come over for the last 2/3/4 weeks to make the time away a little less?

It will be difficult for you of course to leave your child for that long, but if it is to secure your future then you have to do what you have to do! Your child is 16 months and won’t remember this period of their life anyway.