I’m struggling with his lack of eating.

[makemineadecaf]

I’m at my wits end

My son is 4.5 and his eating is awful. He has a really rigid diet and point blank refuses to try anything new, citing it as “disgusting” without even trying.

Breakfast is peanut butter on toast/ sandwich or weetabix with milk or dry cereal

Lunch is a peanut butter sandwich, crisps, cucumber, fruit, frube

Dinner is chicken nuggets, rarely fish fingers and chips, cucumber and peppers

He drinks different squashes, milk, water and fruit smoothies.

He refuses: pasta, rice, potatoes in non-chip form, pizza, cheese, meat, sauces, cooked vegetables, sandwiches with anything other than butter or peanut butter.

Snacks he’s fine with all sorts of biscuits, treats etc.

He starts school in September and there’s no way he’ll eat the lunches so I’ll have to do a packed lunch to ensure he eats but this will be the same thing day in, day out and I can’t even give him peanut butter at school.

A paediatrician said he’s fine because he’s touching each food group but only just. How can this be fine?

We’ve tried: adding one new thing to his safe foods. Refuses. Tried not leaving the table without trying, we’ll sit there indefinitely. Tried giving him a recipe book and choosing ingredients at the shops - happy to buy and make, refuses to eat.

What are your mealtimes like? Is he the main focus of the meal?
We always just served some normal dinner and some safe food and left them to it.
No commenting or coaxing at all, they knew they didn’t have to try anything but equally they knew we wouldn’t allow any whinging or complaining about not wanting to try whatever it was.
It was a very long process, well over a year of perseverance, but it did work in the end. Now in late teens they eat anything and everything.

We worked on dinner first and the rest changed later. They ate the same breakfast and lunches however I found once they started school they became interested in what friends had and wanted to try school dinners etc.

For a start, I wouldn't assume that he isn't going to eat when he's at school. I wouldn't even mention it I would just send him to school and see what happens.

I've been a teacher for thirty years you would be surprised at the things that children will do at school that they would never do at home. I'm not saying he's definitely going to eat, but I really do think you should give him the chance.

Don't mention the food at all at school just saying you will be having your lunch at school. And then when he comes home, don't ask him about it. He is not going starve during the school day.

I agree with the poster above with regards to the meals you are giving him at home.

I would take the focus of him completely make the meals you would make give them to him and take them away later then offer him weetabix before bed. Not Weetabix one night and toast the next, but the same thing every night.

Stop talking about food, stop worrying
about whether he is hungry for a few days and see what happens.

If he tells you he is hungry then tell him that he is in luck because lunch is in an hour. Or whatever it is. And then change the subject

Have you tried cooking meals with him? I’ve found DD is much more willing to try new foods if she’s helped me to cook them. We also read some stories about food with recipes in and she’s always super excited to try cooking these recipes.

Maybe reread OPs post again before commenting

What happens the rare times you do get something new in him? Does he gag/vomit?

If yes it may be ARFID. I have it too. I still struggle with new food and go off old safe foods on a regular basis but my pool of safe foods is big enough I can find something to eat on almost any menu these days.

If it is ARFID then focus on keeping safe foods available while presenting things that are very similar.

E.g if he'll only eat one specific brand of chicken nugget, try and find a second brand that is very similar and mix one or two of that brand in to get him used to something that is "the same but different". Expand that out over time with different brands until hell accept any type of breaded chicken, then try turkey etc.

With chips try out different shapes and sizes until maybe he'll try a waffle for instance.

You need to go in tiny baby steps evolving a safe food into something new. I used this method myself and went from nuggets and chips to a roast dinner. Repeat with each category of safe food and you can expand our his whole diet over time.

Focus on texture over taste when trying to find similar things - there are foods I like the taste of but gag/vomit when eating, and foods I don't really like but can eat without issue. It's a completely involuntary reflex and once I trigger it I feel sick and horrible for a few hours and can't eat any more even when I'm really hungry, so there is a big incentive to not really try. Try to avoid showing frustration as you really need to be in a positive mindset in order to risk new things and someone being annoyed at me makes me fat less likely to try; it's best not to try new stuff on days where he is very busy/tired too.

My 18yo was like this, and still is to some extent. It used to be a source of extreme stress to us all. She absolutely hates people talking about it still.

She has always had within her diet, as your boy does, relatively healthy things. A paediatrician once really helped me by telling me that it didn't matter that she only at 2 fruits as these already contained many of the nutrients you can get from fruit.

We shopped and cooked with her all the time. She's an excellent cook but when she was little it made no difference to her eating. As she has got older, she has added in a few things, but at the rate if about 1 or 2 per year.

When she was entering puberty, I got really worried about it as I felt that the whole situation was so stressful I was going to give her an eating disorder. I was talking to a friend who is an amazing cook and whose children are amazing eaters and she looked at me and said, "I was much worse than her. I would only eat plain pasta." I couldn't believe it. I asked her what was the one thing her mum had done that made her the eater she is today and she replied, "she stopped talking about it." I took that advice immediately to heart and I have to say it's the single best thing I have ever done as a parent. All the effort and all the talking made everything worse. Stopping talking made it all less stressful.

I often cook a meal people can assemble at the table so she doesn't feel that she's eating differently from other. For example I'll do fajitas with the chicken cooked separately and all the other bits around. Yes this means that in the past she has just eaten a wrap, chicken and some cucumber, but now ( after YEARS) she's added a bit of red pepper, yogurt and red onion. But, I truly believe, only because the pressure is off.

She eats a reasonable diet and understands she may sometimes have to have a boring dinner if that's her choice and that we will try and accomodate her most of the time.

I‘m not talking about recipe books per se. I’m talking about story books with some recipes in. For example, Angelina Ballerina and cheddar cheese buns. Or (very randomly), a book we picked up in a charity shop that was clearly commissioned by Marks and Spencer, telling the story of a little girl who travels across the UK to see for herself how the various ingredients are grown (at the Select Farms or whatever they’re called). The travel to a cherry farm and make cherry pie. Then to a chicken farm and make chicken curry. Then to a salmon farm and make some salmon dish.

And in terms of cooking, I don’t mean special stuff he’s picked out but everyday things. So my 4 year old DD likes to help stir-fry salmon, or add pasta to the saucepan etc.

Thanks for the replies.

Hes not massively fussed on brands of nuggets, shapes of chips etc as hell eat them but I suppose he does have a preference.

I just long for the day I can cook one meal because ultimately I’ll cave and make nuggets and chips just so I know he’s eaten. I can’t fathom the whole “if he’s hungry he’ll eat anything thing”

Sounds normal and the breakfast and lunch is fine

cook one dinner for you all that is take it or leave it but chose carefully - put some raw veg to one side if he doesn’t like cooked , eat lots of chicken and chips ( make your own nuggets and fish fingers to start weaning him off the chemicals)

and yes you will get bored but also just take it or leave it unless he is actually losing weight - when you start letting him have another peanut butter sandwich or more weetabix instead of what you are having

he clearly prefers slightly soft and quite bland food so keep dinners that way

cut the squash and the fruit smoothies

What happens at nursery? Most fussy eaters eat fine at nursery/school.

Overall his diet is boring but not terrible, I sympathize as there's no enjoyment for your family at meal times but equally he seems to get all the nutrients. Just give him what he wants and take the pressure off.

Nursery is half days only so lunch at home apart from one full day which is Friday fish fingers and chips so fine.

My DD was similar and yes it is hugely stressful.
And no, the 'eat when they're hungry' thing doesn't work for everyone. Mine would literally starve herself.

It does sound as though he is eating a relatively balanced diet, so I wouldn't worry too much at this stage.

I think kids have to try something around 20 times before they'll accept it, and that process is obviously lengthened when you can't even get the food to their mouth! So you do have to be really patient. Give him his normal dinner and just put a tiny amount of something else there - 1 or 2 peas, a carrot cube etc - just the same one item every meal. Ignore the fact that it's there and just leave him too it. If he does pick it up, sniff it, put it in and spit it out etc, ignore that too. They do get there in the end.

If he won't eat school meals, you could swap lunch and supper round so he could have cold nuggets for lunch with some bread and butter if the peanut butter is an issue. Mine did eat more variety at school than she would at home though.

Just to say my DS is the same. Your son’s diet is very similar to his but sounds like yours eats more fruit. I think my DS is nearly all just bagels and peanut butter. He does also eat cheese on toast. Things like fish fingers are occasional. And yes he’s fine with crisps and snacks but obviously that’s not ideal!

Yeah the “they’ll eat if they’re hungry enough” thing is mostly a myth for genuine restricted eaters. Because for most of them it’s not that they won’t eat something different, they genuinely can’t.

You’re doing the right things, keep his safe foods safe and available while continuing to expose him to new stuff with no pressure. Might be worth trying to see an OT who can give you more specific recommendations

Just keep exposing him to different foods alongside the foods he’ll eat.
Make sure you aren’t serving new foods first and taking them away in favour of his preferred food. You need to present the whole thing as dinner but he can eat the bits he wants to and leave the bits he doesn’t.
The aim for him initially is to be comfortable with food he doesn’t like. He doesn’t have to try it or you don’t even need to talk about it, it’s just there and he can choose to eat it or not.
Try as much as possible to eat together and chat about anything aside from the food. Keep things very light and even if your inner voice is yelling just try it don’t let it show. It is a long and frustrating process but it’s easier for everyone if you don’t make it a battle or a big deal.
My PIL thought I was lax for not making mine finish dinner, I was pandering to them by adding safe foods to each meal and by still giving them pudding even if they’d only eaten peas. DH and siblings had to sit at the table for hours and were sent to bed for not eating dinner but now they have conceded that my way has worked better seeing as two of their kids still don’t eat vegetables despite being in their 40’s and all mine eat pretty much everything.

Let him have the school dinners. They’ll be something he can eat. He’ll want to copy his friends and they get hungry at school.

Trust me I’d love him to have school dinners but he will literally push the plate away and won’t entertain eating it. Therefore he’d go 6.5 hours genuinely not eating. Hard no.

Ah man I feel for you. I have DC1 who will eat absolutely anything and I didn’t realise how lucky in am in that respect (have other shit going on in life), I just didn’t realise how privileged it is to not have this particular sort of worry

good luck OP!

As someone with a child with restricted eating who has gone through periods of not eating anything at all, the list of foods your DS will eat is fine. He is eating, lots of food and a reasonable variety. I would assume he also has a daily multivitamin too?

From experience, I would continue with what he will eat and add one thing to the plate that he might eat or has eaten in the past. I wouldn’t make any reference to it at all, and respond very neutrally to any comment about it. He may want it immediately removed, I would just reiterate it can just be left on his plate and then move on. If he really won’t tolerate it on the plate, then just move it off that time and move on with the meal. No comment again. Repeat each meal time. It may take an absolute age for him to contemplate trying it or even touching it.

Make sure, as PP have said, that you’re also eating at meal times and that there’s no discussion about who is eating what and that ideally you chat about other things. Absolutely no punishment or negative responses about what he eats or doesn’t eat.

You could keep going with the recipe buying and making, don’t worry if he doesn’t want to eat it. It again may take many many times before he even wants to touch new things. My DS often wants to make a meal for me or DH from things he won’t eat himself and very occasionally he wants to give things a try. This has gradually expanded the list of things he will eat, but it’s extremely slow progress.

Honestly, with children like the OPs, they will go hungry.
Nothing would have persuaded my DD to eat something that she wasn't comfortable with.

I’ve lived this experience and got the T-shirt, OP. DS was eventually diagnosed with AFRID aged 12 along with AuDHD.

What worked well for us was to offer the foods acceptable every single time, and also put out whatever else I was serving for the family. Over a very, very long time, some of these foods started to become acceptable. For example, it was only raw carrots for years, then it became baby corn, tenderstem broccoli and fresh peas.

meat was only ever nuggets or hot dog sausages- again for many years. Now they eat chops, burgers, salmon and roast chicken.

Carbs have been easier but very specific- only one sort of pasta and brand, microwave jasmine rice and only a certain brand of mashed potatoes.

They dislike food touching, eat precisely two sandwich fillings- tuna mayo (home made) or ham and cucumber (home made) and still have many rules but things are a million times better than they were when little.

We did everything advised to us. Nothing made a difference other than their maturity / development and own decisions over time.

I must have served the exact same meal hundreds and hundreds of times- maybe even thousands. Fed is best and all that.

At 17, they look exactly like their peers- fit, strong (big rugby player) and believe it or not, we can actually joke a bit about it all now.

best of luck.🍀

sounds like arfid- from experience you are wasting your time fighting it - he will eat what he can handle and no point starving him because believe me they would rather do without

Just let him be. He’s doing fine. His tastes will expand. We finally saw expansion around 11 and DS is still trying new things. He will get there and he’s eating fruit and veg even if in small quantities so I’d take that as a win. Yes meals are very boring to cook and I still only have a handful of meals we can all eat but it keeps improving! Good luck

@Lumenade so familiar to me! Even the microwave jasmine rice which is the only rice mine will eat. The only pasta is a specific spaghetti, sandwiches are tuna mayo or ham.