What is life like with a toddler and a newborn?

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People with 2 kids. Tell me what your life is like with a toddler (mine is 3) and a newborn. How much time do you and your partner (if you have one) take time for yourself etc. what does your life look like..is it all just logistical stuff or do you still have a good relationship with your partner?

Relentless

We had no time for ourselves or hobbies. It was work, children, housework and all over again.
Our relationship was fine.

Would this annoy you. Partner drops toddler at nursery and doesn’t start work until the afternoon and takes the whole 4/5 hours to himself at the gym etc while I’m at home with the newborn. Or is that just me?

You must have known he was an unengaged father from the first time around?

He was more interested the first time around…

It’s relentless and really hard. Your husband should be at home helping you. Also he should be letting you have some time off like he does. He sounds like a selfish prick and needs telling so.

I do get some time but much less than him and wouldn’t take all morning like that, as I feel responsibility to come back and see my kid

They don’t call it the trenches for nothing. My relationship with their dad did not survive.

it’s worth it in the end though ( toddler and baby and relationship ending)- a few years pain for years of reward.

I was ok and I was in my 40s at that. Toddler stage with the smallest and a brother 3 years older was the hardest so far. I have to say though, I work from home and it wouldn’t work for us otherwise. The house is chaotic. My partner works 6-7 days a week 12 hour shifts and still comes home, cooks, does stuff around the house.

That would annoy anyone.

That’s good you’re getting some time. But he should be feeling that responsibility too. We all need time to ourselves that’s natural but when it starts to breed resentment it’s not right. My kids have the same age differ as yours and I fully remember what it was like in those newborn days. It’s brutal. Get him told and get it all out before you blow your top. ❤️

I've found with men sometimes they just don't think of stuff - mental load and all that. You'll need to carve yourself some space. Book into a pilates class and tell him he needs to have the baby for a bit. Or hand him baby and say you need a nap. Or take baby to park and tell him he needs to sort the laundry.

Not the same but we did shared parental leave and I had to do this as husband was mostly drifting around saying he felt useless as he couldn't breastfeed.

This is what I end up doing but it doesn't solve much. It means DH gets all the good bits i.e. playtime, chill, whereas I get to do all the relentless boring shit when I do get back.

Think Mrs Doubtfire. I actually can never watch that film again as I will cry and divorce on the spot.

No advice OP, we have a 5 and 2 year old and my DH is on borrowed time.

It took a while but after consistently reminding him he did start to 'see' the stuff that needed doing and got more proactive and is way better now. I mean it's pathetic to have to train a man like you'd train a dog but needs must and if the alternatives are either suck it up or get a divorce and hope the next one comes pre-trained, it's kinda the easiest way.

I had a gap of 2.5 years between mine and I would say that was the minimum gap that was not too difficult. If your first DC is already 3, it should be easier still. Social life has to revolve around and involve the children though with occasional nights off for the parents. One day you will realise yay you don't need to go in soft play centres anymore 😎.

A good policy at weekends when out and about as a family is that one parent takes responsibility for each child so although together you can concentrate on the needs of mainly one child at a time.

We had 2 under 2, 18 month age gap, they are 2 and 8 months old now and honestly I would say life is good! It was far easier when I had a toddler & a newborn than it is now though😂 when my youngest was a newborn it was just boob sleep repeat for him, and most importantly I could put him down and him still be where I left him! Now he is crawling, pulling to stand, weaning, starting to play etc it is more chaotic but still good and I do love it. It’s full on at times but it is lovely.

My husband & I both take time for ourselves, for gym/running/bath/dinner with friends etc, I don’t count the hours but we both get around the same amount of time and no issues. That was not the case when my youngest was newborn because as great as my husband is he cannot breastfeed so its only the last few months where I’ve been able to really take a few hours knowing that he will be okay to wait for a feed or have actual food while I’m gone- no complaints, I chose to breastfeed both babies and this is just part of that. My husband has always constantly encouraged me to take whatever time possible to go relax, bathe etc.

We have a really good relationship, I’m genuinely so happy (despite being very tired still) and I think that is largely because I have never ever for a minute felt like I was doing this on my own, I feel loved, supported and I adore the life we have. I’d feel very different otherwise.

We have a 2 3/4yr old and a 6 week old. I have been an ‘accidental’ SAHM since my eldest was born, following a takeover at work which made it difficult for me to return and balance childcare - plus, my field pays terribly and financially it didn’t make sense.

Prior to our youngest arriving, I tried to do all housework etc in the day and then everything was very much 50/50 when DP got home. My toddler is chaos, and it was tough to keep on top of the house when he was awake! So we did most when he went to bed (late due to still napping).

Since our second arrived, DP has stepped up even more. We take it in turns and divide and conquer! I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and c section recovery so have just cracked on with the house etc.

Most of our friends have young children so we don’t do much in the evening (DP gets home around 6, walks the dog). He doesn’t like going out in the evening as he misses playtime and bedtime, which he has always loved doing! I did used to go out occasionally before second DS arrived.

Weekends - we had started to take it in turns to both have one on one time with elder DS and time with friends. Now, I have baby with me and he heads out with DS for one on one time or takes baby for an hour or so between feeds so I can have that time with DS1. I have had them both alone a couple of times so he could meet friends for a few hours. But he was always a call away, and met up with us afterwards with our friends who adore our children (his friends are child free).

We socialise with other couple friends with young children, together and separately. Our house is chaos and we often have visitors at the moment as he has created an amazing back garden play area.

I do miss ‘alone’ time and time do to hobbies (mine were outdoor sports/fitness based, his are more indoorsy so he can squeeze an hour in here and there). I have tried to start crafting again, but DS1 still naps half the time which means a late bedtime.

The house is chaos. I do have to ask him to pitch in sometimes - which he does, no question or fuss. By his own admission he has lower standards than I do. But we are on top of all day to day bits and I feel we have an equal divide.

He is an amazing partner (20yrs together) and father, and I feel incredibly grateful for him.

We went through this too. Someone recommended this blog and I ended up reading it one evening: https://littlegusto.com/blogs/blog/being-a-family-in-life-with-a-baby. It didn't magically fix anything, but it reminded me that my husband and I were on the same team and gave us a few ideas to reconnect. It might help you too if you're feeling overwhelmed. I think so many couples go through this stage. ❤️