Year 7 daughter being left out and how best to support her

[Happybunnymum]

I don’t really know where to start with this. Just looking for some support and advice from anyone who’s been in the same boat. 1 day left of year 7 and I feel my 12 year old daughter is going to be spending it alone. She walks to school on her own even though we live on a new build hosing estate, she plays sport and has team mates at the school and old friends from her primary, yet when we ask her about going out after school with friends no one wants to go out out with her. I’ve seen her message and ask them and they all say maybe or I’m busy, then go out with other friends. I think she has the ability to rub people up the wrong way a bit, and I suspect she has a few mild ADHD tendencies. I’ve always thought they were mild/just part of her personality, so have never progressed anything with drs or school, now I’m wondering if we should’ve.

she can make friends as has other friends away from her school, but I’m just really struggling with knowing how to support her and how to gently guide her to maybe adjust her ways a bit. It’s such a difficult age for them trying to know where they fit in. I just feel so sorry for her walking on her own, not going out and having the whole summer off school basically on her own. She’s too old for sports camps now

You haven’t said how she feels about this .. maybe it suits her?

You raise a good point. She has said she just wants to fit in and be part of the popular crowd, but they’re always falling out with each other. But she has said she feels excluded and not invited to anything

My DD declines invites to walk together because she wants the autonomy of getting herself to school on time. It’s nothing to do with friendship circles or exclusion.

Do you know any of the parents to arrange a few outings over the summer? I still message other parents about trips to the cinema or a day out. Anything that requires payment really.

We have a number of clubs that run up to age 16 and a group of my DD’s friends are all doing one together (with her). What I’m trying to say is there are solutions out there for these issues. If you’re hoping she’ll be invited to hang out, it won’t ‘just’ happen.

Alternatively, focus on the friendships that are mutual outside of the school environment. The key thing you should be concentrating on is to make sure your child doesn’t spend the majority of the holidays alone.

Thanks for replying, yeah she’s generally pretty happy walking on her own probably for the reasons youve mentioned. But I worry friendships are forming without her in them and she’ll have no one to hang out with over summer. She changed schools year 5 so I don’t overly know a lot of the mums from primary as the kids were mostly independent/they now do stuff independently, organise amongst themselves and ask parents for lifts etc

the older kids clubs is a good shout though

The truth is you have very little control over this. I know that's really hard. I would get through today and then concentrate on hanging out with her if you can over the holidays, meeting family, doing things that boost her confidence.

If you think she has a ND there are social groups you can join without diagnosis that might help, if she wants to do that. Clubs associated with things that really interest her might be good too. But ultimately you worrying about it and treating it as a huge problem just draws attention to it so letting her relax about it over the holidays is important too.

The obvious response is to fill the summer anyway.

are you going away as a family?
does she have siblings or cousins?

I always found the friends were often away in the summer anyway so even though my kids had a few friends if they were away the first two weeks and we were away the last two there wasn’t much time left with both around.

i used to do a few days with both sets of grandparents, a PGL week that they chose, two weeks away as a family and a few day trips and that pretty much fills it up.

obviously you need money/family to do this.

Yes away for ten days at the end of August. No cousins nearby sadly. I’ve booked some days off to plan some day trips with her x