Struggling with my 13-year-old's behaviour and setting boundaries at home

[Keeharbunny]

My Son is 13..14 in 4 months and I'm really struggling with his behaviour. I have no idea what I'm doing. He's started shouting at me to stop talking everytime I try and ask him to do things like, come of the PC when times up, turn off the telly and get to bed, wake up for school. He repeats 'wait' over and over and when I try and talk to him about how it's time to do xyz he just tells me to stop talking. I got so angry yesterday I threatened to switch off the PC, he switched it off, stormed upstairs and trashed his room. He didn't break anything just pulled everything out and off and on the floor. I said there was no PC or phone until it was cleaned up which he did today after school. Now he's being rude again as It's bedtime and again he's shouting at me to stop talking and to wait (I wait but waiting doesn't end). He's now not going to get his phone and PC again tomorrow. What am I doing wrong? He always apologies and we cuddle but then literally the same day he can be a pain again.

My childhood was chaotic and troubled so I don't really have any experience with healthy teen/parent relationships 😕

Very hard. I assume that his dad does not live with you.

Teenagers test boundaries.

I think that if you are a single parent you need to work on him appreciating his responsibilities to you as his main carer. If he is growing up as the man in the house (in the absence of anyone else) then he needs to appreciate that that role comes with responsibility too

How do I do this?

Sounds like you are doing the right things OP. You say he knows when to come off, do you give him a ten and five minute warning? Mine went through something like this, the games don’t help as they often can’t just ‘save’ where they are at. I did the same as you and turned off the WiFi if he got shouty or rude. They say ‘strike while the irons cold’ - could you have a frank chat with him at a time when he’s calm and tell him how it makes you feel? My son came out the other side (with some negotiation and a lot of humour) but at 13/14 the testosterone is charging up and they are all over the place with emotions. You are absolutely right to tackle it now. As I say, it sounds like you are doing a good job, maybe you just need some reassurance to get through

No he isnt the 'man of the house' what a thing to put on a child and a recipe for a controlling domineering relationship he would have with his mother

Mum needs to parent

Get him to write out what he thinks are appropriate rules/times/curfews, get him to invest in the plan, his choice but it has to be negotiated and reasonable. What sanctions does he think are appropriate for poor behaviour, what does he understand by 'poor behaviour'

That discussion may open up an idea of whether he is just being difficult because hes a teen or he really doesnt understand what is normal and reasonable for a child of his age.

Continue being no nonsense about removing things if he doesn’t behave respectfully. He has got to learn there are consequences to how we choose to behave in life. Explain you do not want rudeness or aggression in your home, and won’t tolerate it. Nobody has the right to shout out you, it’s not obligatory for teens to do so…I’ve had four and none of them have shouted at me.

Shouting and rudeness simply not allowed. Sanctions every time.

Talk to him about what he thinks is reasonable game time and see if there is a compromise.

These games are so addictive it is hard to tear yourself away.

What else does he do out of school? ... sport? Musical instrument? Scouts?

My DS was horrible at this age for a couple of years. Just had to keep telling him you can’t say that it’s rude and not socially acceptable. We ended up sort of living around him till one day he was fine again. I put it down to hormones. Luckily he did well at school and is doing well at uni now. He didn’t get involved with a dodgy group of friends or serious drugs or anything so I was grateful for that at least.

When you have the make up time and a cuddle- agree on a time to talk and listen too. Tell him you’d like him to come up with some suggested times and ideas for how long he should be gaming for and the tasks he should be doing in the house etc and take it from there. Speak about respect being two-way and that you will respect him and listen to his ideas but you are the adult and have the right to make the final decisions and he needs to show you respect too. Make a rule that you and he don’t shout. Talk and model good communication for him and be respectful in your tone and language to him and expect goodness back.

One thing I did that helped was get him to choose a film that we could watch together to just hang out and laugh and chat as a family when he was up for doing that.

Is it a particular game? Noticed my kids were far worse after specific games and these were banned in the end.

I’m quite strict, don’t take any shit but I’m a really good communicator so was able to diffuse situations and try and talk them through and work out what was going on his head. Other times I just walked away into another room.