Lost my temper with DD over money stress before her trip

[Pinkandpurplehairedlady]

I just had a row with DD 16 where I lost temper, shouted and went outside to calm down slamming the door behind me and saying I couldn’t deal with her right now and feel awful.

DD is going on World Challenge on Tuesday and it’s been a real struggle to pay for it (she raised quite a bit herself but I still had to pay for half). Her dad stopped paying child support so it’s all been on me. Her vaccinations cost more than I thought and I’ve just bought the last of the bits she needs and it’s wiped me out. DD was going to pay for them herself but hasn’t been able to work due to having surgery on her big toe.

The argument started because she was complaining I hadn’t got her normal shampoo and conditioner which is expensive and I told her that the one I bought was perfectly acceptable and to stop complaining. She argued back and I lost it.

I’m going on holiday with her brother on Wednesday (I booked it last year and paid it off monthly) and luckily it’s AI as I have £100 left to my name until payday next Thursday and I’m so stressed by it all and I guess I took it out on DD.

How do I handle it with DD? I very very rarely lose my temper and now I don’t know what to do.

Sorry for the essay!

It is too late now, but saying no to World Challenge was an option. Most children don't go.

They don’t realise how lucky they are. It’s very hard to teach gratitude in a world where there is so much available to them so easily. Hopefully World Challenge will sort her out!

Just go and say most of what’s you’ve said to us here. She’s 16. Old enough to understand that for many reasons you’re stressed right now and money is very tight. You’re sorry you lost your temper and it wasn’t really about her but you need to have no more winging about what you’ve spent on her.

What do you mean how do you handle it? She is 16, not 6. She’s old enough to take a telling, especially when being really rude and ungrateful. I’d be going back and calmly telling her that the trip cost had overwhelmed me, I’m doing the best I can to manage to pay for it but simply didn’t have the money for expensive products and extras so her rude behaviour over the shampoo was completely unacceptable and she needs to show some more gratitude and maturity.

Your holiday though - even AI costs money. Airport transfers and anything extra off site. Going on holiday with only £100 to your name is really irresponsible.

I would say sorry for losing your temper, it isn't the way to deal with problems, but I think it's fair enough for her to know that it has been a struggle and it is not on to argue back when you have explained why she can't have her normal shampoo. Ideally she would apologise to you too and you can both feel better, but she might not have the emotional maturity for that yet!

@Skippythemeh OP gets paid the day after she goes.

Your daughter is 16, not 6 and perfectly capable of knowing and understanding the family finances.

You firstly apologise for losing your temper and you explain that you are extremely stressed over money. You then sit her down and explain the situation to her.

You have scrimped and saved to pay half towards your daughter's World Challenge. I doubt she understands the impact that has had on the family finances.

Most children don't do these expensive trips, so your daughter is extremely lucky you've been dedicated enough to save the money.

My advice to you, is as much as it's an amazing experience for your daughter, the reality is, you couldn't really afford to pay half, without stretching yourself too far. Next time say No, and explain you can't afford it. Yes, your daughter might be disappointed but she'll get over it.

You apologise for your outburst then have an honest conversation about finances.

my df is a single mum and her youngest is going to Borneo with school next year because she feels guilty. It’s on credit card so is debt. She was stressed and telling me about it and I pointed out that my dtds wanted to go to Tanzania with school but family finances couldn’t support it so I said no and that was that. You need to learn that it’s okay to say no!

Just say sorry for loosing your temper, you are just stressed about money as you don’t have any, but you shouldn’t have stormed off.

And then move on, it’s not that big of a deal.

You need to actually start calmly telling her the reality about finances, not fine detail but bigger brushstrokes of it so she gets the gist. Explain that there are consequences to you having stretched yourself as much as you have for her trip, that you are telling her not to guilt her but because she needs to realise this. She will grow from this opportunity, of learning appreciation and money truths.

All of the above, but please remember the trip is a big deal for her. She is likely to be anxious about several aspects if it.

As someone else said I get paid the day after we arrive and all transfers are booked and paid for so there shouldn’t be anything else to pay for the first day.

Why don't you go after her father for child support? What do you mean he's 'stopped paying'?

Yes, but also her father needs to pay his share.

Thank you everyone. I’ve spoken to DD and explained why I was angry and given her a brief overview of my finances so she understands it a bit better.

When we signed her up for the trip her dad had agreed to contribute too but he stopped paying child support and didn’t put anything towards it. With him paying his fair share it was doable but I didn’t foresee him going back on his promise as up until recently he’s never quibbled about money.

To the poster who said DD was probably stressed about the trip - thank you. It made me look at things from her perspective a bit more.

She will be away from tuesday. Stay calm.
She will learn and grow.
Enjoy your holiday

Personally I would anything. You've said you piece.
At 16 a few harsh home truths aren't going to scar her.
Ds1 went through an entitled phase and he got told to bloody well pipe down!

Sorry, are we not allowed to lose our tempers with ungrateful 16 year olds now?

Even though it is AI there may still be some local charges at the hotel? If money is tight generally, it would probably be a good idea to swing by the Reception desk every day or so and pay off any extra charges as you go. It will be much easier to query anything within 24 hours (while you can remember what on earth you had/ordered!) rather than on a bill at the end.

How did she respond to your explanation? Did she apologise? Was any of that new to her @Pinkandpurplehairedlady ?

No tourist tax payable on the day you arrive?

Hold on. At 16 she paid for a significant part of it - so she was probably stressed about doing that (huge well done to her!). It’s not her fault you over stretched yourself - yes of course she could have been better behaved but it really doesn’t seem like she’s been a spoilt brat.