Ten-year-old daughter controlling home life and refusing to sleep alone

[Pinkygurl79]

I’m desperately seeking some help/advice from any parent who has experienced similar with their child. To put it bluntly my dd age 10, controls my life & I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s being going on for a number of years probably since she was 5 years old; I separated from her father around that time. The main problem which is really getting me down is bedtimes. She refuses to sleep in her own bed/bedroom & is in my bed every night that she’s with me, (i coparent with her father 50/50). I have hold her hand & cuddle her to sleep & I can’t ‘put her to bed’ & then go back downstairs to have a bit of an evening to myself, watch tv or anything else, otherwise she wakes up & screams out for me. So I end up laying next to her in the dark for what seems like forever, until she’s asleep. I can’t have anyone round the house, friends, even my mum as she doesn’t like it & creates a massive scene. If I get a text or phone-call she’s there next to me straight away, checking who it is, watching what what I’m typing. I can’t go out as she won’t stay with anyone but me. She goes through my bedside drawers/clothes/makeup anything, literally nothing is sacred/private. I do have a partner who I have tried in vain to very slowly introduce last couple of years (we’ve been together 4 years) she hates him, on the odd occasion I have invited him over when she’s here to try & see if I cud get her to maybe warm to him, she screams/swears at him, says she’ll never ever spk to him or want him anywhere near her or in ‘her’ house. I can’t mention his name in her presence, she once saw a birthday card he got me on the side & she ripped it up & she’s thrown flowers frm him to me, in the bin. If we’re out & about, I can’t have a conversation with anyone without her constantly interrupting/not leaving my side or she’ll act silly/have a tantrum to get my attention. I just don’t know why she like this. I am a loving, giving, nurturing, fun mother, my kids are my priority always, she has a brother age 8 (same father) who is absolutely nothing like her. They certainly don’t lack for my love & attention, anyone I know, friends/family agree with me & don’t understand why she is like this.
She’s bright, popular at school, no SEND issues, always has lots of play dates/sleepovers with her friends, she has lots of hobbies/interests which i wholeheartedly support/encourage with enthusiasm.
i have her friends over to our house all the time & she’s absolutely fine then… it’s almost like she can do/go wherever/whatever she wants but it’s a totally different story the other way around. I just don’t get it, I’ve tried to talk to her & find out why she’s like this… I hoped maybe it was a phase that would pass, but no, just seems to be getting worse. I don’t know whether professional help/counselling would help. I did take her once & she ran out the room & absolutely refused to talk or engage. I almost feel trapped/scared of her, which I am ashamed to admit.
i feel it’s my fault as I’ve let her control me & not persisted in the way I should have perhaps. Her tantrums/meltdowns when she doesn’t like something I’m doing are obscene, she shouts, screams, cries hysterically, through things at me, not to mention hits/punches me, destroys her bedroom & says things like she’ll jump out the window. It’s all totally over the top dramatics but I just can’t cope with it so I’ve let her rule me, in the ways I’ve described above.
please if anyone has experienced anything similar or can offer some words of wisdom/advice I’d greatly appreciate it! 🙏🏻 Thanku x

She will definitely eventually grow out of wanting to share a bed with you but it sounds like that is not really the main issue.
How does she behave with her DF, if she is there 50:50?

I think you should take her to a therapist of some type. Maybe privately. I think one that specialises in DBT might be most appropriate.

She is similar with him although not quite so badly behaved or controlling. She was sleeping in his bed too until recently as he now sleeps on a pullout bed in her room in an effort to try to get her back into her own room/bed. He does not have a gf/partner & hasn’t since we split up, as far as I’m aware.

in my experience those kind of behaviours can be a sign of extreme anxiety, but agree she needs to see someone about this.

You need to get some help for her. Did she have any of these issues before you and her dad split up?

So thinking back, there is probably more to this I should mention… her dad & I had a very explosive/tempestuous relationship. I also suffered severe pnd after her younger brother was born. She was obviously very young at time, age 2.5 but she probably did witness some unpleasant arguments between her father & I. I do wonder if her behaviour all stems frm that

Getting a psychiatrist would be good if you can, but hard on NHS and expensive privately.

I would get a pul out for her room like her father has and talk with him so you can coordinate her slowly moving to sleeping on her own.

And stop letting her control things. Sit her down and tell her it's not a good way for her to live her life. Remind her you love her and that everything will be okay even if she doesn't know exactly what you say to other people and even if you have friends round, etc. But you need privacy, friends and a life too, and that doesn't stop when she's there. She's your priority but not the whole of your life and you aren't the whole of hers.

Then stop letting her read your texts. Let her tantrum. Send her to her room or whatever you need to do so you can text back without her looking over your shoulder. Ask your mum or a good friend who will be understanding, round and let DC tantrum, but send her to her room to do it.

After you've done the thing she hates, give her a little space to calm down and then d something she likes with her at least the first few times, then from time to time after. Chat with her each evening before bed and remind her how much you love her and talk about what you're going to do together the next day as reassurance.

It's really important not to give in to children's controlling behaviour. It heightens their anxiety over all, it doesn't diminish it. So stop doing it so she gets to experience that life is fine even when she isn't in control.

(I wouldn't try to introduce the partner, though. That's bringing someone into her life, not just having your a BF of your own. See him when she's with her Dad, text him from time to time when she's with you. But don't make moves to try and get her to accept him as anything other than peripheral until she's in a much better place.).

You say she had no SEN issues, does that mean that she’s already been assessed for ND?

She does seem quiet young for her age, how does she do on this simple progress checker?

She is probably extremely anxious and scared of any change.

if you want to ‘test’ if it’s behavioral, you could always give her lots of warning about having a visitor (start with your mum, then a friend, then work up to your boyfriend) and the behaviour expected of her. Have the visitor come for just a quick coffee. Then she earns a star. When she gets enough starts she can invite her own friend over for play date or treat day out.
this shows that you both like to have friends over but this is a privilege and she needs to act nicely to your guests to be allowed her own.

Has she had any support following the break up? Anything like DBT or art therapy?