Regretting husband's vasectomy and wondering if anyone has faced this

[SnappyTiger]

I have approached my husband about a 3rd baby even though he has had a vasectomy. We currently have 2 children aged 3 and 5 and he had his vasectomy a year after our youngest was born. I now regret it and thinking back I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to decide whether I wanted more children or not as I was sleep deprived and busy with 2 very young children. At first he was a straight no when I approached him but it's actually really affected me more than I thought. I decided to send him an email with all my thoughts and feelings and he said he has read it and needs some time to think and will let me know when he is ready to talk. I can't help but feel he is just going to say the same as he said before but he wants me to think he's had time to consider when really it's just going to be a no. I am looking for anyone who has been in a similar boat and before anyone tells me how lucky and grateful I should be for my current two children- I absolutely am and couldn't be happier with them but I just feel incomplete.

If you don’t understand the point don’t comment. Nobody is gonna take the time to explain the bleeding obvious to you.

Someone above listed a lot of things like hotel rooms, school plays and theme parks was one of them.

The world is set up for 2 adults and 2 children. We stopped at 2 because I am one of 3, roll out beds for hotel rooms, no one parent with each child on rides, my sister always sat with some random stranger, we have photos.

@Idintlikefridays obviously you do not decide on your family size based on theme park visits. That was just an example to point out that logistics with 3 is much harder than 2. It’s beneficial to read between the lines sometimes

Oh my dear, you are not alone. I don’t know you or your situation personally but I have nearly the exact situation as you. I am in my early 30s and the thought came across my mind back in April and I asked my husband to see if a conversation would still be on the table. For context, we have two girls that are 17 months apart who are now 7.5 and 9 yrs old and my spouse and I have a larger age gap. He had a vasectomy after our second one since both of the girls were so close in age, we were exhausted. We couldn’t fathom the idea of another at the time. During our discussion recently, he expressed that if I thought I would have wanted another, he wouldn’t have gone through with the procedure. We spoke about reversal, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. But, he pretty much shut it down. Again, he is older than I and is done with having children and wants to enjoy life now that the girls are more independent. He said when our youngest was 3 or 4 he wouldn’t have minded starting over but that wasn’t a good time in our life as far as stress, my Masters degree program etc. I am now making way more money and feel that we are in a better place to afford another one. Like you, I feel like I’m grieving a person who doesn’t even exist and he wants me to enjoy what we have now. I don’t want to hold it against him, but I know I’ll have a hole in my heart that won’t be filled. I would have paid for the reversal myself but he is dead set on no. I won’t press the issue again. I hope that whatever your decision point comes to that you find peace in whatever that may be.

So because you've changed your mind, you want your husband to go through invasive surgery again even though it might not work?

Unless your DH says he regrets the vasectomy and is willing to have it reversed without further prompting, I wouldn’t be saying anything. If you feel incomplete then counselling may help make those adjustments. Even if you had a smooth time with your existing two children, your third child may be a very different experience.

I wouldn’t be asking anyone to undergo an invasive procedure unless it’s something they absolutely want for themselves.

"It was a joint decision and if I dare say it (cue all the hate and judgment coming my way) I was really pushing for him to have it done because I really struggled on the pill and have done fot years and I wanted to be free of those hormones. However I've now educated myself around"

I am confused why, in the very same post, you then say, you just" went along with it" and will "resent him" for not having children.

It's a big step he took partly for your benefit. It's very common for posters on here to say they have had enough of damage to their bodies and side effects of hormones so it is time for their husbands to step up. He did so

You now change your mind and set out "your feelings" and want him to attempt a reversal which has a very very low chance of success, then imply he is to blame if you don't have a third.

I can't imagine how he feels about this......

Is this a troll post?

Thanks for sharing.

How have you come to terms with this?

People tend to post for support or advice not judgement.

Thanks for sharing.

How did you come to terms with this?

When they are 16 and 18 you will likely be very glad you stopped at 2. People don’t think about the other end of parenting. The teen years clashing with peri when you lose interest in caring. The vast levels of emotional and financial support this generation seem to require if you are doing it properly.. The worry about them establishing themselves in a difficult world getting jobs etc. Needing to live at home due to the economy.

Friends with 3 are flagging. We frequently say thank god we don’t have to do all this again. And ours are relatively lovely.

Im not sure I’ve really come to terms with it. It still feels like a grieving process. He knows how I feel and that I may probably carry this for a while or however long it takes to grieve this. I still want us to grow older together and couldn’t imagine leaving just because we couldn’t have a third. I just know that I won’t ever get to experience the journey again and that hurts. The first 5 years goes by so quickly and I miss it already. He reminds me that I’ll someday be busy with grandchildren (that doesn’t make me feel better). So it’s just been one day at a time.

You haven't talked much about your husbands viewpoint other than he's having a think. Let's say he changes his mind but really only to appease you, will you still go ahead with a 3rd child? And as he starts to resent you, and maybe this child, for the lifestyle he didn't want? Doesn't seem worth it to me. Be happy with your lot.

This isn't exclusive to not having a third (not suggesting anyone thinks it is), just highlighting that people can feel like it after any number, it doesn't make it a reason to keep having more

"People tend to post for support or advice not judgement."

Then my advice is accept you will only have 2 children and you just as much agency as your husband and reflect on the fact that you pushed him to have a vasectomy.

Then apologise for guilt tripping him about it.

You just have to weigh up what you want more, the idea of maybe having a 3rd child or your current family.
You married someone who wanted 2 children, it seems like you told him you wanted that too, you pushed for the snip and now quite last minute you have changed your mind so it’s okay for him to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under him and not be changing his mind.
Personally I think it’s biological and many women will always wistfully think of one more than they have, but that doesn’t mean it’s always in the family’s best interest.

Sorry but I don’t quite understand the point you were trying to make. The situation of the original post is about having a third child. Of course anyone can feel that after any number of children if wanting another. Also, I never mentioned in my post that that was a sole reason of wanting another child.

I think you would benefit from counselling on this so as to come to terms with your current situation. On this topic you can't really discuss it with your DH unless you are 100% sure it won't come across as emotional blackmail.

It would be very unfair to try to manipulate your DH into painful invasive surgery in pursuit of a third child he doesn't want.

Try to make the best of what you have without resentment or the alternative will be for you to leave and seek what you want elsewhere.

It's very difficult to want more children than your partner.
I had always wanted 2 and its only after having children that the desire to have a third appeared. I just love my kids and parenting so much, they are such joys and so much fun. But I am absolutely exhausted and our house is a state.
My husband was on board with 2 but he was also happy with just 1 so we waited longer than planned to have the second until he felt fully ready.
It would be similar for him if I turned around and wanted 3 now, not what he signed up for basically, not what we'd agreed previously.
Are you surrounded by families with 3 kids? I think that makes it hard too..
My husband was planning a vasectomy anyway because I don't want to go back on hormonal birth control but now I know its essential because if we accidentally got pregnant, it would break us, I would want to keep it and he wouldn't.
For me the main reason I know realistically we can't have a third is because there's just no time for myself, barely any time for my husband and I as a couple and it never feels like enough time for my kids either. I can't get more time, so I think we'd all suffer if we were splitting our attention further, even as our kids get older and more independent, I want to be able to have time for them and for myself, if we have another that would be so much more difficult.
Financially it would be tight but manageable, but I'm trying to focus on the future, we're putting money into savings for our children to support them in big life moments in the future, we probably wouldn't be able to do that if we had a third.
My 1 y/o is very attached to me still, its a lot, so I'm trying to look to the positives of the future, when I'll have time to have hobbies and date nights and still be there for my kids all the times they need me. I don't want my life to be constantly rushed and chaotic and I think 2 kids is the max for us if we ever want to achieve some semblance of calm!
But yeah biologically, in a way that I can't really explain, I would love a third child.