Teacher called after my seven-year-old asked a very upsetting question

[Woewyd]

I’ve just had a phonecall from my child’s teacher to inform me that today at school they asked their table to put up hand their if they wanted xxxxxx to die? Wwyd. They are 7.

I have asked if anything happened or had been said before they asked this question of their table, no. I asked what on earth possessed them to ask such a question, don’t know. Had a chat about how that would make someone feel, how unkind it is etc etc. There was remorse, my child was upset but I feel so disappointed and unsure as to whether I should do anything more.

Kid's say and do horrible things to each other- that's a fact! It's a scenario that's repeated all over the world, in every classroom in every school. It's happened since the dawn of time and will continue to happen in the future.

The fact that it has always happened and still continues despite school's and parent's best efforts to constantly talk about kindness, inclusion, mental health, empathy, etc.etc. tells me one thing: it's normal, it's part of human nature and child development, and without some conflict, and exposure to unkind acts and words children would not grow up into adults that can cope in society.

They are developing resilience, learning how to negotiate friendships, develop relationships etc. Even those that might be inclined to bully others are learning the consequences of that and perhaps will come to realise it's not the best way. They are children, they learn through trying things out and discovering for themselves more than from what adults say.

The fact that many of us remember unkind things said and done by children in our own childhood shows that you learned a lot from that interaction. If you skipped through childhood having never witnessed bullying, or only ever saw kindness then you would not be equipped to enter an adult world.

Well if an adult is traumatised by a 7 year old saying something daft, then we are basically stuffed.

And it is daft.

It’s not daft when said adult was around 7 year olds at the same time another seven year old said something nasty. Massively different from an adult hearing that from a seven year old 🙄

I was quite fortunate not to have been bullied or had anything really cruel or spiteful said to me at that age, but some teens/adults have and it does affect them.

If you’ve not encountered anyone in real life like that you only need to read the posts on here to hear from adults affected by things their classmates have said in childhood. There was a whole thread about it not that long ago.

Try to have a bit more empathy and compassion and realise people are all individuals and react differently.

Especially given you don’t know everyone’s background or history . I used to work with various kids who had been abused, or neglected at home or suffered a trauma early on such as sibling loss etc.

I’d imagine for those kids (as well as others), their peers doing something like that would be particularly triggering.

For the love of God, if you scarred for life by a 7 year old saying something unkind, how will you cope in a State Secondary school?

I dont know why "state" secondary? The bitchiest girls i have ever come across were in private schools.

It is the fact it is said to a 7 year old that is significant, the age of tbe person saying it much less so!

It's all context dependent. If it is a one-off, it's more a chat around unkind behaviours and a very open chat about bullying and what that looks like. Bullying is a consistent pattern of behaviour, not a kid acting up in class in front of everyone as a one off. We don't know the context of this situation. If your child has been bullying another child, the consequences should be worse. Part of growing up is learning to navigate social situations. There is not a child alive who hasn't showed off in front of their friends, made another kid feel bad, or said something mean without thinking. Most children still thankfully grow up to be kind members of society! We can't judge children saying things like this by the same standards we would adults. That's not to say we shouldn't take it seriously ofc.

Also, people saying a 7 year old understands the gravity of a death are being ridiculous. Yes, children that age can understand permanence, but they will absolutely not comprehend grief and loss in the way we do as adults (unless perhaps they have lost someone very close such as a parent!).

You need to be very blunt with your child that this was a horrible thing to do.

Ask her how she would feel if someone had done this to her?

She is seven, old enough to realise that other people have feelings and that she crossed a major line.

Even worse, she dragged or tried to drag other children across it too.

That is a big pile of hooey.

It is the duty of parents and schools to protect children from each other and to teach them to be kind and respectful, not to shrug and let them be as nasty as they like, especially on grounds that they need to grow a thick skin to survive adulthood.

I agree 100%.

I can't believe there are so many posters here who see this as normal or excusable. It's like a parallel universe.

What this child did was indeed cruel, and it was bullying of the worst sort. It makes absolutely no difference that a seven year old doesn't have an adult grasp of the concept of death. She clearly understood that wishing someone dead was a way to express dislike, to exclude, and to hurt.

Yes it sounds terrible but I’ve seen them play this game. They get caught up thinking of what to say next. This has overstepped the mark. Teacher has phoned. It’s what you’d expect.

I think that poster is being deliberately obtuse. I’ve tried explaining it to them but really it doesn’t need explaining.

Anyone who can’t conceive that hurtful actions/words like that do can do long term damage to a 7 year old lacks empathy and common sense.

Exactly. It’s actually disgusting and very strange that some are trying to downplay this!

I imagine the ones downplaying it are probably the kind of people who said very ugly things to their peers in schools and/or minimise cruel things their children are doing to others. I am not saying I was a perfect angel in school, but I knew some things were off limit to say.

We had a family friend who after several years of bullying and ostracisation died by suicide at age 14. I was 8 when she died and remember how sad I was when I heard the news.

Some kids are very aware of what death means. So even if for arguments sake we go with the kid wishing death on another doesn’t fully understand the concept of death, the kid who is the target of it may understand and be impacted severely by it.

And either way I agree they clearly still knew they were expressing open dislike for someone and encouraging others to do so as well, which yeah is clearly bullying behaviour.

Bullying is by definition repeated conduct, without any indication this is repeated we can't know it was bullying. And we do not know the context. We don't even know as far as I can see whether classmate xxxx was in a position to overhear the comment. Whether the comment was a response to xxxx's own bullying conduct. Whether xxxx was part of the group playing an escalating stupid comments game. Whether it was a one off bizarre comment out of the blue. You would hope the teacher would have told OP if there had been previous incidents so I would incline to assume not bullying but a one off stupidity.

OP has done the right thing having a serious talk with her DC about the seriousness and unkindness. They seem to be contrite. I would personally be inclined to have asked some more open questions to try to find out if there's a wider problem between these kids, but that teacher did not report anything is a good sign, teacher knows the dynamic of the group best.

And then you wait and be vigilant.

Err...at what point did I say it should be ignored and allowed?