Teacher called after my seven-year-old asked a very upsetting question

[Woewyd]

I’ve just had a phonecall from my child’s teacher to inform me that today at school they asked their table to put up hand their if they wanted xxxxxx to die? Wwyd. They are 7.

I have asked if anything happened or had been said before they asked this question of their table, no. I asked what on earth possessed them to ask such a question, don’t know. Had a chat about how that would make someone feel, how unkind it is etc etc. There was remorse, my child was upset but I feel so disappointed and unsure as to whether I should do anything more.

Found one!

Agree, Not worried about OP but the family of the poor bullied child.

I agree. A 7 year old doesn't understand why this is such an awful thing to say. Just have a talk and move on.

And, as other posters have said, it's not the bit about dying that's the main issue. It's the DC trying to get all their classmates to gang up on XXX in public. Asking a question like that out loud, and trying to get classmates to join in - THAT is the bullying behaviour.

And 7 year olds are perfectly capable of doing that, and they know that what they are doing is wrong.

I think you're vastly underestimating 7 years olds. They absolutely do understand how hurtful this is which is why they said it in the first place.

You really need to tackle this head on. It’s pretty awful behaviour.

@Woewyd I don't think this is a big issue. Yes, your child said something upsetting, but every single one of us said stupid things as children.

The key thing is that your child was upset and showed remorse, which showed that they have normal emotions and human understanding. Far more disturbing would be if your child didn't understand what they had done wrong.

I'd have asked what the other DC did when your child said it. This would give an insight into motivation and context and help you to identify the best way to address it.
If all the DC put up their hands, this may mean the other child is very disliked. Or that there is a culture of unpleasantness lead by your child, or your child was just playing to the gallery. Then the conversation would be about appropriate responses to children you disliked, about bullying and/or being unkind for attention.
If the question met with disapproval and the other DC didn't join in, then your child is out of step with their peers either in terms of behaviour or relationship with the other child, which might need a different approach.

Literally the whole of England is on Easter holiday. Why are your kids in school??

Completely agree. I would be mortified if my son did that to another child and would be making an effort to have a chat with the parents and apologising on my sons behalf - as well as having a serious talk to him about bullying. I would also ask my child to apologise to the girl publicly in front of the same kids she was demoralised in front of. That poor child would have gone home very sad and confused about where she belongs in that friend group. Its crazy how some parents literally let this shit slide.

I wonder what sort of things kids say to each other day in day out.

It sounds silly.

Exactly

for me it’s not the content - it’s that the were trying to get a gang going against 1 child

When there’s bullying, surely the best possible thing that can happen is for the parent of the bully to ask for help?

Reacting to such a plea with “Your child is just a horrible bully” is definitely not going to help deal with the problem, and could even be considered quite bullying in itself.

I think you've pretty much done the right thing. Maybe an additional chat about bullying wouldn't go amiss and try to ascertain from your child if there's a bigger picture - thankfully the teacher seems to think it was a one off but your kid needs to know it can't be repeated.

No, they’re not. Mine don’t break up until Thursday.

I'm so sorry you have been through this.
I too was bullied myself throughout school due to undiagnosed autism.
I still relive the main bully telling me to take all my mum's tablets and kill myself as no-one would miss me.

I was just trying to reach out to the OP as she must have been upset to get that call.

Maybe my words were clumsy and I apologise if I upset you too.

What utter nonsense, do you know any 7yr olds?
I don't think I have encountered any 7yr old that could comprehend the finality of death

Does it matter the extent that 7 year olds understand death? If she'd said 'put your hand up if you want x to be off this table' or 'leave this school', would that be any better?

This is a blatant example of targeting one child and trying to enlist people onside against them. It's bullying.

Some people don't even live in England. Shocking, I know.

Teacher here…we don’t finish until Thursday! Also in Lincolnshire (which is near the OP in Rutland). This term has been LONG! 😖

It’s not nonsense. It might be your experience but it is not mine and it’s obviously not other. Mine had a very good understanding of death at that age.

It sounds bad, but try to hear her point of view. Is it really let's get everyone to say they wish xxx was dead because that'll be funny? Or could it be we wish xxx was dead because xxx keeps kicking my friend? Could it be we wish xxx was dead because xxx has meltdowns and throws chairs at the teacher and we all have to leave the classroom? (both situations that DC had to deal with in primary school)

It could be a child's misguided way of saying they wish xxx wasn't there, and there could be a reason they wish that. It's still not something they should be saying, but if there's a root cause then you may be able to help your DC deal with that in a better way.

I'd say some would, some might not. Some must have had pets or grandparents die at least?

Saying 7 year olds don't understand is just as sweeping a statement as insisting 7 years olds do.

It wouldn't be better. That's a different thing from attributing cognitive capabilities to young children that they just don't have. Can they understand they're being mean, yes. Can they intend to be mean, yes. Do they have full understanding of the consequences of being mean, of course they don't.

Mine don’t break up until Thursday.