Teacher called after my seven-year-old asked a very upsetting question

[Woewyd]

I’ve just had a phonecall from my child’s teacher to inform me that today at school they asked their table to put up hand their if they wanted xxxxxx to die? Wwyd. They are 7.

I have asked if anything happened or had been said before they asked this question of their table, no. I asked what on earth possessed them to ask such a question, don’t know. Had a chat about how that would make someone feel, how unkind it is etc etc. There was remorse, my child was upset but I feel so disappointed and unsure as to whether I should do anything more.

Kids have pets that die, grandparents that die. My 7 year old has unfortunately experienced both. So you can't make sweeping statements like that. A child of 7 year old knows full well that picking out one child to get a group to gang up on them is mean and bullying and if they don't know that then why haven't their parents taught them that?!? It's a lack of parental involvement in early child to child interactions that let's kids think that pushing, hitting and teasing are ok

Oh dear @MerseyChick. How embarrassing for you!

I’m still slogging away in my Year 3 class until Thursday 🤷‍♀️ Because, you know, some areas are still in! Weird right, some authorities have different holidays…who knew? 🤦‍♀️😬

I can see why schools get multiple emails complaining every day about bullying when clearly people have little understanding of what bullying is, or what 7 year olds do and say.

A one off incident like this is not bullying behaviour, bullying is when a child is targeted consistently and the behaviour is repeated over a period of time.

Seven is a very young age, they are still infants, I know for a fact that seven year olds do not understand fully the impact of their words, do not have fully formed concept of death, and are only just beginning to explore more the concept of friendship and relationships and how they fit into a social group themselves. Op's child will no doubt understand that her behaviour was not acceptable, that doesn't mean they're a bully.

The school have acted appropriately because the Ops child has behaved in an undesireable way and they are informing her so she can talk to her child about her behaviour and how it is not kind.

This is very common behaviour for young children and they need adults to reinforce and model good social skills, not vilify children and over-react with exaggerated shock.

I'd also say, don't get too hung up on the words. This sounds especially shocking because your child chose a very adult way of expressing themselves. If they'd have said 'hands up who wishes Sharon would be eaten by a monster' you'd see it as unkind, something to address, but probably not a sign of anything overly sinister. And at 7, the meaning behind it would be the same.

Teacher of many years, have seen this lots. At 7, children truly have no real concept of death. They know it’s something shocking and they say it to shock, but the actual meaning behind it is totally lost on them. Your daughter has however said it for a reason. She knew it would get a reaction and she wanted support from her classmates in what she was saying. This is NOT her ‘being a bully’ if it’s an isolated incident but I’d explore why she wanted to a) get a reaction and b) felt like she wanted people ‘on her side’. Have there been changes in friendships/ dynamics within the classroom, has there previously been a fallout, is your daughter finding something hard she feels anxious about and is worried her friends will find out and ostracise her for it - even the smallest things to us can see enormous at that age. The teacher was right to tell you so you can have the opportunity to check in with your daughter. It’s good you’ve reiterated it was an unkind thing to say, but it’s opened the door to make sure there isn’t a latent worry bubbling under the surface for her. I’d get her to write an apology note to ‘xxxxx’ and it’ll be water under the bridge between them. Sometimes children do just say strange things without rhyme or reason! But, all behaviour is communication and we need to listen :) don’t panic, all will be fine x

So no 7 years olds have experience of pets or grandparents dying? Righto.

I was even engaging in that debate, anyway. I'm saying that the understanding of death is immaterial and a red herring because some will understand death, some won't. The behaviour in iteself is bullying.

Literally it's not. Our village primary finishes on Thursday.

Scottish schools break up on Thursday afternoon

The OP isn't letting it slide, though.

I can see why schools get multiple emails complaining every day about bullying when clearly people have little understanding of what bullying is, or what 7 year olds do and say.

And yet the school rang the parent here...

I think it’s worth asking your child why she said it - could it be that this other child has been nasty to her and this was her unskilled way of trying to deal with that by getting people onside with her?
(Without putting those words in her mouth obviously - but she may need an opportunity to get things off her chest herself)

I was 7 when my sister died. Trust me, I understood how final death was at that age.

Most schools in Kent are still in this week , break up on Thursday

I have a 8 (just) year old, I attended a funeral yesterday and she understood completely what that meant as she spoke to me about its A person has died, they are not here anymore and won’t come back. I am going to the funeral to celebrate their life and remember them. I guess it varies from kid to kid.

My 4 year old on the other hand asked how long they’d be dead for and could they come to the funeral too 🤣

Understanding is definately varied.
My 7yr old definately doesn't, truly understand.
It was a mean thing to say from the kid, either way.

Agreed!

I'm truly sorry about that but when my dc lost their dad at that age we had to keep reminding them that dad wasn't ever coming home. I guess it depends on the kid.

I too was bullied myself throughout school due to undiagnosed autism

Quite a leap from a daft 7 year old following the crowd.

This is how I'd approach it.

When you asked your table to put their hand up if they wished xxxxx would die. Can you tell me what happened?

Do you know what it means when someone dies?

It means their body stops working and we can’t see them anymore. The people who love them feel really sad and miss them a lot.

It’s okay to feel really angry/ frustrated/ hurt sometimes, but we don’t wish for people to die.

When you feel like that, you could say things like I'm really angry with xxxxx or I don’t want to play with xxxx right now.

Its okay to have feelings but we need to learning better ways to say them.

Yeah you’ve done that, now don’t dwell on it.

I was at school in the 80s and 90s, and I remember all the disablist, racist, homophobic insults of the day. I don't recall an instance where any child tried to poll a class group about wanting another classmate dead, especially not in primary school. It seems so ... specific somehow.

Anyway, hopefully this is an extreme one-off and 'they' will be thoroughly chastened now.

I’m a teacher and I was at work today. Am I not meant to be? Do you think all schools across the country take their holidays all at the exact same time? 🙄

I never said/implied that it was not bullying behaviour because it absolutely is.
Death does not visit EVERY childs world at that age.
It did for my dc at that age

@Woewyd other than checking out what your child might be accessing online (if they have access to brain rot youtube or tiktok etc) then I wouldn't worry

Thanks for all your replies - some much more helpful than others as always 😊
Got the advice I came for, so logging off now. I won’t be posting, reading or replying to any further replies but feel free to continue chatting amongst yourselves!