Teacher called after my seven-year-old asked a very upsetting question

[Woewyd]

I’ve just had a phonecall from my child’s teacher to inform me that today at school they asked their table to put up hand their if they wanted xxxxxx to die? Wwyd. They are 7.

I have asked if anything happened or had been said before they asked this question of their table, no. I asked what on earth possessed them to ask such a question, don’t know. Had a chat about how that would make someone feel, how unkind it is etc etc. There was remorse, my child was upset but I feel so disappointed and unsure as to whether I should do anything more.

Oh my gosh - go away - stop
derailing the thread

So your dd is trying to bully another child. So deal with it. How are things at home? Do you know this other child?

And how is that supposed to help the OP, exactly? She is asking for advice. Are you suggesting that she should just write off her child as a bully at 7 and leave it at that?

OP, it sounds like you've had a conversation with your child already about why they said that and how it might feel to be the other child etc. And you've said that there was at least some remorse, so that's good.

Personally, I wouldn't go down the route of punishing them for what they said, but I would ensure that they knew I was upset and disappointed by their behaviour because of the hurt that they might have caused to the other child.

I think I would be inclined to revisit the conversation. Tell them that you have been thinking about what happened and that you're sure your dc must know something about why they said what they did. Did they think it was funny? Were they trying to hurt the other child? I don't think I would allow "don't know" as an answer - I would want to push quite hard to try and get to the bottom of the situation and to talk a bit more about what led to the incident.

I might also have a chat with the school to find out what dc's behaviour was like in general, and more about their relationship with the child in question, whether they had any insights into the situation etc. And I would ask to be told about any further incidents or issues involving my dc, no matter how small.

Finally, I would keep an open mind. It might indeed be that your child was bullying the other dc, and you should therefore be vigilant for any signs of further bullying behaviour. On the other hand, it might be that your child has been on the receiving end of bullying from the other child, and that this was a rather misjudged attempt at fighting back.

Was x at the table? If not, could x hear it?

If my child came home saying another child had done that, I would be horrified. So nasty.

This is the kind of thing I would have come down on, hard, as a parent. I would have made mine write an apology to the child.

I won't have Queen Bee behaviour.

Why is this a question? All my nieces and nephews in Scotland are at school this week.

What? As another primary school teacher, i beg to differ!
Of course a 7 year old understands what death is!
Your child was being very unkind and her actions designed to cause maximum upset. Our school would be taking this very seriously.

I'm impressed that the teacher acted on such a question.

Hmmm, this all depends on your child and the other child.
My child (8) has a very real understanding of death and the finality of it sadly. There is another girl in her class who repeatedly targets my DD and mocks her for getting upset when certain triggering topics are mentioned in class.
So, does your child understand what they said? And did they choose that particular child because that child has had something traumatic happen to them? Children aren’t that random, something caused your child to say that.

I’d ask your child’s teacher to keep an eye on it and to inform you of any other incidents.

They may not have much of an understanding of death, but it's highly likely they understood that asking who wants a named child in their class to die is likely to be very upsetting for that child. It's nothing less than bullying.

If the question had been "Who wants President Trump to die" or some other public figure, I would give the argument that they don't understand what they are literally asking more credit.

I agree with this. I am around children a lot in my job and we would absolutely not just write this off as one of those things that children say.

I feel like yes it warrants a conversation but I don’t think it’s that deep, I doubt a 7 year old really understands what they said. I would speak to them about being unkind to their friend but the death part I think sounds worse to us as adults. I can remember similar things getting said when I was a kid

They knew saying it was nasty and unkind.

I'd be thankful they rang and discussed it with you and very disappointed if my husband thought it wasn't significant. 7 year olds absolutely know death is final and the fact they involved other classmates in trying to bully this child is concerning behaviour.

I would be coming down quite hard on my child had they done this, I would be insisting they wrote an apology to the child in question. I would also be keeping a close eye on the situation as I wouldn't be surprised to learn it wasn't the first time they had been unkind towards other classmates. These things rarely come out of the blue without further context.

Our schools break up on Thursday.

The death bit is not the key bit. Trying to get a table to unite in dislike of another pupil is what matters.

What kind of they? Boy or girl?

Not wanting to gender stereotype but boys are known to ask random silly provocative question.

It's sort of a non issue imo unless there are other worrying things going on.

Don't make a big deal just speak to your ds or dd and talk about hat they think death is, what they have heard, that some people believe this that or other about death and that it's nice to focus on life while we live. No drama please.

Spaak to 'them'? You said it was your child, not children.

Just saw this, that's a different situation, your child said something very hateful. Does your child not like the poor kid?

That would have serious consequences as well as fining out what the hell they thought the child was getting at.

Your child must apologise to the other kid and needs support to develop empathy. Scary.

Mine are still are school too. They break up on Thursday.

It's sort of a non issue imo unless there are other worrying things going on.

You genuinely think bullying another 7 year old and encouraging other children to join in with that bullying wishing they would die is a non issue?

OP is saying they because OP doesn't want to reveal whether this is her dd or ds.

You are right, I sent a follow up post once it became clear that Op's child said this about another child. I thought it was "wholes want to die here" rather than "who wants x to die" which is awful. The former is silly and only concerning if there is a bigger pattern.

As a child who had classmates try to organise against me in this sort of way, in the classroom, and yes, at the age of 7 (it started then & didn't stop until I was about 14) , I don't think my first thought is "How upsetting for a bullying child's parent"!

It is serious, and it was necessary for the teacher to talk to @Woewyd Her DC is displaying bullying behaviour. Whether or not it was a one-off, it needs dealing with in no uncertain terms.