Teacher called after my seven-year-old asked a very upsetting question

[Woewyd]

I’ve just had a phonecall from my child’s teacher to inform me that today at school they asked their table to put up hand their if they wanted xxxxxx to die? Wwyd. They are 7.

I have asked if anything happened or had been said before they asked this question of their table, no. I asked what on earth possessed them to ask such a question, don’t know. Had a chat about how that would make someone feel, how unkind it is etc etc. There was remorse, my child was upset but I feel so disappointed and unsure as to whether I should do anything more.

Ouch. Let's hope it was a one off. You've talked to her, she seems remorseful, it may just have been a random let's try this out and see what happens impulse. Doesn't mean your kid will be a bully even though the incident was very unkind.

They may know all that in theory, but I’m quite sure that when they said it they weren’t thinking about coffins, weeping mothers and other family etc. They were "just" making the point that they found X annoying and at that moment wished X wasn't there.

OP, it’s clearly a very nasty, bullying thing to say and you need to get to the bottom of the problem between DD and X, and also what is acceptable to say and what isn’t. But I wouldn't take those actual words too seriously.

Loads of kids are at school this week. My kids are and I work in a school and am also working this week!

Not all of them do. Honestly I work with them daily. There is such a vast variation in understanding, empathy, intelligence. Some just say stuff to entertain/ shock. But it’s not ok and this is why the school has phoned. Parent has dealt with it. If it happens again, different story.

I'd say 7 year olds pretty much all understand what death means and that it is permanent. That is why they use often when wanting to hurt someone. However, their understanding of the enormity of grief and the emotional impact of losing a loved one is still a developing concept for most. I've seen many children this age lose a grandparent and whilst they are upset, their grief is often not the same as it is for an adult. It is often more unsettling and upsetting for them to see their parents upset than is the actual personal loss to them.

Has your child understood your chat? Have they shown remorse? Are they going to apologise? and be kind to the other child going forward? Seven is old enough to understand their behaviour is wrong. You don’t have to be friends with everyone but you do have to be friendly.

I’m surprised - I can remember we had a class “fleabag” and we use to blow the imaginary flees off if we accidentally touched him - it would be like you weren’t in the so called “club” if you didn’t.

we also had a classmate who had a fan club - she decided if you were in or out

kids are awful some of the time - I’m sure that poor boy had fall out from the class’ behaviour - I don’t remember the teacher doing anything about it 😞

Devon, Somerset or many other counties that haven’t broken up yet. It’s very late.

I do think times have changed. Video games, Tv programs are all so much more violent and children are likely to be exposed to violent content unless the family are very selective and careful and even then in the wider family friends f siblings at at school they hear stuff.

There was a girl in my dc's class who had a kill list. She showed to to my dc when we were invited for naice supper. She was 10 at the time. She did bring a knife to school the following year. Nice proper loving middle class family, it was so strange.

And mine in the N/E.

I’d argue they still don’t realise the full finality of death - they just know it’s something shocking and it happens and develop more understanding as they grow

just because a hamster dies they don’t understand - that’s why they start having pets so they can be helped to understand

That's fair but the kid knows it's a nasty thing to say.
Please let's not excuse bullies. This girl or boy didn't need to activate mob mentality.

I wouldn’t think too much into it. I’d have a chat with her about not singling people out/bullying but as previous people have said, they don’t understand the concept of dying in the same way; it was probably said because she knows it’s shocking/wrong to say rather than meaning anything really nasty.

Thank you,@Idrathertalktomycat I wasn't upset - it was a long time ago, but thank you for your kind words - lovely of you. And I'm sorry to read that you went through it as well.

My school education was over 50 years ago - I don't think schools were very good about dealing with bullying then. I was asked what I was doing to cause my class mates to hit me and so on. I thought things had improved. I certainly hope so!

I teach 7 year olds. In my school you would definitely have been contacted and asked to speak to your child. I would have spoken to the child and it would be recorded on the reporting system. I would be monitoring. We wouldn't offer a follow up meeting.

As for 'literally' the whole country being on school holiday, no, it isn't.

Most schools here in Scotland don't stop till Thursday

‘They’ is the modern way of respecting pronouns. Not everyone wants to be identified as he/him, she/her etc.

Oh dear, I thought it meant Trump 🤦‍♀️

It's quite telling that so many teachers on this thread are saying how common it is. I suspect the people on the thread that are horrified don't regularly work with 7 year olds.

Kids say stupid things. I found a drawing recently that I made when I was 10/11 of a teacher with a knife in her stomach and FATSO written underneath. I had never played video games, watched anything violent etc and I've turned into a very boring, normal, non murderous, non fat shaming adult without intervention. I imagine my mum would have been horrified if she had found it at the time.

@Woewyd you may not read this as you are logging off, but I’ll post just in case. If I were you I would try not to be punitive, be curious. Who was she talking about? A boy/girl, friend or someone she plays with? Someone who is quiet and nervous or loud and dominant? All of this is useful information. I wouldn’t be surprised if this behaviour resulted from her feeling jealous in some way… (say for example this is a very confident friend and/or someone who used to be her bestie and now has a new bestie) an envious attack! Or was she asserting dominance over a more vulnerable child? The context and feelings underlying the behaviour are EVERYTHING. Is it a new/one off thing or a pattern? With your DD I would find out what I could in a curious way; I’d also talk to the teacher. But I definitely wouldn’t shut down thinking, talking and learning by going in hard at this stage. Good luck.

I work with 7 year olds and I can imagine a scenario where they are all saying various 'hands-up if you think...' phrases and it's got more and more silly and OPs child has just misjudged it and taken it too far.

It still needs a conversation but I don't think I'd assume it's definitely been done as a targeted attack or that the child is a bully. I've had a situation with a year 6 who told me another pupil has said 'your mum wishes you were dead' which is of course incredibly horrible and shocking in itself BUT I was on my way over to the group to have a word already because I'd heard them ALL saying similar 'your mum' jokes and laughing manically. Doesn't make it right but gives context.

I think for this reason more context would be useful.

I initially thought it might be a weirdo teacher asking the kids if they wanted Trump to die.

You can't possibly say whether a 7 year old does it doesn't. They are all different. I'd suggest many have superficial knowledge not actual experience of bereavement. It's quite possible to have a 7 year old understanding of death and not being very engaged with the concept on an emotional level. Thus not be thinking of ' maximum hurt.' Characters ' die' in online games all the time.

I don't think there is much understanding, maybe trying to be funny or something. My 6 year old is going through a phase also saying "put your hand up if.." I think you've done the right thing educating on kindness and how it would make you feel if you were at the recieving end. I think some kids can get carried away and not think before they speak.

It is true for mine. And when I was at catholic school too