I don't know what to do to make things better for my family!!!
This is really long but I just wanted to share everything as I need honest opinions on what I should do!! I'm at my wits end and feel so trapped, but something needs to happen. Help!!!
Background
Husband and I are in our 40s. Married 15 years, together since teens. He was a bit of a bad boy when younger, getting into scrapes and petty crime, not academically bright but 'street-smart', whereas I was educated and ambitious, and much more 'by the book'. He came from a very large but broken family and didn't have much growing up - didn’t know his dad but had a decent father figure for a number of years. His childhood was bad. Conversely, I had a great childhood with two loving parents and, whilst we were not wealthy, we never went without and we remain close. He was never interested in having a career but has supported and encouraged me as I've trained and established myself in my field. I now have a full time exec role that pays very well but can be stressful and demands my time. He has a fairly physical part time (30hr) local job that he enjoys - he has done the same job for 20+ years and will continue to do so until he retires. He seems happy there. Husband was diagnosed with dyslexia as a child but there are signs of other neurodiversities - possibly ADHD - but he is not interested in exploring that. Our relationship has been mostly good until recent years but we have had some challenges. Whilst I was pregnant he struck up an online chat with an old flame and the dirty talk went on for weeks, then they exchanged x rated pics before moving on to phone / video sex. I found out months later (he didn't tell me). He was apologetic but I've really struggled with trust since, although I don't think he has cheated again. I do wonder what would have happened if I didnt find out, though. He also stopped drinking a few years back as he is a bad drunk - loud, aggressive and can't stop. I'm proud of him for doing this, but he is resentful that he 'had to change' and throws this at me in almost every argument. He can be quite lairy and aggressive day to day - he speaks quite loudly and its peppered with swear words so sometimes people misjudge him and that's caused a few issues, especially once the kids started school and you have to engage with lots of other parents. But generally he was a nice bloke - decent, confident and would charm the old ladies! He doesn't care what others think, though and has no empathy or awareness of others. He has also been violent to me in the past - we had a few big, drunken arguments pre-kids and he has grabbed me, hurt me and thrown stuff at me, but just a couple of years ago we were having a row and he lunged at me and strangled me over the kitchen sink, stopping just before I blacked out. I probably was being really nasty and provoking, but I didn't deserve that. I have to admit that I have slapped him a couple of times too, when he just gets so utterly impossible to deal with. I'm not proud of that.
Kids
We have 2 girls aged 7 and 9. Our eldest was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and she primarily struggles with big emotional outbursts and impulsivity. She is falling behind a little at school but her challenges are more social than academic. We worry about her moving to secondary school in a couple of years time. My youngest is a 'young' 7 - still quite innocent and sweet, and very well behaved. She has had some serious health problems that have left us a little over-protective of her but she is absolutely fine now. Both are generally good kids, but like all children this age, they push boundaries and my eldest especially can be hard work.
Now
Over the past few years, husband has become so utterly awful to be around. He has always been a bit shouty and swears a lot, but his rage is now a multiple-daily occurrence and I'm extremely concerned about the impact on me and the kids. He loses it over the slightest things, and his reactions are so over the top. Every morning without fail he will lose it with my eldest - sometimes she can be rude and grumpy in the mornings - and I find the kids leave for school most days upset, on edge or anxious. The cause will be something simple like not following an instruction the first time (with ADHD she can be forgetful), or his terrible obsession with not being late (we never are!) and he will berate her, shame her, call her names, swear at her. Sometimes she can be quite reactive and then does the same back to him, and other times she will cry or run away from him, or just get on with what's being asked whilst sobbing. It breaks my heart! Its almost like he expects a fight now so jumps in too early when there is no need. I've tried removing him from the morning routine and I never have an issue with the kids - sure, its always a bit chaotic, but I don’t need to scream and shout at them to get out the door. I can manage it fine and we can still have fun. But I can't be there every day because of work, and even when he isn't 'involved' he still finds ways to kick off as an 'observer' and it is exhausting.
Its not just mornings. Because he finishes work earlier than me he will often collect them from school. The whole 'getting home' routine of bags / coats / snack seems to set him off somehow every day. Sometimes I work from home and will watch this all unfold within seconds of them walking in the door. Its always something trivial, like a slightly rude comment from my eldest or her immediate request for a snack (she is a hungry kid!). He will also push and push on things that don't really matter - recently my eldest decided she didn't like her toothpaste any more and even though we have others here to use he still forces her to use that one because 'she picked it' and its the right 'age' (this doesn't matter) and 'there has to be consequences'. Now there is a huge battle every time teeth are brushed. Its ridiculous! I let her use any toothpaste she likes as long as she brushes her teeth properly - and she does! He gets mad at me for this, saying I 'mollycoddle' her and 'let her get her way'. This happens multiple times a week on other similarly trivial things - changing which book she reads mid-way through (surely any age-appropriate reading is good?!) or being messy (as long as she tidies up, I don't mind her making a mess whilst playing!). She also has sensory issues (related to her ADHD) and often changes her clothes more than once a day (especially socks) and he loses his mind over this, saying there will be too much laundry. I try and teach her to put away her unworn clothes but she struggles with this and therefore a messy room with piles of clothes will likely lead to a total meltdown from my husband. When I say 'meltdown', what I mean is he will call her a 'f*cking idiot' or a 'dickhead', say how 'embarrassed' he is of her that 'she is 9 but can't even dress herself properly' and generally just make her feel small rather than try to teach or help her. He mimics her. He brings up her past mistakes and shames her about them. He tells her she is 'a nasty, horrible girl' and 'can't wait for the day someone punches her in the face' for being rude because 'then she will learn'. He has smacked her (even though we have both agreed we won't do this) and often nowadays he will grab her by the arm and drag her up or down the stairs to / from her room. He gets right in her face and points and yells, and it is so intimidating. She gets scared and panics. I think he is a bully and her self esteem is being gradually eliminated which makes me so sad.
She does react back. She shouts and swears, and I know that's not okay but she has learned it from him. I beg him to stop screaming at her - in the moment my main aim is to protect my child so I usually react quickly and strongly, but I have also tried backing him up (when deserved), separating them, getting involved, shouting myself, everything! Nothing makes a difference. He just turns on me and does and says all the same things to me. Her behaviour is now frequently bad and she too is looking for a fight with him. They are both ready to pounce at the slightest thing and its a guarantee that something will kick off every single day. We are on high alert all the time and walk on eggshells around him (and to some extent, her too). It's a horrible way to live. He believes the kids need 'punishment' when wrong (I don't), and we cannot agree on what that looks like - I think his are inapporpriate and excessive. He is also inconsistent with this, constantly threatening to remove privileges but then not following through on it, so she has learned to ignore the threats which just seems to wind him up even more! Sometimes I manage to talk to her after an explosion. She mostly seems resilient and over it, but I know its deeper than that. I just try to reassure her that I love her and will always support her, and sometimes tell her that daddy is struggling with his big emotions, but that it is not okay for him to talk to her like that and I'm so sorry. Sometimes I tell her she was in the wrong. I think we have a good relationship and she (mostly) listens, and I feel like I can get through to her and teach her or help her grow. I read and research so much about parenting, ADHD, kids, whatever I can to learn and help my girls - I often send Husband links, videos, webinar invites, quotes, ideas. He hates this and frequently mocks me for it, saying I'm a 'fool for believing everything I read online' (I certainly don't!) and tells me he doesnt bother reading them as there's no point. He just doesn't seem to care to fix the problem and be a better parent.
My youngest suffers too - she hates all the shouting and generally cries and runs to me for safety when something is kicking off. Sometimes she is on the receiving end of his rage too, but where she is much more of a rule follower, it is less often and she doesn't argue back much and will just disappear for a cry or sulk instead. I know it is affecting her though and that makes me worry.
At times he can be a lovely dad. He is not proactive at all, and doesn't tend to deliberately try and spend any time with the kids. But I'll arrange family days out or fun activities and he'll sometimes get involved. His way of 'making up' for these fights is to throw himself into playing the cool, fun dad, and sometimes after a fight he will be on his best behaviour for a few hours. Then the girls seemingly forget all about the fight and just enjoy playing with their dad. I resent him for it, though. Its manipulative.
My husband point blank refuses to talk about this. If he is in a rage he just attacks me verbally, shouts, swears, mimics me, calls me names, gets nasty, constantly tells me I think I am always right, tells me I am too soft (this drives me mad because I absolutely hold my children to account when needed) and brings up all sorts of things we've argued about before. I am quite a calm and open minded person and I try to explain to him that I understand his frustration but that he cannot react this way. But he just tells me I'm wrong and storms off, slamming doors, throwing things, breaking our house and things in it. Our walls and furniture is chipped thanks to him throwing things around in anger. I beg him to talk but he refuses or gets so angry it is impossible to talk with him. This happens in front of the kids despite my pleas to the contrary. Afterwards I just get the silent treatment and the refusal to do anything around the house. He can keep this up for weeks.
He smokes weed (always has, on and off) and this has escalated massively in the last year. He prioritises rolling / smoking his joints over everything so our routines often get screwed up because he is 'busy' smoking. He will disappear to roll a joint for 10 minutes, then take it into the garden and sit there smoking for 30 mins a time, playing on his phone, and this is happening 5-6 times a day. I don't like weed. I've told him I hate the way it tastes when I kiss him, I don't like my kids being exposed to it, I hate the way it makes my house smell, and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed of what our neighbours think! I kind of let it slide at first thinking maybe it would chill him out but I don't think it has any positive effect at all and now its a terrible habit that he can't and won't break. Don't even get me started on the cost!
I've tried to encourage him to be and feel better. He doesn't really have any friends and last year had a work problem that saw him signed off with stress and depression for 6 months. I've spent years encouraging him to come to events or introducing him to new people, but he is not interested. I encouraged him to take up tennis coaching which he is enjoying and gets him out of the house once a week. He has recently got into his fitness (garage workouts) and I've bought him some kit and told him how good he is looking. I've helped him research supplements and healthy eating options. I've been asking for counselling for years - after his depression he finally agreed and his GP added him to a waiting list for 'childhood trauma therapy' - he has just had his first session, but he won't share anything about it with me (that's fine) and refuses to do anything else alongside it. Won't entertain marriage counselling. Only when I push really hard on these 'life improvements' can I get any engagement from him, even though its benefitting him! Its exhausting. And unfair - I have zero social life because I'm busy holding everything together. I am an outgoing and upbeat person but I feel he is chipping away at the core of me and I am certain my zest for life is hanging on by a mere thread. I am overweight and unhealthy, but just not motivated to fix this whilst I am juggling so much else. I want to be better but just don't have the energy to help myself amongst everything else. It frustrates me that I want to better myself but can't, yet he won't bother bettering himself despite all the help and encouragement opportunities he has at his disposal.
If you asked him his view, he would say he is fed up of being 'taken advantage of'- in his words, he 'does everything for everyone' and feels unappreciated and disrespected He evidently resents my job and blames a lot on it (unfairly, I think - I manage a decent work life balance) but he 'forgets' that I work full time so it can't be compared with his hours, and that the nature of my job isn't the same as his - sometimes I need to be flexible for work's sake. He doesnt understand this - to him a job has always been 'clock in, clock off, forget about it'. But I don't see it as a 'job', its more a 'career' that I enjoy, get fulfilment from and forms a big part of my identity. He does do chores - he washes the laundry (I put it away), he does the bins, a fair share of school runs, loads the dishwasher and cooks a lot, especially if I am running late from work. But despite our many arguments about this, he fails to see the mental load I carry and all the things he doesn't do, like all household and financial matters, anything kid-related (lunches, clubs, health, parties, school events), groceries, meal planning, repairs, home improvements. He never tidies up and the extent of his cleaning is squirting some bleach in the loo. Any DIY is squarely down to me - he point blank refuses to help. I've accepted this imbalance and don't challenge him on it (even though I should) so it drives me insane when he goes on about how he does everything. He just has no idea how 'on the go' I am all the time, and what it actually takes to run a household. When he is in a mood he just decides to absolve himself of all responsibilities and reverts to doing absolutely nothing. I then find myself run ragged filling in all the gaps - I can't leave it, because the kids still need food and clean clothes, and he will just hold out for weeks if needed. There is zero feel of a 'team effort'. I am also resentful, if I am honest, that I do so much at home AND bring in pretty much all the money, AND make everything happen for our family / home, and he gets to live in our nice house and drive a swish car and have nice things and have an easy life because I work so hard. Yet I don't get any appreciation and he is the one saying he needs it!
In the past he has accused me of not showing enough intimacy. He was always the more physical person - grabbing and groping me and initiating something else. My sex drive is on the floor given my busy and stressful life, but we've muddled through the last couple of years with ups and downs in that department. I've explained to him that wanting sex requires me to feel emotionally connected to him, and I don't, but he just gets angry. He is an early riser so falls asleep on the sofa by 9pm each night - he used to come up to bed later but now he just makes a bed on the sofa and stays there until morning. I used to wake him but don't bother any more. So the chance of being intimate is close to zero! He says it is because he is so tired. Recently I've really noticed how I am the only one trying to show affection - I still reach for his hand, go in for a hug, ask for a kiss when he or I comes home. He never does. This subtle change is bothering me as its not like him to ignore these advances. His attitude towards me is now utterly dire. I just had two unpleasant surgeries 'down below' - he has acted like this is the biggest inconvenience ever. Didn't visit me in the hospital, didn't even text after I woke from surgery to see how I was. Refused to collect me from the hospital when I was discharged. Whilst recovering at home he has been distant with me - he booked the week off to 'look after' me, then sat on his backside in another room watching TV whilst I cried with the pain and struggled with my meds. Occasionally offered me a cup of tea or helped me up the stairs, but he made me feel so utterly uncared for. Thank goodness for my mum stepping in and offering me some company! I'm not yet back to full strength so the house is a shit tip and we are out of all food and supplies - we've even run out of toilet paper, but he won't go any buy some because 'why should he'?? My kids are using baby wipes until I can get a delivery as I still can't drive. Last weekend was Mothers Day - the day after I left hospital after a really challenging 3 weeks. He did nothing to mark it. My kids had made a craft at school and my mum had taken them to buy a card and plant so the girls were delighted to present me with something. But when I asked him why he didn't arrange anything, he said 'you're not my mum'. He then left me in pain on the sofa all day and watched sports, shouting at the kids whenever they bothered him. I feel so hurt by his lack of thought with all of this, and absolutely hate the standard he is setting for my girls. I watch other couples outside my window or on TV and yearn for some kindness and compassion. I just feel so alone and think maybe I 'settled' too soon and we have since grown so far apart. I'm really sad.
Finally, its worth saying the school have now picked up on his anger problem too. Husband had a verbal altercation at the gates with another parent (I don't actually think he was in the wrong for once!) so he was on their radar. Also, a couple of months back I took the kids to stay at my mums for a few days after a particularly bad episode from him. The school got wind, and checked in to make sure everything was okay - they were very kind but clearly the kids had been sharing what's going on. On another occasion we asked to meet the SENCO for a chat about my eldest and we ended up with her, the teacher and the head all sat talking and they questioned him about his reactions and behaviours with the kids, as if it was kind of planned. They were great and very gentle with him, but pretty much said what I've been telling him all along - that HE is the adult, so its HIS responsibility to stay calm and lead by example and HE needs to adapt and develop his skills to do this, plus cut the kids some slack! After the meeting I was relieved but when I asked his view, he had a completely different interpretation of what they said, then kicked off saying I am always blaming him, and that the school weren't saying that he needed to change at all! Just last week, whilst I was in hospital, he was asked to go to the school for a chat after one of the girls had mentioned lots of shouting that morning. He told them it was because my eldest's behaviour had been bad and they left it at that. He didn't tell me - I only found out as the girls mentioned it to my mum. I know the school are building a picture of the girls' home life and I am scared about what this means, but also think their support could be helpful.
So what do I do?? Most days I just want to be away from him and I do think I would do a better job of raising my kids alone, for their sake. His anger is damaging them every day and I can't allow it to continue. As a husband, he doesn't add anything to my life, and just depletes any joy I have. Part of me really wants to help him fix this and go back to being a happy family. I do love him and I recognise that he may be having some kind of long term mental health episode. I've invested 25+ years into this relationship and don't want to call it quits. I dearly remember the cheeky chappy I fell in love with - I miss him. But he won't get help and it seems I can't get it for him. Part of me thinks there is too much already broken, and I'm exhausted from years of trying to hold everything together. The idea of doing everything alone terrifies me - I have a big job and that's important to me, plus I will need to find a new job later this year (redundancy) so having childcare issues at that time isn't ideal. I have my mum nearby for support but she is 70 and can't do too much. Financially I could probably just about manage the kids and house without him but we aren't rich and can't afford to live separately. He is also refusing to leave the house (I have asked - he laughed) and he has no family nearby he could stay with. He doesnt earn enough to support himself. Just being under the same roof is enough to set him off so I don't think we could manage to cohabit reasonably. I just can't see how this could work!
So I feel totally trapped, alone, disappointed, unsupported, and unsure of what to do next. I have loads of acquaintances but no real friends to confide in. Plus, I'm embarrassed about this whole sorry state of affairs. I cannot continue living like this - all four of us are suffering, but I don't see many options. What have I missed? Where am I being short sighted? Am I unreasonable? What should I do? Please help. I'm fed up of adulting!!!!