I’m so ashamed to be writing this, but I feel like I’ve reached breaking point with looking after my 4 month old baby. Every evening I get a sense of dread because I don’t know whether we’re going to have a good night or a night where baby refuses to sleep. I cope well with responding to his needs during the day but something about being up in the middle of the night just leaves me feeling totally overwhelmed. I follow the advice to put him down in a safe space and walk away if I need to, but I feel like that’s supposed to be an extreme circumstance not something I need to do 4 times a night.
I’m deeply ashamed to admit it, but if I’d realised how hard this was going to be and how little support I’d have I never would have considered having a baby. I come from a huge family, who have all been nowhere to be seen since the first 2 weeks of babies life. They were full of false promises when I was pregnant. I can’t even reach out to them about how I’m feeling because they’re full of advice that I’ve tried and didn’t work. My baby will not be put down for even 10 seconds without screaming. He won’t go in any kind of baby carrier. He won’t accept me holding him while sitting down. I spend my life standing up holding him on my shoulder and trying to ignore how much my arms and back ache. I’m fielding endless requests from family members to bring baby to visit them. My house is an absolute health hazard because I can’t get anything done, I’m so exhausted I almost crashed my car driving 5 minutes to the shops. But I’m supposed to pack up me and my baby and drive 1-2 hours to visit them because they can’t be bothered getting in their own cars and coming to me? And all the chores and dirty bottles and unwashed baby clothes would be waiting for me when I got back.
I’ve tried going to baby groups but they just make me feel like more of a failure when I see other mums and their settled babies. Trying to get anywhere on any kind of schedule feels like an extra stress I don’t need. I have a very supportive partner but he works long shifts, and he’s struggling with the lack of external support too. If I try and ask for support from the GP or health visitor I’m just going to be diagnosed with PND and offered antidepressants. I don’t think I’m depressed. I think I’m unsupported and in over my head. A pill can’t fix that.
I deeply love my son, but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m a total failure