Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

@Hiptothisjivebut they’re 18. Who cares if they have sex. It’s not like they’re 15/16

THIS. He sounds jealous and creepy. Not having a door to your bedroom so anyone can just pop their head up and spy on you getting changed? Fucking gross and weird. Makes my skin crawl thinking about it. Trying to control her sex life - has he always been this inappropriately invested in his step daughter?

A 16 year old friend of mine years ago had a stepdad who started getting angry when she got boyfriends, a year later they started a relationship and ran away together and she was pregnant by him - a 10 year age gap as he was younger than her mum.

Is she off to uni soon?

No, why does this matter?

There really is not point in answering the OP anymore as she won’t engage in any advice around why she can’t just put her own foot down with her daughter and tell her husband to stop this ridiculous behaviour.

Because she can’t escape this situation and have independent and a door on her bedroom

Jesus Christ! Not all step dads are paedos! No one ‘pops their head up and spies on her while she’s getting changed’. He’s been in her life since she was 5, basically brought her up since about 6. He’s her dad as far as I’m concerned and I’m actually infuriated that you’re thinking that way!

Why the fuck is your Husband, who is not her Father, telling you what your own Daughter can or can't do? I'd tell him to fuck off sharpish. She's an adult for God's sake.

Answer the question OP. Why is your husbands opinion more valid than yours in your own home?

It’s very sad that her dad passes away at 5 and then she immediately had a new man brought into her life.

It’s also very sad that this man is allowed to put his foot down and is, apparently, in charge of the household and you can’t even have a discussion about it, an actual discussion which will result in him backing off and stoping his ridiculous rule.

Doesn’t sound like a very happy house, living with a man who “put his foot down.” I hope your daughter picks a man who isn’t such a misogynist.

Then explain, as you've been asked to do many times, WHY you think he does not want a grown woman to be alone up there with another man, when you've already stated they would not be having sex up there due to the lack of door and sisters going up all the time?

What other reason is there other than jealousy?

It’s irrelevant if you agree or disagree either way his stance. Both parents need to agree to something happening with their DC.

Why can’t folk get their heads around the fact that he’s my husband AND her dad. Her biological dad died. We got married and he took on responsibility of helping me parent her from the age of 6. He’s been the only father figure in her life since her dad died. TBH he’s much more of a father than he ever was or was going to be. He’s provided financially for her, provided a roof over her head, fed her, clothed her, loved her, all the things a father provides for their child. Why is it any different if he isn’t her biological father??

This ... ^ Not saying he is a perv or a pedo @Lostgirl81 But he does seem weirdly jealous and threatened by other men being near his stepdaughter. My DH, (both my DC are his bio children) never had any issue with them being in their bedroom with a 'romantic' partner.

Neither of them bothered til they were 16, and we let the partner(s) stay over too. (In their bedroom.) We figured (as has been said) that if they were going to 'do anything' they would do it, even if we didn't allow them in the bedroom together.

Do you really not think your DH is behaving irrationally? And as has been asked multiple times now, why does his opinion and wishes trump yours? Are you afraid of him? Why aren't you answering these questions?

Also, if your DD's siblings will be 'in and out' disturbing her and her boyfriend, why is your husband being so arsey about the boyfriend being there? It is coming across like he is jealous of your DD's boyfriend.

It’s not more valid than mine, at no time did I say it was. I just can’t be bothered with any argument that may or may not ensue if I were to allow the boyfriend in the room.

OP you're "infuriated" at everyone who's suggesting your DP is being controlling/creepy/inappropriate, but instead of leaping to his defence (which presumably you did when he told your adult daughter how to behave, given that his way seems to be the default) maybe read back how you've described your household dynamic:

- I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down

- He’s not allowed in the house if we’re not home, again not my rule

- I didn’t get a say. He just put his foot down and that was that.

- The problem is if I allow it and they head up there it’s just going to start an argument and probably end with the boyfriend being told to leave.

OP I'm guessing the younger sisters/kids are his bio children? And that their rooms are on the normal bedroom floor of the house? With bedroom doors? Swap their room with the 18 year old - they have the open loft and 18yo gets a proper private bedroom with a lockable door. Then stand back and watch your H "put his foot down" about her having a private space...........regardless of the boyfriend issue.

Well, the fact you can't be bothered with an argument, does suggest somewhat that you ARE letting his wishes trump yours. 'Anything for a quiet life' is you backing down.

No I’m not afraid of him lol. I just can’t be bothered with any argument with him about it. Genuinely just came on here to gauge opinion and maybe to show him some of the comments. Big mistake it seems.

Maybe it's worth "bothering" with an argument for the sake of sticking up for your daughter?

He is jealous of her boyfriend. And he probably doesn’t fully see her as a biological daughter, regardless of what you want to believe. She’s a younger unrelated female living in his house (regardless of who owns it it’s clearly more his than yours since he calls the shots!) and he’s trying to prevent her being sexually active despite being TWO YEARS over the age of consent and despite her own mum being ok with it.

I’ve actually asked her recently if she wants to swap bedrooms with her sisters and she said no, she prefers the loft room.

Yes but what would HE say if you suggested it to him?

So rather than stand up to his misogynistic ownership of your adult daughter and help her, you’ll choose a quiet life. Well done.

Yep! This. ^