Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

If you are happy that they are having sex then it's no problem, if you are not happy for them to have sex or more likely not want them to have sex in your house, or don't want to condone them having sex and set a (bad?) example to younger siblings then don't allow it.

Some teenage girls may not actually want to have sex with their bf and it can be difficult enough to say no, explicitly being allowed to have their bf in their bedroom may put them in a difficult position, 'even your parents don't mind'.

I think a few people have made some wild posts, but some have made some valid ones. I think your DD does need to have a bedroom with a door, and as someone said, it could be a fire safety hazard...

And you really need to tell your DH to chill. He can't tell an 18 year old adult that she can't have a boyfriend in her bedroom. You know he's in the wrong or you wouldn't have posted here. Many people think he is being ridiculous, but I have a feeling you're not going to do anything about it/about him. Was there any point in you posting this thread @Lostgirl81 ? 🤔You sound very passive, and like you're already beaten!

This. Why doesn't he just stamp a cattle brand on her arse so any men who come sniffing around her know she's already owned

God forbid. Sex 😱

Jesus Christ there are some weird minded people on here! He’s not jealous of her boyfriend for fuck sake! He does see her as his daughter and treats her no different to our other daughters and never has. I don’t understand why so many people are having a problem with this?!? Maybe he’s just having a problem adjusting to her growing up?

I’m really unbothered about young adults having sex in my house. I have sex in my house. My dc aren’t horrified. They don’t really think about it although I suspect they are happy we have a full relationship if you were to ask them.

as long as it’s respectful and not random people coming and going, I think it’s a normal healthy part of an adult relationship

Either way he has to get over his discomfort because it is t fair on her as an 18 year old not to have her boyfriend up there

and is the room actually converted because we have fire doors everywhere

Hope she can move out soon.

he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

My thoughts are that he is a hypocrite.

Would he be acting this way if your DD was a DS?

I agree with you. She’s an adult. It’s her house too.

What are his concerns?

Does she ever question it?

Does she pay anything towards the house?

I think sometimes men are very protective of their daughters, they remember what they were like as young men, and don't want their daughters to be taken advantage of. It's easy to say they are 18 and can do what they want, but it's not that easy. He is acting a bit the Victorian father, but at least he cares.

Because he's not related to her by blood, and a lot of men are creeps when it comes to their stepdaughters having sexual relationships. Some bio dads become creeps as well unfortunately but it is more likely a stepdad can get jealous and creepy because he is not biologically related to his stepdaughter.

I'm not saying that is the case here but there are some obvious differences because he isn't her bio dad and to pretend otherwise makes you look a bit naive.

At the very least because he says he's uncomfortable with it then for some reason he is struggling with the fact that his stepdaughter is now an adult in a sexual relationship and he needs to articulate why he is struggling with that.

Also you need to put your foot down and tell him to stop being so ridiculous. I'm not sure why he gets the final say over controlling the sexual relationship of an adult who he is not even the parent of.

Great so because you can't be bothered your daughter has to suffer. Fab parenting 👏

This makes it weirder. Why is he so possessive over a stepdaughter?

At no point did I say her dad died and then I immediately brought a new man into her life. I had been separated from her dad for 3 years before he died. I met my husband around a year before he died and he moved in a year later. My daughter knew him well before he moved in.
He’s not in charge of the household but what am I supposed to do if we have differing opinions on things like this? It seems you think if we have a discussion he’ll just suddenly change his opinion. If the opinions were reversed and I wasn’t happy about our daughter having a boyfriend in her room I would say that he would agree to disagree and leave it at that. Just as I have. Maybe his opinion will change in time, that remains to be seen. I was just genuinely interested to gauge opinion on her and maybe show him some of the comments. I did not expect my husband to be called a paedo, jealous as he’s not really her dad or misogynistic.
Out of interest what was your opinion? Boyfriend allowed in the room or not?

Step dad in name only. He’s her dad as far as any of us are concerned, including my daughter. He’s brought her up since she was 6.

No door to loft room does not meet building regs.

I wouldn’t say she’s suffering exactly 🙄 I was only looking to gauge opinion but in usual Mumsnet fashion people prefer to lay into people 🤯

It makes no difference biological father's have sex with their biological daughters if they are paedophiles and men who are not paedophiles don't have sex with biological or non-biological daughters (or any other children come to that).

He's either a paedophile or not and his wife who knows him best says he's not, if he is then all the children in the house are at risk and any other children he comes into contact with.

But he isn’t her Dad though so the question as to exactly what he finds uncomfortable about an adult having another adult in their private space is a valid one.

She is 18 and in a long term relationship that isn’t being recognised by her parents by allowing her to grow

so what are you suppose to do - question him work out why he is uncomfortable and then tell him your view is that she should be allowed to be treated as an adult

Oh FFS he is her parent!

She is an adult. Of course her boyfriend should be allowed in her room. What possible reason is there to say an adult cannot have their boyfriend in their room?

If she was 16, then it would be more nuanced and I could maybe see his point. But she is 18. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t change his mind. You have the discussion and you tell him, “Well we can agree to disagree but she is an adult and this is my house and her house and her boyfriend will be going into her room. If you make this uncomfortable for them, argue with them or upset or intimidate them then we’ll have to rethink this household.”

He literally is a misogynist. He is gatekeeping an adult woman’s time with her boyfriend and he is ignoring his wife’s opinion and putting his foot down.

Do the same to him.

@Lostgirl81 then he needs to get over his discomfort and accept his daughter is an adult, a grown women who deserves to be treated as such.

So he was allowed to have girlfriends in his room, but she’s not.

Sounds like your garden variety of Massive Hypocrite. In addition to tarring the boyfriend with his own behaviour. Whatever about anything else, he would definitely be questioned about why he’s being such a hypocrite?
Is it that he had sex at 18, but had zero respect for his partners (were they all slappers/whores/loose/the usual) and he thinks everyone thinks like he does.
This is not about your daughter, it is about him.

Ok, paedo accusations aside, what does your daughter think about this? Have you had an open conversation with her about whether they are having sex? If they’re not doing it at your house, where are they doing it? Etc. If I was your daughter I’d be trying to move out sharpish, whole set up sounds weird. But assuming it’s all FINE (non biological dad ruling roost, mum can’t be bothered to argue), then what are this young couple supposed to do? Go off in their cars and fuck in dark secluded woodland? They’re 18, forbidding them to have sex is frankly fucking weird imo.