Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

I want my teenager to grow and change without feeling too beholden to a young relationship. Teenagers are still finding themselves. If the adults in their life treat their relationships as serious relationships as opposed to something most likely transitory, they may themselves take the relationship too seriously and get too attached. They need to be able to move on if it isn’t the right person.

I don’t care if they have sex. Keeping some boundaries about dating doesn’t stop them from having sex. I’ve got condoms and the morning after pill stocked in a cabinet for anyone who needs to grab supplies.

I just am not going to pretend that my teenager is actually in a truly adult relationship.

No, just you and one other

I agree, but how is allowing the boy alone in her room doing any of that?

This. ^ Basically @Lostgirl81 as has been said, you would not have posted this thread if you weren't concerned about your DH's behaviour, and worried for your daughter.

No matter how much you try and gasp in horror at what people are suggesting - (that your DH is a control freak who you are a little bit scared of, and his behaviour towards your daughter is a bit odd,) people are only responding to what you have said.

No-one is 'making anything up.'

I said much further back that even though you clearly have concerns about your DH's controlling behaviour, (which you are now denying, even though it's true, as you stated it in the thread earlier on,) you will do nothing about it. And I am right, you won't. As I said (and some others have said,) it's baffling that you even posted this thread, because you are taking no-one's advice on board, you are poo-pooing peoples concerns, and yelling at people saying his behaviour isn't right, whilst fawning over the few people who are supporting you ...

Shame really, because I think your daughter will be wanting to move out soon. Your DH's behaviour will see to that. Wait for your husband to kick off and try and stop that happening. Because he will. If he can't stand her being in a room alone with a boy, get ready for him to fly off the handle when she says she's moving in with said boy! Because he will do that too!

As others have said, I fear you have been Royally gaslighted by this man, and his behaviour towards your daughter is worrying and concerning. I can't believe you are constantly making excuses for him.

Good luck. You'll need it.

A few posters aren’t just questioning the privacy but the safety aspect of it. To meet building regulations a fire door is required at the bottom or top of the new stairs

No, I never said ANY of that.

What I said (twice) was - why don't YOU suggest to YOUR HUSBAND the prospect of DD swapping rooms (and getting a fucking door and some privacy) and see how HE responds?

Come back and tell us what HE says.

Ah back to the weird paedo shit. Away and boil yer heed!

My post has nothing to do with my attic room meeting building regs, I know it doesn’t.

I know it doesn’t but equally you make a post it’s going to open up to questions so people can get an idea of things before responding

@Lostgirl81 surely you can see the fact that as her stepdad (because that is what he is) the fact he felt uncomfortable with her sharing a room with her boyfriend has the potential to be a red flag. Becuase of course it is it is overstepping somewhat for him to go back on an agreed plan because of his discomfort.

because this is simply about his discomfort given it was agreed that it was fine to do so before.

anyway it doesn’t matter nothing should be based on his discomfort because he needs to get over it

What @Lostgirl81is essentially saying is ‘I posted to be soothed, not to have my husband or my family dynamics criticised’

The original post sets out the exact dynamic. Dad met the boyfriend over a family dinner and the daughter and boyfriend spent time in her room. But then:

“The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this.

I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. “

OP - you are right and your husband is wrong. Whether you will ever get him to see anyone else’s point of view is very questionable. I suspect he is stubborn in many areas of his life.

None of this happened now, according to the OP's tremendous back peddling 🚴

I'm baffled it took until DD was 18 for this to cause an issue, maybe it has before and OP swept it under her 20ft high rug.

When did I say that none of this happened? It’s my original post, it happened and I was looking to gauge opinion on the fact I was happy with her boyfriend in the room and he wasn’t.

Why is his word final
wby does he feel so uncomfortable?

your huaband sounds like a misogynistic creep

I bet he would be ok with an adult son having a girlfriend

women aren’t allowed to be sexual 🙄

He’s being ridiculous, I’m assuming it’s your house as well, so how come you have no say in the rules? Plus, he’s her step dad, so you should have final say in any parenting.

God here we go with the step dad shit again! He’s her bloody dad, only dad she’s got!

He says not but will never know as we don’t have an adult son.

Yep and another based on one opinion that differs, my husband is a women hater 🙄

I just wanted to clear something up after some of the replies I’ve had. I posted here about one specific situation, with a couple of follow-up answers, and I feel like quite a few assumptions have been made about me, my marriage and my daughter that don’t reflect reality.

Comments about my husband being controlling or misogynistic, or our daughter not having any privacy, are really not accurate. Those kinds of conclusions are based on very limited information, and I don’t think it’s fair to draw such strong judgments from just a single post.

Also, while my husband may technically be her stepdad in name, he is her dad in every sense of the word. I don’t appreciate being continually told that I should “take charge” as though I’m her only parent and he isn’t — that simply isn’t true in our family.

I do appreciate that people here want to look out for women and young people, and that comes from a good place. But I’d really value it if responses could stick to what I’ve actually written, rather than filling in gaps with guesses.

Thanks to those who did answer the original question — that’s what I came here for.

I used to have sex with my boyfriend in the sitting room while my parents were in the dining room with glass doors!!! Obvs not naked and not penetrative but sex nevertheless. Where there's a will there's a way.

I know it’s hard to hear, but he has at least some backwards views about women and their posting in the household. Or it’s just been misconstrued due to the language you used.

You used the phrase “put his foot down” and “I didn’t get a say.”

That is misogyny. You are equal parents. You’re on here trying to find a way through it so that you both feel heard and respected. He isn’t doing that, is he? He put his foot down and told you that you don’t get a say.

I understand that you’re angry about people calling him controlling but that’s the information you gave, that’s all we have. And that part is controlling and be is very much using his position as man of the house to put you in your place.

It’s up to you how you respond, but I wouldn’t be letting that sort of behaviour stand.

I don’t think your DH is abusive etc, but what I do see is that you are not advocating for DD, it is your home too and you share children- why is your voice not heard, why can’t you be bothered with an argument? I just do not understand why your view in this case is not as important as your husband’s? Why is the final say his?

You need a conversation with him about this, I don’t want to think that how he treats her now, has an impact on their/ your relationship going forward.

OP you do need to talk to him, Dad or step dad your 18 year old is an adult and has the right to privacy and respect in the home. Im not sure if she is at an age to be at work/ uni or if shes still in school. If its the latter it can be hard to see them as an adult. Dd is 18 she has a new boyfriend , met at uni, they live in the same house, ( only met post moving in) and to be honest in her room from what she says. He's a nice , respectful /caring lad from what i have seen / heard about him . DH was uneasy re them sharing a room here. A conversation was had re it being a bit daft, given the above, and if we want her to keep in touch,visit home , get to know him we'd allow it. We have metioned we are in the next room , and to be honest on the first visit heard nothing we didnt want to, they may well have just slept! He and you need to start trying to accept she is an adult and you now need to form adult parenting relationships with her. I would only allow long term partners. DS 23 is single never had a partner home and knows my views on one night stands for either of them! From watching friends with older kids , the ones with the best relationships allow the changes to occur and support not control there young adults.