Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

Ok so then I’m just doing exactly as he is to me, pushing my opinion and telling him the way it is. There is no easy answer to this.

He's been her dad for many years, he has the same worries for her as he would for any other daughter of his. He is perhaps a bit over protective, but many dad's are very protective of their daughters. I think it is really old fashioned to cast him in the role of evil stepfather. It's not an adult having another adult in their private space, it's his teenage (adultish) daughter being alone in her private space with a man. I know everyone is adult at 16, but if you remember being 16 or even 18 and some of the foolish decisions you made, having a protective father is not such a bad thing.

No you aren’t. You are looking at the fact that 3 adults now live in the house and that changes things and that dynamics will change.

and that infantilising your DD but not allowing her to be a grown up because of your discomfort isn’t parenting it is being selfish.

Children getting older is hard and that comes with accepting things such as this. Having a stranger in her room is an acceptable boundary to say no to. her boyfriend of a year isn’t

Your husband is the only grown up in the house.

He is absolutely right to give the message to the boyfriend that his daughter and his house are to be treated with respect. It will make the boy think twice about treating her badly if he knows she has a father who will not hesitate to lay down the law.

The boyfriend was engaging in a massive piece of cheeky fuckery in going with your daughter to her bedroom to 'watch tv' and your husband knows this and has responded correctly.

But put opinions aside and look at it logically.

This is an adult woman. An adult woman, regardless of who she is, can have her boyfriend in her room.

It just is happens that she is your daughter. There is a right and wrong answer here, and he is wrong. So it’s actually ok to just tell him to pack it in.

A lot of things come down to matter of opinion and you need to find a way through. This is an adult woman having someone she has picked come into her bedroom. It’s insane that you haven’t just told him to pack it in.

Some people are just nuts. Proper nutjobs around adult woman being controlled.

No he isn’t he isn’t treating anyone with respect he is being driven by his discomfort and nothing else

and we are in the 21st Century he does not need to step in

Yes, the problem is I didn’t get a say. He just put his foot down and that was that.

This does not compute with me OP. Why are you not standing up to him?

You can equally say: He didn’t get a say. I put my foot down and that was that.

Why aren’t you?

Yes this is possibly more what it is. He is quite protective of all our kids. I love how everyone jumped on the paedo step father band wagon but thank you for your comment which makes a lot more sense. We need to have a proper conversation about it without just dismissing how each other feels about it.

Many dads including birth dads struggle with their children’s sexuality particularly girls. He just need to grow up and get over it rather than controlling his SD’s behaviour in order to control his own discomfort.

Oh please.

She is 18 so not a child, so yes i'd let them. Also why does your husband make all the decisions, tell him to do one.

Yes its plain he has no issue with sex outside of marriage having had his own girlfriends in his room at this age. This isn’t some random flyby, he knows the boy in question and knows they have been in a relationship for a year at this point. The girl doesn’t even have a door on her bedroom.

I don’t agree that it sends a message of “respect my daughter”, the message is more “I, a man, control access to my adult daughter”.

Agreed and that’s problematic and quite weird for DD. It’s like he’s trying o be her personal chastity belt.

This is a tricky one. My dh is the same . He i think deep down would know they are having sex . But doesnt want to actually hear or have the slight chance of hearing or being aware.
Which I thinks natural for a lot of parents.
Its a hard transition from seeing them as just a daughter to seeing them as someone's partner.
Maybe ask at what age does he think its ok? Or does he just never want to run the risk of being aware they are having sex?
Does he like her boyfriend?

MN gets very weird about non-biological family relationships, OP. I am NOT accusing your dh of having an inappropriate interest, but I do think you should have more of an interest in making this a shared decision, rather than his alone.

I don't think there is one right answer to the question. It depends on what you're comfortable with, whether you want your dc to be able to discuss sex with you, and how you want them to view sex. My decisions were influenced by their peer group norms (not that they are to be followed, but if all the friends are sexually active you are unlikely to be able to discourage your dc from becoming sexually active) and of course the character of the bf and the nature of the relationship.

So yes, I allow sex in bedrooms and one sleepover a week. Mind, I don't have a dh so it was purely my decision.

As I said in my earlier post @Lostgirl81, a calm, honest conversation with your DH is required. Not just about the BF but about your differing expectations. You think one thing, he thinks another. The key question is: what does your dd want? If she is able to express this in a calm, mature way, then it is up to your DH to explain why he disagrees. All 3 of you need to communicate properly.

What's wrong with 2 18 year olds having sex!?

An 18 year old is entitled to privacy and to her own space in her home, in which she can do what she likes. Of course she is allowed her boyfriend, friends etc in her room. She also very much should have a bedroom door, for the fire safety reasons pp have given and also for her privacy. It's really unacceptable IMO that she doesn't have this.

You can discuss your terms for this adult privacy, e.g. friends to leave by X time, music up to Y volume, no takeaway waste left in the room, and no audible sex. But you cannot tell her what she can and can't do as an adult in her own private space. Very important you and DH accept this and fast.

It's a good idea to discuss this between you and DH and agree your house policies so you can apply them fairly to all DC. Ie the same for boys.

Uncomfortable or not, your DH can't just choose to ignore the fact that your DD is now an adult. He needs to switch his parenting and develop his equal adult relationship with her. Stop being the director and become part of the audience. Once he gets his head round it it's fine. But he needs to do it ... or risk a lot of conflict and possibly losing his relationship with her, and making life very difficult for you.

I think he’s finding it quite hard adjusting to her growing up and becoming independent. He’s not trying to control her as others keep insisting but rather protect her. I’m pretty sure that their age isn’t really the issue it’s more, like you say he’s having trouble thinking of her with a partner and not just as our daughter.
He’s only really had a few conversations with him so I can’t gauge whether he likes him or not. More, doesn’t like the idea of him.

That’s not protection. That is control.

If it was about protecting her then he’d be making a proper effort to get to know the lad. Thats how you protect people; you get to know their life and the people they bring into it. He’d be chatting to the lad and there would be dinners with everyone etc.

Control is simply saying no, and putting his food down. Protection is being involved and knowing the people, and being open and available safe space for your daughter. Not a controlling ogre.

I think that's ridiculous. The age of consent is 16 so after that age people should be allowed partners in their bedroom. Especially if they've been together for a year!
It won't stop them having sex. Presumably she can be in his room at his house?
Your husband needs to get over himself.

It is normal. 18 is the in-between years . Especially if living at home .
Lots of parents would be the same .

But by controlling her actions so that he can 'protect' her, he's infantalising her and he's sending the message to her that she can't make her own decisions or judgements. Parenting young adults is about giving them the confidence and education to make decisions on their own. If she thinks it's OK to be alone with her boyfriend, then it is, and you should support her decision.

Yep, and the fact the stepdad goes up to his own room to watch TV for the evening when the daughter and BF & OP are in the living room - he can't even stand to be in the same room as DD and BF - beyond weird - hes furious she has a BF. This isn't some random shag, its her loving bf of a YEAR -yet still stepdad is so angry he storms upstairs. weird. In a whole year he has made zero effort to adjust or come to terms with DD becoming a grown woman, why is that do you think OP?