Reposting under parenting as a better fit…
Sorry for the very long post!
I am typing this for support and guidance, not judgement so please, please be kind. I’m a 30 something married Mum of 2, to our 9 month old baby and our eldest is due to start school in September. Ever since having our second child I have been finding it increasingly hard to cope and feel a constant sense of overwhelm. My maternity leave ends next week and I feel sick to my stomach about turning to work, settling our baby into nursery, eldest at school and trying to balance it all.
I had an awful pregnancy and suffered with a number of medical issues. Sadly, I felt like my husband took this as an inconvenience on him as he had to step up and do a lot more for our eldest child and around the house etc. This had a seriously negative impact on our relationship and left me feeling very lonely and unsupported. Around the same time our eldests’ behaviour took a serious decline and is now to the point I would describe them as uncontrollable. I have been back and forth to the HV and GP who both agree it sounds like they have ADHD but I just get fobbed off about waiting until they’re at school and that they can’t help me.
Fast-forward to our baby being born and my relationship with my husband has broken down even more so to the point we’re now in marriage counselling to try and save our relationship. He feels unappreciated and like nothing he does is ever good enough and I feel like he priorities work over everything and invalidates/ignores my emotions and our eldest child’s emotions entirely. He dismisses me if I get upset and if I ever raise an issue he gets defensive and often gaslights me & makes me feel I’m to blame (IMO). He can be very short tempered and quite cold towards our eldest (his way of dealing with the issues we face with them I guess) so I’m always refereeing that and overcompensating to our eldest because their Dad has made a nasty comment or parented them in a way I don’t agree with. I feel like I’m bending over backwards to keep my husband happy and work on our marriage and he’s sat back letting me while he does F all to address his part to play in our issues.
Neither of our kids are good sleepers. They both wake multiple times a night and (up until recently) I was doing the vast majority of night wakes and 4.30am starts as my husband felt his sleep was a priority as he works. I had to ask for help a few weeks back as I was on the brink of total burnout, so now my husband is doing a lot more at night to help. The price I am paying for this is that my husband is now on the brink of what feels like a breakdown himself. He’s loosing his mind everytime the baby wakes, he’s shouting, screaming and punching things in the middle of the night. Not only is this situation defeating the object of him helping as I have to wake up and step in/take over. Then he wakes up the next morning in a foul mood with no thanks or appreciation for me stepping in (bear in mind I thank him endlessly and tell him how appreciated he is regularly!). So I now also feel like I’m having to manage his stress and emotions for him. As well as our child’s. With little time to even process my own let alone manage them!
My whole maternity has been a blur of struggles; marriage counselling, no sleep, sole responsibility of ALL the household duties and cooking AND managing an out of control 4 year old. Note I haven’t even mentioned looking after a baby! I have been carrying the burden of all of it while navigating the everyday struggles of having a young baby, the hormones etc. I don’t feel like I’ve stopped once to enjoy it and the stress has definitely impacted the bond with my baby.
My brain feels like it literally never switches off and could explode at any given moment and my main emotion seems to be rage at the moment. I get so overwhelmed with my constant to do list and the constant noise and the unknown of returning to work etc and our ‘new’ new. My husband knows about my concerns for returning to work and just tells me I don’t have a choice so essentially to get on with it. I haven’t told anyone how much i’m actually struggling. 1. because I know there will be no support from my own home and I will feel like a burden to my husband and 2. I’m terrified of the judgement from wider family, especially my in-laws who “don’t do” mental health issues. But the more time that passes the more it’s building and building and I don’t know what to do. I assume the GP will just shove some anti depressant down my throat but that’s not what I need. I need help managing the overwhelm and stress I feel I’m under and breaking this cycle.
Any help or suggestions welcome…