2 y/o TERRIFIED of baths

[hm4912]

My two year old has never been a fan of the bath/water in general. She’s never been too keen on pools/paddling pools and I don’t think she has ever had a bath that hasn’t ended in tears. Just recently she has been absolutely terrified, even the mention of going in the bath sets her off crying and she becomes hysterical in the bath “please mommy please” and asking for the towel. Sometimes she can be ok just sat in the bath, but as soon as we put the water on her body, especially her head, she goes into meltdown. We have tried everything, bath bombs/crayons, toys, I’ve been in the bath with her, showers, baths with cousins etc, she still ends up in tears.
My husband and MIL are a bit more brutal than me (which I don’t mind) and as far as they are concerned a bath is a non-negotiable and will dump the water on her as quick as possible to get her washed and out, but I really want her to start to enjoy the bath so it’s less stressful for everybody .

is this normal 2 y/o behaviour and do you think it will pass as it’s been such a long time, or do I need to try something else?

she is fearless outside of the bath so I have no concerns. She is absolutely fine as soon as she has her towel and is dried off. I have also asked if she can explain why she is scared (she is very good at talking) but she can’t tell me why.

My boy went through a big phase of this. We took the softly softly approach - we bathed him a couple of times a week, was careful with not getting water on his face as that seemed the main trigger, made sure there was something fun each bath - balloons in the bath was a big winner! We even did washes outside to just take some pressure off.

Anyways he's 5 now and grown out of it. Still doesn't like water on his face though!

Can you think of anything that might have set it off? My eldest went through a period of this when he was 2 after he did a poo in the bath. In the end I bought some Crayola bath tablets that turned the water different colours and let him choose what colour his bath would be every night. It took a while for him to get over it but the coloured water helped more than any bath toys or other distractions I tried.

I remember being like this. My very patient mother was happy to let me stand in the bath - wearing a vest - while she washed me with a face cloth. I have no idea how long it went on for....my own ds was similar - we washed his hair about every 3 weeks. He grew out of it at about 3 ish.

We had a big blow up yellow duck which created a small bath within our bath - might that help? Less water and more fun?

To be fair, if people are dumping water on her head she's entitled to be upset - I would hate that too. Get them to be more careful.

My sister was like and used to throw up with fear!

My mum stood her on a thick bath mat and sponge cleaned her with a flannel. It's really not a big faff to do.

I think she washed her hair about once a week by taking her in the shower with her and holding her on her hip.

After a bit, she just gradually reacclimatised her with "puddle baths" to play in, then deeper baths.

DSis is now in her 30s, swims every day, and generally sorts her own baths out 😁

DD1 had a phase of this. No noticeable cause or trigger. After it became clear the toys, crayons, moana soundtrack playing, swimming goggles etc. etc. weren’t working I took your DH/MIL’s approach. A daily bath isn’t necessary but every 2-3 days stood her in the tub and washed her as quickly as possible with the handheld shower ignoring any protests. Then after maybe a month of this we went on holiday, went to pick her up from kids club, they were having a pool party and there she was bobbing with armbands on and her head under a water spout having the time of her life. Never protested a shower/bath again. Kids are weird. It’s a phase and it’ll pass soon enough whatever you do or don’t do.

People “dump water on her” FFS there your problem.

Whatever set her off has probably been forgotten about and now she has a real fear because she is being covered in water and is terrified.

Think of your worst fear, snakes, spiders, whatever and even as an adult you’d freak out if someone held you down and poured a box worth over you. Yet it’s somehow ok to pour that child’s worst fear onto her! Your family are doing this horrible thing to her regularly like bullies. But because it’s about cleanliness somehow that means it’s ok.

Poor child.

It needs to stop and they need to be more gentle. I know it would try the patience of a saint but when someone is scared you try to give them small good quick experiences so they create good memories. Gradually building up to the thing they are scared of. ie spiders: book of spider photos in the same room, then on the table, then on the side table next to the person, then hold it, then touch the spider photo, then introduce a real one etc etc.

So with the bath stop washing her face in it. Let her sit in it and only wash areas shes ok with. Wipe her face elsewhere like in the kitchen or hall later on so it’s clean (but not in the bath at bath time that’s what she’s scared of). Wet facecloth elsewhere to clean her so she won’t be scared. Once shes happy in the bath then you can gradually work up to the bits she doesn't like.

If you rush it or your family is unable to restrain themselves you will undo any good you do with the gentle cleaning routine and you’ll be back to square one. Don’t let them near her at bath time. She’ll grow out if it but she shouldn’t be terrified of people that allegedly love her.

It sounds like she's scared of getting water on her face, which TBF is absolutely horrible if you don't feel in control of it, it probably activates some kind of drowning instinct. Can you make the bath shallow enough for her to lie back and do "mermaid hair washes"? Yes it's not ideal to rinse hair with bath water, but it gets the hair clean enough and it will help her feel more in control of baths. She may then be able to acclimatise to it later. She can wash her own face with a flannel if you fix a small mirror securely next to the bath.

DS1 was absolutely terrified of this, I tried all the magic devices to keep their face dry but nothing worked, he didn't stop being scared of it until he was about 6 and I bribed him with a massive Easter-egg sized Kinder egg to go through a gradual process where we started with pouring water on his back and slowly brought it further and further to the front of his head until we got to the point he could lean back. He was still scared, but it was gradual enough that he coped with it and then once he was used to that it was fine from then on - I just had to go at his pace. In hindsight, I reckon I probably could have done this earlier, from about age 4. It just didn't occur to me until later on. Previous to that we used to do a combination of avoiding hair washing for as long as humanly possible, keeping his hair short and using a flannel, just doing it as fast as possible and hoping the neighbours didn't think we were performing some terrible abuse, hoping he would grow out of it (which didn't happen).

The problem is that it feels incredibly counter-intuitive to them. They put their face down so that it's away from the water but they don't understand that because of gravity, the water will simply run around the sides and go right back into their face again. You can't explain this to a 2yo, they don't have the brain development to understand it.

The younger two children never went through the same fear. I did exactly the same with all three of them - started them off young with a countdown and then water poured on their heads. I've no idea what spooked DS1 unless it was something which happened with his dad after we split up. It was seeing how the other two never especially liked hair washes but didn't find it utterly traumatic in the way he did which made me think how extreme it was. He does have ADHD, so I do think sensory issues and emotional dysregulation (all his emotions were turned up to 11) played a part but DS2 has exactly the same with this and yet he copes with hair washes, just about.

It sounds like she's scared of getting water on her face, which TBF is absolutely horrible if you don't feel in control of it, it probably activates some kind of drowning instinct.
Exactly. And in fact that is exactly what waterboarding torture is all about.
Obviously not accusing the toddler's father and grandmother of waterboarding but the end result is probably not dissimilar.

One of mine went through a phase of this when she was around 2. Loved baths prior and never had an issue with water on her head. We also tried new toys etc as a distraction. Worked some days and not others but regardless we washed her hair (or poured water over her I suppose!), just did it as gently and as fast as possible but no way was I skipping daily baths or doing a sponge bath. She grew out of it soon enough, it will pass and possibly not much you can do in the meantime.

I had a kid with this and it turned into a real water phobia generally and its been hard getting him to progress with swimming. What's worked for us has been a gentle approach (the rough washing off hair against sounds awful- we got one of those hair washing visor hats to bypass this part) and making time in the bath a daily thing. You could try eating an ice cream cone in the bath without water, with a tiny dribble of water and lots of bubbles, a tiny bit of water and a tea set, at times when its not about needing to wash. I'd also suggest upping the swimming as the fear got harder for us as he got older.

My DS was like this. He would bath but not hair wash without hysteria. So I didn't wash his hair. I would sponge it while he washed tv. Maybe for a year. He was fine. In fact people often complimented me on his lovely hair! I wasn't going to terrorise him. No harm was done. Might have been even more than a year.

I would try to problem solve with her. Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child has this approach in and it has really helped these kind of situations for us. It's not magic but showing you accept the child's viewpoint seems to have really improved my son's behaviour.
I know she's only two so you'll have to do the talking mostly, but it will help her understand that you understand her feelings. And do not let DH and MIL undermine this by forcing her. She has to feel that her emotions are being taken seriously and her opinion is valid.
Tell her 'it seems we are having some difficulty with baths. You really hate going in it. My concern is, a bath is a really good way to get clean. And sometimes you do get very mucky from playing! Can you explain to me what is wrong?'. Depending on her speech she'll tell you, or you'll have to suggest things like it's too cold, it's scary, it hurts, and wait for her agreement or disagreement.
'I wonder if we can think of a way to fix this?' and then brainstorm possible solutions which work for you both. She gets to turn the taps on if the worry is too deep, she gets to wear a swimsuit if she dislikes being naked, she gets to bathe with you if she is scared- not saying these are what you should do, just what you could suggest to her to gauge her feelings. Suggest silly things too to get her to laugh, then say ah no I don't think bathing in baked beans would get you clean, yuk! All the suggestions etc will be very gently guided by you until you have worked out a plan. You could even write/draw it out so she can see how seriously you take it. Start very small- maybe only standing in empty bath being wiped. And when you do the bath, remind her what you agreed on, and agree that it can be revisited if something doesn't work.

Please don’t let her be held down and forced to bath- it is a horrible thing to do and will make things worse. When one of mine went through this I combined flannel washes with sitting in the bath with them in an inch of water , holding them safely and not letting the water touch them initially building it up very gradually until they were comfortable. I did some hair washes using no cry shampoo.

As I said upstream, I agree with this gentle approach, and it worked fine for me. My DS is now perfectly happy with baths, swimming, showers etc.

What's she like with a paddling pool? I know it isn't a long time solution but a paddling pool outside mite be more acceptable.

I wonder why she is scared? Of course she is!!!

My child was asked to chose bath or shower for the time they dould walk and went with that one

might not mite - sorry.

Dd1 went through a phase of this. Bath crsyond helped coax her.

Thanks all for your replies. I should add that DH and MIL haven’t always used this approach and her fear of the bath started long before this, but because we have struggled to clean her they have been doing this more recently, so it isn’t that that has caused the initial issue. Will try the gentle approach again and see if we get anywhere.

My dd was like this from birth. I’d give her one bath a week as anything else was too stressful for all involved (and just wash her in the meantime). As soon as she could stand she refused to sit down in the bath, and would scream the house down when getting her hair. DP once came bursting in angry that I was upsetting her, and when he had a bath with her ‘washed’ her hair by using his hands to tip bath-water over her hair as he refused to upset her.

Tha first time i took her swimming it was just after Lockdown when places were limited and we actually ended up having the pool to ourselves which I had aimed for as I didn’t want to disturb others. Bizarrely, she loved it!

Then, at 2.5 a friend put her in the bath with her older daughter and my dd loved it. I had to bathe with her from then on but she would sit down and, with the aid of a towel over her eyes let me do her hair without the fear of police being called by neighbours. She did go through a phase of wanting daily baths but her skin broke out so we stick to weekly, or more if needed. She even enjoys a shower now.

See a child psychogist if you can afford one, they’ll fix it in the safest / best way possible. Lots of children have completely irrational fears.

Both mine went through this at a similar age. We broke it by bathing them in the kitchen sink for a few weeks! They enjoyed the novelty of it and when we reintroduced the bath, they were fine!

Your DH and MiL might not have started it but they're sure making it a lot worse. She's terrified yet you allow them to 'dump water' on her because...?

2 year olds don't really get very dirty and until recently an all over wash with a flannel would have been quite enough. Wind right back from the bath for now and try some of the helpful suggestions on here. She's not doing it deliberately and you're going to have to do some work on regaining her confidence and trust. Dumping water on her won't help that.

Meh, they have to bathe. My DS2 was crazy after he had a cast on his leg and was waterphobic.

Just had to plonk him in despite the screams