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Original poster

Help! My ex is out partying the weekends he has our children

28 replies

ercax · 28/06/2025 22:18

Hey all,

help please! From a mumma who is seriously at her breaking point with it all! My ex and I broke up over 2 months ago. We have a 2 year old and 5 year old. He has the children every Tuesday night and every other weekend. The past month, he has been a let down continuously. The children had chickenpox and were very unwell (2 weeks apart) and he did nothing to help and didn’t even check in on them. Father’s Day weekend was his weekend with the children. He took his children to his mum’s for the weekend (lives an hour away and has to because he’s not allowed children in his bedsit on weekends). I found out through my son coming home and crying to me saying “daddy didn’t want to stay with us he went out with friends” the NIGHT before Father’s Day. He turned up after breakfast to them on Father’s Day. I had a go at him and specifically told him our son had cried because of this and that’s how I knew. Lo and behold here we are again, a weekend of his with the children and I have just seen on his sisters instagram that he is out partying at a rave when he is responsible for our children. He is dragging our children over an hour away every other weekend to just get them babysat by his parents. What if our children wake up crying? What if they want their daddy? What if they are unwell suddenly? Where is the responsibility in that? I know he will be very hungover tomorrow and probably on a come down (that’s what him and his sister do). I am sick of it. I would do anything to have my children here safe and sound with me where I am available to them 24/7. Where do I go from here? He has been let down after let down the past month but seeing what I’ve seen tonight has really pushed me past the breaking point of being “accepting” of this toxic behaviour. He is selfish and thinking of himself. You’d think a decent dad who doesn’t see his children much anymore would actually want to spend every minute being a dad.

SOS!!!!!!

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 28/06/2025 22:23

Is the contact Court Ordered?

Original poster
ercax · 28/06/2025 22:27

No court order yet. Have been trying to avoid court but there is no “co” parenting going on at all so I feel I am left without a choice at the moment. His excuse is always “we all deal with shit differently” and this is his way of dealing with the break up. You have every other weekend to yourself to do this. You’re choosing to do it on the weekend with your children too.

OP posts:
WandaVisionBoard · 28/06/2025 22:40

What a dick. He sounds a bit like my ex. Sorry op I don’t have any idea how to advise but didn’t want to read & run. Can you get some legal advice?

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Original poster
ercax · 28/06/2025 22:46

WandaVisionBoard · 28/06/2025 22:40

What a dick. He sounds a bit like my ex. Sorry op I don’t have any idea how to advise but didn’t want to read & run. Can you get some legal advice?

I honestly have never felt anger/upset like it. She is continuing to post (and honestly the only reason I’m following her is so I am aware of this stuff) and it’s a dingy rave in some horrible looking flat and he is choosing that over his children!!! I have no words.

I have always been scared to go down the legal route incase it ends up giving him more time then he already has but what else can I do? I’m at a lost. What did you do with your ex if you don’t mind my asking?

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 28/06/2025 22:46

Sounds like he’d be the same with or without the court order. The problem is that you just have to let them ‘parent’ their way. The kids eventually call them out and it then gets sorted properly. It’s a ridiculous scenario.

Maddy70 · 28/06/2025 22:48

It's up to him if he leaves then with his parents when they are in his care you might not like it or agree with it but as long as they are well looked after you can't do anything, that'll have a nice time with their grandparents

CarpetKnees · 28/06/2025 23:00

Presuming your dc are likely to be asleep at the time he is 'out' I can't see why them being babysat by their Grandparents should be an issue.

When my dc were little, dh and I would go out and get babysitters who weren't even related to us. That's a pretty normal thing to do.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/06/2025 23:47

I would ask him in writing what's going on and does he put them to bed and then head out etc

If you really believe it's harming your kids you don't have to send them without a court order, you could just say take them out for the day locally but he's ok to leave them with family in his time. I used to live with my parents who very occasionally babysat and I didn't take kindly to my ex commenting on that. I think you should make the most of your child free time at the weekends.

Itsawildworld85 · 29/06/2025 00:29

I'd probably say, if u want to go out save them being dragged about I don't mind having them. And hope he would leave them with me

Maddy70 · 29/06/2025 07:33

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. Children that age don't understand fathers day and he was with them for breakfast after being well cared for my their grandparents. I think it have your breakup head on. We all think we parent better than the other one. They are asleep when he's out. It's no Biggie really

Whocanresist · 29/06/2025 07:40

I wouldn’t worry about it too much as they are with their grandparents who they presumably know and they are safe. My dc used to love staying with their grandparents and still talk about their memories of those times now they are adults.

I know your ex is not parenting and acting like a prat but the children should be fine. It is probably time to firm up contact arrangements.

’Co-parenting’ is really hard especially when you have recently split up. My ex was horrendous and it does wind you up.

myplace · 29/06/2025 07:41

Don’t set your dc up to be disappointed. Don’t tell them what to expect at their dad’s- you don’t know what will happen. Father’s Day isn’t about breakfast. They can have an amazing time with their grandparents, build the connection with that side of the family, which is the point of contact with Dad.

If dad goes out when they’re in bed, or goes to the shops or anything else, as long as they are safe and cared for with grandparents, it’s ok. Far better than being left with randoms, or him partying around them.

CinnamonBuns67 · 29/06/2025 07:52

Whilst I understand you don't like it he has the right (the same as you) to leave the children with whomever he deems fit as long as they are safe people. A court won't order him to not go out on the weekends he has them, they won't be fussed that they've been left with grandparents. They aren't there to control what people do unless it is extremely detrimental to the children's welfare and being left with grandparents so Dad can go on a night out isn't one of those situations.

Velvian · 29/06/2025 07:57

I get that it is really annoying and unjust, but short of offering to keep them his weekends, there's not much you can do.

Seoidin · 29/06/2025 08:00

There is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing the children to see their grandparents and spending time there.

you have to try and look at it dispassionately. Your ex is probably annoying to you. ‘Over an hour away’ is not far. They are building a relationship with grandparents— a good thing, especially for children whose parents are not living together.

They need love and stability. You need to think about how to use the time they are away to create something fun and rewarding in your own life. Then this will become a non-issue.

MILisProfessorUmbridge · 29/06/2025 08:12

Look at a “right of first refusal” whereby if ex can’t have them then you do rather than him arranging childcare. If you do find out there elsewhere then you’re allowed to collect them.

familyornot · 29/06/2025 08:14

It must be so frustrating OP. I understand that you wouldn’t want to have the courts involved incase you end up having to have less time with them.

What is your relationship like with him? Could you not be a bit sneaky with how you deal with it? If he’s someone you can ‘chat’ with I’d definitely not let on that it upsets you. I’d maybe say that on the weekends he has plans to go out why doesn’t he leave them with you overnight and then just come and get them/visit for breakfast and the day? Make it all about his choice - I’d bet my life that he’d jump at not having to drive so far away to take them and then pick them up again when he’s most likely feeling the effects of his night out. The chances are he won’t make it to them at your house before lunch time, and that would be a shame when you’ve waited in for for long but then had to go out shopping/kids party/insert whatever excuse you feel would work. He won’t keep it up even if he does start out well. I wouldn’t show an ounce of anger/frustration at him, because ultimately it’s solving the issue.

I’d definitely be considering the grandparents in this though, are they elderly? Do they manage with the children? They may be feeling it’s a bit much or they might really enjoy it. Are you in a position to speak to them about visits once you’ve nipped the current situation in the bud?

It’s tricky OP but give it time. He won’t want to be travelling that far, his parents won’t want to be on child duties every other weekend and as long as you are showing willing to visits and being flexible he won’t see it as you stopping him from seeing them.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 29/06/2025 08:26

I wouldn't say anything. Your kids aren't alone they are with their grandparents. He can do what he wants during his time as long as he isn't a danger to the kids or a safeguarding risk.

I think you need to change your mindset on this. They are with their grandparents. We'll looked after, fed and watered and with responsible people who love them. Instead of telling them they are staying either dad tell them they are having an adventure with nanny.

Yes he's a waste of space, lazy, selfish wanker but he's their lazy, waste of space wanker. I don't think if you went to court he'd get less contact than he aleady has so I'd just leave it.

It you're worried about what happens in case of an emergency then makes use his parents have correct contact details for you and know they can contact you any time. Try and build a positive with them. Absolutely, never say anything negative to them about their kid just talk about the positive relationship they offer your kid.

m00rfarm · 29/06/2025 08:29

Presumably they are asleep when he is out? And his grandparents are reliable and good people that the children know well?

AnOldCynic · 29/06/2025 09:29

I think the point is that the following day he is in no fit state to parent after a night drinking (and drugs?).

What do the grandparents think about this? They are facilitating his behaviour. Does his sister also live with her mum and dad?

CarpetKnees · 29/06/2025 15:46

AnOldCynic · 29/06/2025 09:29

I think the point is that the following day he is in no fit state to parent after a night drinking (and drugs?).

What do the grandparents think about this? They are facilitating his behaviour. Does his sister also live with her mum and dad?

Sounds like you are projecting here, or just making stuff up ?

The OP has not said any such thing.

JohnofWessex · 29/06/2025 15:54

After my marriage broke up I used to have most of my 'contact' time with him at my mothers, they enjoyed time together and as she was getting old I did various errands for her.

Me to 4 year old We will call at Grannys and then go to the shop to get her stuff

DS No you go shopping I stay with Granny

Pateallday · 29/06/2025 17:46

CarpetKnees · 29/06/2025 15:46

Sounds like you are projecting here, or just making stuff up ?

The OP has not said any such thing.

Show quote history

The OP says her her first post she believes he'll be drinking/taking pills. If he chooses to outsource his parenting to his own parents for nights out then thats his choice, and I very much doubt OP will ever be able to prove what he's doing on nights out but it is awful if he's doing that and then looking after his kids the morning after.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 29/06/2025 17:50

Sadly in what has become his time he can do what he wants. And a judge would allow it.
Ime.

swimsong · 29/06/2025 18:03

Whocanresist · 29/06/2025 07:40

I wouldn’t worry about it too much as they are with their grandparents who they presumably know and they are safe. My dc used to love staying with their grandparents and still talk about their memories of those times now they are adults.

I know your ex is not parenting and acting like a prat but the children should be fine. It is probably time to firm up contact arrangements.

’Co-parenting’ is really hard especially when you have recently split up. My ex was horrendous and it does wind you up.

I agree with you - but has coparenting changed its meaning over the years? I coparented my son in the 90s when it was quite rare and specifically referred to 50/50 time - 4 nights one week and 3 the next. The OP's situation I would describe as a contact arrangement.