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Original poster

Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

223 replies

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 14:57

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

OP posts:
Dessertinthedesert · 02/10/2023 15:00

Just because you think you could put something aside doesn't mean she is able to. Everyone experiences grief differently. Did you send your condolences when she lost her baby?

catsnore · 02/10/2023 15:01

Give her some time. Although it's hurtful for you, she is grieving and cannot help feeling upset.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/10/2023 15:01

I don’t think there is anything you can do. Are they acting childish- yes and no.

It must be so hard for her - and then- to be around or hear about babies right now. I don’t think it’s personal it’s just them coping with the pain. Hopefully she gets pregnant soon (baby dust) and things go back to a new normal. Congratulations on your baby ☺️

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WimpoleHat · 02/10/2023 15:02

This must be very raw for her. Cut her a bit of slack for a few months and see how things go; it’s easy to say you could cope when you’re not the one who’s been in that position. Similar thing happened to a friend of mine and she found it very difficult to cope with for a long time.

LydiaTomos · 02/10/2023 15:02

I'm afraid you have to try harder to understand what they've been through. It's over 12 years since I had a miscarriage, and I still struggle to look at ultrasound pictures.

You have your baby now, try to be a little sympathetic.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2023 15:03

It's all well and good you saying you would put this aside, but until you are in this situation you couldn't possibly imagine.

RedToothBrush · 02/10/2023 15:03

Just give them time and understand it's not about you. It's about their grief and not coping.

Don't expect them to play happy families when they are not a happy family.

Guessguess · 02/10/2023 15:04

A miscarriage isn't something everyone can just put aside. I was very very depressed and suicidal after mine and took a very long time to feel even semi normal again. I had 6 months off work, I couldn't have interacted with someone pregnant or been around a baby for a long time. It sounds like hers was only a few months ago? Give her time and understanding and try and genuinely imagine if it was the other way around if you'd honestly be able to act normal with her

PurBal · 02/10/2023 15:04

She’s grieving. People deal with grief in different ways. Give her time.

Notagains · 02/10/2023 15:05

It's not necessarily resentment she is hurting and maybe seeing you with your child makes the pain worse. Perhaps she is staying away because she doesn't want to bring you down too.
I think you need to give her and your brother time. You have a well baby theirs died. its a very difficult situation for them.

SBHon · 02/10/2023 15:06

Why are you putting this all on your SIL when your brother is a closer relative and hasn’t been in touch either?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2023 15:07

SBHon · 02/10/2023 15:06

Why are you putting this all on your SIL when your brother is a closer relative and hasn’t been in touch either?

It's always the case on these threads. Men seem to get a pass because they aren't expected to even have feelings, let alone have to put them aside to be kind.

Sexism at its finest.

HermioneWeasley · 02/10/2023 15:07

My brother sent us a set of mugs with our new nephews footprints on a few weeks after my wife’s miscarriage. She threw hers on the floor.

give her space. You’ve got everything you wanted and she’s grieving. With respect, you don’t know how you would react if you haven’t been through it.

DivingForLove · 02/10/2023 15:08

You don’t know you could “put it aside” unless you’d been there. I’ve had 4 m/cs and I couldn’t be around newborns at that time - it’s a devastating loss.

Give her time.

HatandCat · 02/10/2023 15:10

Their baby died. Your new baby reminds them of what could’ve/ should’ve been their new life with a new baby, but now it’s edging towards what would’ve been their baby’s due date they’re probably still grieving.

Give them some space, hopefully one day when they have their own baby you’ll be able to put aside your resentment and forge a close relationship between the cousins

RomeoMcFlourish · 02/10/2023 15:10

4 years since I had a miscarriage, and have been very lucky to have had a successful pregnancy since. But even now, when I’m reminded of it, by a child that would have been a similar age, or a friend who is at a similar stage of pregnancy as I was then, it just takes my breath away and I’m suddenly back in that moment where I was told my baby had died. I’ll always remember every detail of the whole process I had to go through, and it was incredibly painful, both physically and emotionally. You have no idea unless you’ve been through it. Don’t expect her to put her pain aside to suit you.

VerasRaincoat · 02/10/2023 15:10

Oh my god. I bet you have been whining to your parents too. You do not get infant/pregnancy loss until you have lived it. And even if you have lived it, everyone’s response to grief is different. I couldn’t bear to be around babies, or hear about babies after my losses, even while pregnant with my now living baby. I still am traumatised by my time in the trenches of infertility and loss.

you had a traumatic birth. So did I. I would NEVER expect my friends or family who have had a loss to be the people I’d expect to support me through that. You have a partner and parents, lean on them or get a therapist.

Argh, people like you hypothesising how you’d handle pregnancy loss and fertility drive me nuts.

try following a few pregnancy loss and infertility groups so that you can get a handle on how to interact with your brother.

if you don’t want to permanently ruin your relationship with your brother, try and gain some insight to the pain that couple are in.

DuploTrain · 02/10/2023 15:10

You seem to be putting all the expectations on your SIL. Your DB should be taking on the responsibility to keep in touch, even if SIL feels she can’t at the moment. Yes I know he has suffered a loss too, but it’s not exactly the same.

In terms of what to do - well there’s nothing you can do. She wants some space, so let her have it. Has your DB come to visit you and the baby?

chillin12 · 02/10/2023 15:12

I have to be honest and go against the grain here. Of course, only SIL knows how she’s feeling, but, I don’t think its fair to treat you “coldly,” as her situation is not your fault. If she wants to keep her distance to cope, that’s absolutely fine and fair enough to her, but I don’t think it’s fair to act coldly. Or she could be honest and tell you she’s still struggling so just wants to maintain some distance, and at the least, just ask how you’re doing, given you are family. This is assuming you have a decent relationship and you were also supportive towards her after her miscarriage. If SIL doesn’t want to reach out, at least your brother should’ve made some effort to say congrats for his new niece.

Laurabeee · 02/10/2023 15:13

I had three miscarriages and couldn’t cope with anything baby related. Even though I now have a baby I still feel very emotional about the time that went before. I found the only people who understood were other people who had been through it. She is probably in a very sad place just now so if you can, please be patient and kind to her.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 02/10/2023 15:14

You have your baby - they don't. That's all they will focus on. Miscarriages are hideous.

Original poster
Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:16

ouch

OP posts:
chillin12 · 02/10/2023 15:18

chillin12 · 02/10/2023 15:12

I have to be honest and go against the grain here. Of course, only SIL knows how she’s feeling, but, I don’t think its fair to treat you “coldly,” as her situation is not your fault. If she wants to keep her distance to cope, that’s absolutely fine and fair enough to her, but I don’t think it’s fair to act coldly. Or she could be honest and tell you she’s still struggling so just wants to maintain some distance, and at the least, just ask how you’re doing, given you are family. This is assuming you have a decent relationship and you were also supportive towards her after her miscarriage. If SIL doesn’t want to reach out, at least your brother should’ve made some effort to say congrats for his new niece.

I do sincerely hope they also have a successful pregnancy and baby, eventually. It sounds like a way of them coping with their grief so they must need time. It sounds like it’s put you in an awkward position as to what to do, but you probably just need to wait. Or maybe you can contact your brother or parents to see what to do.

Original poster
Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:22

I rarely post in forums because of ‘ people like you ‘ - you are being incredibly judgemental and making assumptions

OP posts:
Millybob · 02/10/2023 15:26

HermioneWeasley · Today 15:07

My brother sent us a set of mugs with our new nephews footprints on a few weeks after my wife’s miscarriage. She threw hers on the floor.

Insensitivity aside - but who on earth would want a set of mugs - a set, mind, not just one - with footprints of someone else's kid????