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Original poster

Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

223 replies

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 14:57

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 03/10/2023 10:07

Bandolina · 03/10/2023 08:59

A long time ago my sister (who I adore) and I were pregnant at the same time. I had lots of fantasies of how lovely it would be to give birth at the same time and the kids grow up together but sadly I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I'd already had one miscarriage

So then the whole time during her pregnancy I was dealing with the loss of our baby but also the fear that I would never be able to carry a live baby to term. We'd been trying at least 2 years with no live baby by then. At that time in my life I found it hard to see any pregnant women or babies even ones on formula ads gave me the rage. I felt incredibly sad and honestly angry and jealous overlaid with guilt that I knew my feelings were my own fault and not reasonable at all but I still had them

Despite the fact that I am really close to my sister and wanted to be happy for her I found it really really hard to see her. It's bringing tears to my eyes to think of it even now. I had to force myself to go and meet my nephew when he was born. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to put a brave face on it. I worried I would cry and embarrass myself that's how bad I felt.

Actually it was a relief. I held him and I knew he wasn't mine and weirdly I felt OK with it after that. It probably helped that I was pregnant again by then although I had no hope at all that it would work out after 2 miscarriages.
Fortunately it did and the 2 cousins are best of friends now and beg to see each other and my sister and I are as close as ever but it was a strange and horrible time in my life

I never told my sister exactly how I felt because I was ashamed of how unreasonable it was and didn't want to spoil her happiness but I expect she noticed and knew why. I couldn't even talk to my mum because it would have been like asking her to choose sides. If anyone did ask how I was I expect I tried to pretend I was OK. Avoidance was much easier.

So basically, as others have said, please cut her some slack. It's not just the loss it's the ongoing pain and worries about infertility. She's likely avoiding you because she isn't capable of feeling unconditionally happy for you. Please be kind. It's a special kind of pain when having a baby seems easy to others and isn't working out for you.

I think you sum it up well. Particularly the fear of ongoing infertility, it would still hurt but I would imagine if SIL knew she'd have a healthy baby in her arms in 12 months time that hurt would be easier to manage.

I'm glad it worked out well for you, wanting a baby when it isn't happening is so hard and to have one snatched away must be even harder.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 11:07

Side note…an 8 week old miscarriage is not an “early” miscarriage to the PP who said it was. By 8 weeks baby has a heartbeat and most miscarriages happen before that. They may well have already had a private scan and seen their baby and listened to their heartbeat

It is most definitely an early miscarriage to those of us who have had one AND one at 20 weeks. It's not a baby at 7 weeks, saying that "their baby died" at 7 weeks is actually somehwhat offensive.

wednamenov · 03/10/2023 11:22

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/10/2023 18:51

To those people who have sadly had miscarriages - would it have helped to have the tension and difficulty acknowleged? Like, I understand this must be such a difficult time for you, I love you and miss you and wish you the best. Or would have it made it worse if someone had said that to you?

I had a couple of unbelievably insensitive comments after the first one which made things a million times worse, so I only told the people who were absolute closest to me about subsequent miscarriages. My parents and sister, husband and two close friends. Absolutely no one else at all. People say the stupidest things, not even knowing they're magnifying pain - possibly even thinking they're being nice. And politeness requires you to somehow smile and nod even though you just want to sob. It's so cruel. I found it better for myself to not allow the possibility of that to occur.

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TheBirdintheCave · 03/10/2023 11:44

@whatnot929 I'm so sorry that you had to experience a late miscarriage but that doesn't mean you get to decide what the cut off date for grief is. Did you just shrug and carry on with life when you had your early miscarriage? How would you feel if someone who had suffered a still birth said the same thing to you about your 20 week miscarriage?

My nine week old pregnancy was a baby. I saw it's heart beat. It had a body. It had arms and legs. It was a baby.

Once again for the people in the back. GRIEF IS NOT A CONTEST.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 11:57

I didn't say I was deciding what the cut off date for grief was. I said its not the same thing, and its offensive to say "their baby died" when they had a m/c at 7 weeks!

No, grief is not a contest, but not everything is the same. A stubbed toe is not a broken leg and an early m/c is not the same thing as having your baby actually die.

TheBirdintheCave · 03/10/2023 12:14

@whatnot929 Well, then I'm happy to offend you in this instance. My baby's life meant just as much to me as yours did to you. A life is a life. It's not the same as a stubbed toe versus a broken leg.

FloweryName · 03/10/2023 12:21

As awful as grief is, and I know because I have experienced way more than my fair share, it is not an excuse to be blatantly rude to people at weddings.

I would forget the relationship with her OP, she has already added stress and upset to a time that is supposed to be special for you.

No doubt that if/when she does get her baby she will expect you to forget all about how you were treated and behave as if nothing happened, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive my own baby’s birth being treated as if it were a bad thing.

It doesn’t take much to be polite, even if you have to cry about it later.

TheBirdintheCave · 03/10/2023 12:26

@whatnot929 Also, it's probably worth pointing out that I'm not trying to suggest what we went through is the same (or minimise how you feel) just that you can't dismiss someone else's grief (or say that their loss wasn't a living baby) just because you had a later loss.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/10/2023 12:30

Grief is such a weird thing, it can hit you in ways you never ever imagined and it really lasts a lifetime. The volume/tone of it may rise and fall but it doesn't go.

I am very fortunate I have two healthy children - teen and 10 year old. The year before I had my 10 year old I was pregnant with twins - I lost the first in the pregnancy at week 9 week and the second in week 15.

My colleague was pregnant at the same time, she delivered her little one on my due date. My two living children arrived on their due dates so in my head it was to be my little ones date. I still have moments every now and again when my colleague mentions a milestone (over a decade since) and it actually physically hurts.

I didn't visit her when the baby arrived ( I sent a gift and message). But I was really floored by my emotions - it was like this arrival became a focus and a very painful reminder.

I appreciate you have had your own pain - but that doesn't give an insight into someone elses. Even after I went on to have a further child I still struggled being around babies.

Iwasafool · 03/10/2023 12:50

wednamenov · 03/10/2023 11:22

I had a couple of unbelievably insensitive comments after the first one which made things a million times worse, so I only told the people who were absolute closest to me about subsequent miscarriages. My parents and sister, husband and two close friends. Absolutely no one else at all. People say the stupidest things, not even knowing they're magnifying pain - possibly even thinking they're being nice. And politeness requires you to somehow smile and nod even though you just want to sob. It's so cruel. I found it better for myself to not allow the possibility of that to occur.

Show quote history

People just don't think do they. I had repeated threatened miscarriages with one of my children, thankfully it was all OK in the end. A woman I worked with had a DIL who was due the same week as me and the same thing was happening to her but sadly she did actually lose the baby in the end. I came back to work after a week of bed rest and she told me the sad news. I sympathised and she said it was probably for the best because nature knows best and there must have been something wrong with the baby. I couldn't even reply but I was obviously anxious anyway and this made it worse and when the baby was born I was convinced there was something wrong with him which was hilarious as he was a big healthy baby.

I remember lying in the post natal ward and if I saw two midwives talking I'd think they were discussing what was wrong with my baby and I'd expect them to come over and break the news to me. It was weeks before I actually accepted that he was fine.

A stupid remark and she will never know the pain she caused me.

SpringViolet · 03/10/2023 13:12

As someone who did have an actual baby die at 32 weeks of pregnancy and then had to give birth to her, experience the pain of my milk coming in and the empty arms, your SIL is being disgustingly rude and nasty. She could have at least given you a quick call to congratulate you and said she’d visit as soon as she could. Your brother is obviously stuck in the middle.

An emotionally healthy person can differentiate between themselves having an early miscarriage and a close family member having a baby which is completely unrelated. I have to say in my experience. women who behave like this generally have narcissistic, attention seeking personalities who hate it that some else has got what they wanted.

I had a close friend find out she was pregnant about a month after losing my DD, she was afraid to tell me and felt that I needed support around me when she did, so gathered family together! Told me very solemnly. I thought she was totally batshit as I was delighted for her and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. My baby was gone, her having one didn’t change that and I never would have wanted anyone to experience what I did.

TheBirdintheCave · 03/10/2023 13:22

@SpringViolet I'm so sorry you had to go through that :(

Perhaps OPs SIL is not an emotionally healthy person though? We don't really have enough information to judge. I have infertility problems including recurrent miscarriage, alongside ASD, anxiety, depression... all of which played a part in my shut down reaction to my brother and sister in law's healthy pregnancy last year. That doesn't make me narcissistic or attention seeking though? 🤔

I took me a fair few weeks but I did eventually initiate contact again long before my nephew was born and we all have a lovely relationship still.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 13:28

TheBirdintheCave · 03/10/2023 12:26

@whatnot929 Also, it's probably worth pointing out that I'm not trying to suggest what we went through is the same (or minimise how you feel) just that you can't dismiss someone else's grief (or say that their loss wasn't a living baby) just because you had a later loss.

Well you can say their loss wasn't a living baby....as it wasn't. That's just a fact.

BethDuttonsTwin · 03/10/2023 13:36

@Iwasafool

"I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us"

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 15:18

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 11:57

I didn't say I was deciding what the cut off date for grief was. I said its not the same thing, and its offensive to say "their baby died" when they had a m/c at 7 weeks!

No, grief is not a contest, but not everything is the same. A stubbed toe is not a broken leg and an early m/c is not the same thing as having your baby actually die.

It is a baby. Mine was a baby. Yes I was lucky to lose two earlier than ten weeks rather than experience one later but they were still our babies.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 15:23

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 15:18

It is a baby. Mine was a baby. Yes I was lucky to lose two earlier than ten weeks rather than experience one later but they were still our babies.

Show quote history

To you, in your mind, maybe. But as matter of fact, no. At 7 weeks (which is actually 5 weeks development) its categorically not a baby. It's a dot, its the size of a blueberry. It's not even a foetus at that stage, it's still an embryo, and would be for several more weeks.
It's a potential baby. You can feel however you feel but fact is fact.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 16:06

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 15:23

To you, in your mind, maybe. But as matter of fact, no. At 7 weeks (which is actually 5 weeks development) its categorically not a baby. It's a dot, its the size of a blueberry. It's not even a foetus at that stage, it's still an embryo, and would be for several more weeks.
It's a potential baby. You can feel however you feel but fact is fact.

Show quote history

Only a person lacking in compassion would say to a woman they didn't lose a baby. I am sorry for your loss but you shouldn't minimise that of others. Right now I should be preparing for another baby and getting all excited. Instead we are not.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 16:08

It doesn't say anything at all about compassion, I have plenty of that. But it's a matter of fact, not opinion. It's not a baby. It's an embryo.
Only a person lacking in compassion would say "their baby died" about a 5 week embryo.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 16:21

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 16:08

It doesn't say anything at all about compassion, I have plenty of that. But it's a matter of fact, not opinion. It's not a baby. It's an embryo.
Only a person lacking in compassion would say "their baby died" about a 5 week embryo.

It is not a competition. 5 weeks, 15 weeks, 25 weeks whatever I will say "sorry for the loss of your baby".

applesandmares · 03/10/2023 16:26

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 16:08

It doesn't say anything at all about compassion, I have plenty of that. But it's a matter of fact, not opinion. It's not a baby. It's an embryo.
Only a person lacking in compassion would say "their baby died" about a 5 week embryo.

Okay this is a really semantic argument now but a baby doesn't factually become a baby until birth. Until that point, it is various things (I.e zygote, blastocyst, embryo, foetus) but not scientifically a baby. That said, I would never tell you or anyone else that lost a pregnancy before birth, that they didn't lose a baby.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 16:44

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 16:21

It is not a competition. 5 weeks, 15 weeks, 25 weeks whatever I will say "sorry for the loss of your baby".

Show quote history

OK but its not a baby and you might actually be offending some people.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:23

It’s a baby to the woman/couple who have lost it -no-one in their right mind would say ‘so sorry for the loss of your foetus’, or ‘so sorry for the loss of your embryo’. Unless you really wanted to offend or show yourself to be completely devoid of sensitivity, that is.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:31

SirChenjins · 03/10/2023 17:23

It’s a baby to the woman/couple who have lost it -no-one in their right mind would say ‘so sorry for the loss of your foetus’, or ‘so sorry for the loss of your embryo’. Unless you really wanted to offend or show yourself to be completely devoid of sensitivity, that is.

Edited

You wouldn't say any of those things. You'd say "sorry for your loss".
Although actually, almost everyone says nothing at all, in my experience. Which often is better. Other people putting their ideas all over your loss doesn't help.

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:31

It’s a baby to the woman/couple who have lost it

And it's not, actually, to a large number of us. Don't tell us how we feel.

applesandmares · 03/10/2023 17:40

whatnot929 · 03/10/2023 17:31

It’s a baby to the woman/couple who have lost it

And it's not, actually, to a large number of us. Don't tell us how we feel.

Were any of your losses babies to you?