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Original poster

Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

223 replies

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 14:57

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

OP posts:
Ahnobother · 02/10/2023 18:32

Congratulations on your baby. I hope you're recovering from the birth.
Once I was the SIL in this situation. I found it really difficult. I was definitely irrationally mad at my SIL for having a baby that I should have had. One of my own family told me firmly but kindly that there wasn't an infinite number of babies and that I should dig deep, visit and congratulate them and then go home and scream as loudly as I wanted.
I did and I'm glad I did because it made me realise that their baby was their blessing, not something stolen from me. I was still grieving my own losses and tbh the only thing that sort of fixed that was having a successful pregnancy.
So I think you have to try and put your feelings to one side for the moment. Keep the door open as PP said but recognise that sometimes we are all just doing our very best to keep going and when you have a miscarriage it can knock you very very far off the course you want to be on. I hope they get pregnant soon and I also wish you and your new family the very best.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 02/10/2023 18:41

TheBirdintheCave · 02/10/2023 17:55

@Raincloudsonasunnyday Losing a much wanted baby is not a mundane occurrence on an individual level even if it is scientifically.

Humans are complicated creatures. We all grieve in different ways.

I've had three miscarriages and did have to distance myself from my brother and his wife for a few weeks when they announced their pregnancy which went on to be successful.

We do all grieve various losses in different ways. But grief does not excuse us from the basic courtesy of “congrats on the birth of your child”. It might explain certain lapses, but not excuse it.

If my SIL gave birth at the start of August, and I had miscarried the preceding December or so, I don’t think I’d have any reason for being utterly silent still today, the start of October, 10 months later. It’s the first grandchild in the family. My silence would be all about not being able to set aside my grief for even the minute it takes to send a text. And if it is, so be it. But that doesn’t mean other people can’t be allowed to draw their own conclusions, feel their own feelings.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2023 18:42

RichardArmitagesWife · 02/10/2023 18:26

Like @Pallisers and other PP, I've had several miscarriages between 6 and 12 weeks.

They are incredibly common, it's why people traditionally didn't tell people before the end of the first trimester. Up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80% of those are in the first 13 weeks. They surely were aware of this?

I think your SIL and brother are being rude and self-indulgent. Yes, they are hurt that the pregnancy didn't progress. That's very sad for them and I empathise - I've been there three times. I cried, I moved on.

Unless there's a drip feed of multiple losses and difficulties conceiving, refusing to acknowledge a sister's child because of a 7 week pregnancy ended is not normal, it's wallowing.

It's a known statistic that one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetimes. Does that mean we can't get sad about that when it affects our families?

Knowing the statistical likelihood of something doesn't ease pain.

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wednamenov · 02/10/2023 18:46

I wonder if there are people out there who thought these things about me when I had my miscarriages? They nearly broke me.

I couldn't handle being in anyones company, never mind someone with a newborn. I had no one to talk to who could really really understand and dreaded hearing: 'You need to just relax', or, 'When you stop expecting it it will happen', etc etc. And feeling compelled to smile and chat like all was ok.

So I just stayed at home and kept myself to myself. And cried. A lot. DH secretly went onto my Facebook and hid any posts of friends who were having babies, or showing off their babies, because seeing them tore me up. Possibly lots of announcements I missed and was judged for.

I do have two DC now, but I still look back on those days as the absolute darkest and hardest in my life. Also the most shocking. I didn't have a clue, until it happened to me, how unbelievably painful it was.

PeppermintMandy · 02/10/2023 18:47

Goldfish41 · 02/10/2023 18:23

It is amazing how people extrapolate out from a post - I’m not aiming at the quoted one in particular but it is an example of filling in details that aren’t there in the OP. PP doesn’t know that the worst the OP is experiencing is not getting a card (and actually being cut off by people close to you is a little more than that) and doesn’t know anything about SIL’s behaviour beyond one adjective used about one occasion. I think this is why OP is getting upset about people making assumptions, with good reason IMO. No one can put every detail in a post as people wouldn’t read it, the amount of people who’ve jumped on her for “not even sending condolences” for example when she’s since clarified she did.

Can people just remember that this is someone post partum after a traumatic birth? While most posters have been been reasonably gentle, there are others who have been downright nasty.

This is a complex situation, and assumptions and insults don’t help at all.

I had a close friend who cut me and another friend off completely when we were pregnant, she had had miscarriages. I got it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. It’s not OP’s fault she had a healthy baby (though it sounds like that wasn’t completely smooth sailing) and to not even have an acknowledgement of the birth from your own brother must feel extremely difficult.

I do agree that you need to try and just give them time OP, but it’s totally understandable that you are finding this hard and hurtful.

Show quote history

You have extrapolated yourself. Who said the couple have “cut OP off” just because they haven’t been in touch in 8 weeks? They live far away so haven’t visited. That’s reasonable. So it’s the lack of a card or text/call that’s an issue.

OP has also made assumptions by describing her SIL as “resentful”.

Not having an acknowledgment from your own brother is hurtful yet it’s the SIL who is mentioned again and again for some reason.

OP can’t put every detail in a post but the SIL hasn’t had the opportunity to put ANY details forward.

The best any stranger on the internet can do is give their personal interpretation and there are now plenty of reply’s from people explaining how painful emotionally miscarriage is. How future fertility after miscarriage is not guaranteed and will be on SIL’s mind and how she very well could still be physically suffering from her miscarriage still. She’ll also being dealing with bullshit like the crap other posters have said about “8 weeks pfffft that’s nothing”.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/10/2023 18:51

To those people who have sadly had miscarriages - would it have helped to have the tension and difficulty acknowleged? Like, I understand this must be such a difficult time for you, I love you and miss you and wish you the best. Or would have it made it worse if someone had said that to you?

TenderChicken · 02/10/2023 18:52

I'm not sure why having a miscarriage is a free pass to be utterly shitty to those around you. I could understand keeping a distance, but to be actively cold and not acknowledge the birth of your niece is terrible behaviour.

If they go on to have a successful pregnancy, are you all to pretend they weren't horrible towards the end of yours?

Babyghirl · 02/10/2023 18:53

@HermioneKipper
That meant just cause you felt OK to see pregnant women and babies doesn't mean other people are strong enough, I hide away to protect my mh as it was diving in the wrong direction, to me it was what I needed to do, and you know what it was the best thing I done, cause if I didn't protect myself no one else was going to.

wherehastheyeargone · 02/10/2023 18:54

I feel for you OP. There's nothing easy about this situation.
I lost 4 pregnancies before having my son. During that time it seemed like everyone (and their granny!) was falling pregnant / having babies. I cannot describe the ache and longing that I felt on top of the physical trauma of the losses. I always took the view that my sadness didn't mean other people weren't entitled to their joy. However, I cannot tell you how exhausted I was putting on a 'I'm fine' mask for other people. In hindsight, I should actually have been more honest and protected myself better. I done such a good job of 'being ok' that my family were so shocked when I finally crumbled. It didn't occur to them I was actually traumatised. And we're tight knit. Your SIL is being rude, but, I understand where she is coming from. She's too raw and cannot mask it.
My son is now 4 and I'm beyond grateful to have him. But, I still live with the trauma of my losses. I just know how to cope with it better now.
All this is to say, congratulations on your baby. Your SIL needs time and I hope she can be accountable when that happens. I would suggest that being open and honest with communication might help. Ie, let them know that you're sad to not have seen them. But, that you are open to a visit when they're ready. Maybe somewhere like a park for a walk to make it less intense and less pressure to hold baby.
I know you were just providing context but I'd avoid a 'tit for tat' with them about how you've not had it easy either. You have a baby, they won't hear you and it'll just make it worse.

Comeoncarol · 02/10/2023 18:56

Hi OP. I am going against the grain here. Everyone grieves differently and your DSIL is grieving for the baby she has lost but I think it is unfair of her to act coldly towards you when you were close before your pregnancies. I totally understand she doesn't want to meet you or her niece. Give her time.
I unfortunately lost my Baby boy at birth to an infection. He lived for 3 and a half hours before he died. I then had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and it was devastating and heartbreaking. I couldn't believe my healthy baby died to a treatable infection and then had a miscarriage. I had 2 friends who were were pregnant. They had their babies and I remembered feeling so lost and over whelmed. We were all very close and we still are 13 years on. I did visit my friends babies when they were 1 month old. We cried and I felt happy for them but sad for me but there babies weren't my son and I wanted to watch them grow up. I was very lucky as I went on to have another baby boy 18 months after my other son died. It is very hard. Grief can be horrendous. Congratulations on your baby girl and I hope your SIL will be back in your lives in the future.

pinkyredrose · 02/10/2023 18:58

do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside

Would you? Would you really?

IfYouDontAsk · 02/10/2023 19:05

Congratulations on your baby, OP, and I’m very sorry to hear that you had a very traumatic birth. I hope you have support around you to help you heal from that physically and emotionally. I’m sorry too that so many people on here have been so dismissive of the fact that you’ve been through a traumatic experience just because “you got your baby” at the end of it.

I think your brother and sister in law have behaved appallingly. Treating you coldly when you’ve done nothing wrong is horrible and unjustified. I imagine if they’d sent you a message saying “congratulations on the baby, I’m afraid it’s too painful for us to be around you and the baby right now but we wish you all well” then that would have been ok with you. They could have taken steps to protect themselves during a very painful time in their lives without being shitty towards you.

wherehastheyeargone · 02/10/2023 19:05

To those people who have sadly had miscarriages - would it have helped to have the tension and difficulty acknowleged? Like, I understand this must be such a difficult time for you, I love you and miss you and wish you the best. Or would have it made it worse if someone had said that to you?

I found it made things 100% easier. It takes away the awkwardness if things are transparent. It was also nice for my feelings to be acknowledged and not have to kid on that everyone was ok.

Babyghirl · 02/10/2023 19:07

@pinkyredrose
That's coming from someone who has never been through a loss to know how she would feel.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/10/2023 19:09

Thanks @wherehastheyeargone - I kind of thought that may be the case, but did not want to presume since it has not happened to me. Maybe OP could reach out like that, leaving to the SIL and brother to get in touch when they feel they can.

Goldfish41 · 02/10/2023 19:11

PeppermintMandy · 02/10/2023 18:47

You have extrapolated yourself. Who said the couple have “cut OP off” just because they haven’t been in touch in 8 weeks? They live far away so haven’t visited. That’s reasonable. So it’s the lack of a card or text/call that’s an issue.

OP has also made assumptions by describing her SIL as “resentful”.

Not having an acknowledgment from your own brother is hurtful yet it’s the SIL who is mentioned again and again for some reason.

OP can’t put every detail in a post but the SIL hasn’t had the opportunity to put ANY details forward.

The best any stranger on the internet can do is give their personal interpretation and there are now plenty of reply’s from people explaining how painful emotionally miscarriage is. How future fertility after miscarriage is not guaranteed and will be on SIL’s mind and how she very well could still be physically suffering from her miscarriage still. She’ll also being dealing with bullshit like the crap other posters have said about “8 weeks pfffft that’s nothing”.

Edited
Show quote history

After having a close relationship, complete silence for months as the OP describes and not having received any acknowledgment of her birth, not even a message, is being cut off - even if temporarily, cutting off doesn’t have to be permanent. I’ve been on the sharp end of that while pregnant and it certainly feels like being cut off. It’s not about a card, as the OP has made clear, it’s the loss of the relationship that she’s feeling.

Anyway as I said, I was not trying to pick on your post, a lot of posters have assumed a lot about the OP and the SIL here and I was trying to illustrate that. Sorry if it seemed I was targeting you in particular, I just don’t think people should be piling on OP in the way some (not you) are, this is not a black and white situation, people on all sides are vulnerable here.

RichardArmitagesWife · 02/10/2023 19:12

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2023 18:42

It's a known statistic that one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetimes. Does that mean we can't get sad about that when it affects our families?

Knowing the statistical likelihood of something doesn't ease pain.

Show quote history

Oh come on, a 7 week miscarriage isn’t in the same league as cancer.

It sucks, it’s a bloody mess (literally and emotionally) but it’s barely more than a collection of cells. They are mourning an idea, not a baby. Loss of potential, not a person.

wherehastheyeargone · 02/10/2023 19:16

@Atethehalloweenchocs I've known a few of my friends defo prefer this approach. However, I had one friend who wanted to ignore what was happening and never speak of it. But, I guess it's just about knowing your friends / family and taking your lead from them.

Yummymummy2020 · 02/10/2023 19:19

Op, I wonder, and you may have answered in a previous post and I didn’t see it, but did you check in on them when they had their loss? It’s so so tough losing a baby, we lost one last year and it nearly destroyed both of us. I can totally understand her feelings if you didn’t check in on them and see how she was doing, but even if you did, I understand the pain of seeing new babies and pregnancies so soon after a loss. I definitely think she should be given some grace for sure in this situation.

chillin12 · 02/10/2023 19:22

Dayumm! OP is getting such a bashing and a load of assumptions. I don’t think she is expecting support from her brother and SIL for her traumatic birth, but simply an acknowledgement, given they are family, who were presumably close enough. She is not to blame for their loss, and its not too much to expect your OWN brother to send a congrats for his new niece and check on his sisters health. If that is too hard for SIL to do, even just a text to see how she’s doing isn’t too much to ask. This is assuming they had a good relationship before and there’s no history of bad blood. As said previously, SIL can deal with her situation to whichever way suits her, and may they be blessed with a baby of their own in future. But it is NOT fair to act cold towards OP, nor is it fair for her own brother to dismiss her birth and new baby arrival. I’m sure OP has compassion towards their situation, and it seems reasonable for her to want a little contact.

Original poster
Lizahake · 02/10/2023 19:22

Yummymummy2020 · 02/10/2023 19:19

Op, I wonder, and you may have answered in a previous post and I didn’t see it, but did you check in on them when they had their loss? It’s so so tough losing a baby, we lost one last year and it nearly destroyed both of us. I can totally understand her feelings if you didn’t check in on them and see how she was doing, but even if you did, I understand the pain of seeing new babies and pregnancies so soon after a loss. I definitely think she should be given some grace for sure in this situation.

Yes- I absolutely did.
I sent my love and well wishes for sure.

OP posts:
OneBigToDoList · 02/10/2023 19:31

I agree with this, it’s not your fault so the coldness is uncalled for. You are also postpartum and dealing with everything that brings. I would speak to your brother and try to ask how they are as what would’ve been their due date approaches. Show that you are thinking of them and hopefully he will also realise that as your brother he should be thinking of you too

thelonemommabear · 02/10/2023 19:33

The thing is being sent well wishes from someone who is still pregnant with a healthy baby and not experienced loss just isn't really worth as much (sorry that sounds really rude and I'm not articulating it very well) it's just that when I had my losses well wishes and love from someone like yourself came across as rather superficial and perfunctory.

You don't know what's going on behind the scenes and if they've had more losses or bad news fertility wise - trust me once you are down that rabbit hole you can lose touch with the rest of the world very quickly as you focus on trying to achieve the one thing that lots (most ) of other women achieve so easily

Ahnobother · 02/10/2023 19:40

@Atethehalloweenchocs
I really appreciated people acknowledging my miscarriages. I knew it wasn't an easy thing for them to bring up and just the effort helped even if sometimes the words were clunky. For me it also put them in context - the number of people who'd had this happen but then went on to have families - it helped me realise firstly that I wasn't alone and secondly that I needed to put a good effort in to getting on with things to be in the best space for whatever was ahead.

OP I hope that your brother and SIL can visit or acknowledge your baby soon, this isn't the answer in the long term.

applesandmares · 02/10/2023 19:44

@Lizahake
Congratulations on your baby and sorry to hear about the traumatic birth.

I lost my first baby about a month after my partner's brother and his wife had their baby. I struggled immensely being around the baby. I wouldn't hold her (I doubt this was obvious to everyone else as they were too busy queuing up to cuddle her!). We went out for dinner on one occasion and the sight of her almost brought me to tears. It's a very visceral pain to hold a small baby in your arms, knowing that you'll never hold your baby the same way.

I didn't mention this to anyone obviously, I held it all in, but I wouldn't be surprised if they felt I was cold or uninterested at the time.

Time heals all wounds though and after a few months I got there. My relationship with my BIL/SIL is fantastic. I'm grateful they didn't "push" me, and gave me my space without me having to ask for it. We never addressed it.

If you genuinely want to protect your relationship with SIL, give her time. Don't wind your parents up about this (I don't know how they became involved!), don't ask SIL why she's been distant, just leave them be, and they'll come round when they're ready.