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Original poster

Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

223 replies

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 14:57

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

OP posts:
HickoryStump · 02/10/2023 15:27

I'm years removed from my first m/c now and if I think back to when we found out we'd lost them it still makes me go numb. My closest friend was a few weeks apart from me and she thankfully had flawless pregnancy.
I really struggled to be around their family, neither of us had a clue what to say to each other for months and it took us 2 years to be able to have an open conversation about what happened, despite me having my own by then.
She doesn't resent you, she's grieving and desperately trying to protect herself. You have no idea how you'd have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot. Please enjoy your baby and choose to welcome SiL back when she is ready, which if you're actually that close, she will be trying to figure out.
Your brother however, should be managing this better and owes you a congratulations and a quick visit, he should also be managing parent relations.

HermioneWeasley · 02/10/2023 15:28

Yep @Millybob - one for each of us

HatandCat · 02/10/2023 15:29

We are just offering you another perspective as people who had suffered miscarriage(s) and/ or trouble conceiving and how difficult it is to be around new babies/ pregnant people. How is that judgemental or making assumptions?

yes we are making assumption that your brother and SIL are devastated that their baby died but that’s not a leap is it….

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Flopsythebunny · 02/10/2023 15:29

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:16

ouch

Their baby died, yours didn't. Have a bit of compassion.

cushioncovers · 02/10/2023 15:29

Your sil and brother are being unreasonable to snub you and your baby. I understand they must be struggling to accept it hasn't happened for them yet but they can't treat you like dirt just because you were able to have a child.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2023 15:29

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:22

I rarely post in forums because of ‘ people like you ‘ - you are being incredibly judgemental and making assumptions

We can only judge based on what you tell us. What are people assuming about you?

You can say "ouch" all you like. All the comments on here together can't match the pain from pregnancy loss.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 02/10/2023 15:30

Congratulations on your baby.
I was fortunate enough not to suffer a miscarriage, but had been trying for a baby for years until I actually conceived. I hated my sil with a passion for daring to become pregnant when we were struggling. I knew it was irrational but it was how I felt, so I took a step back. This is probably how your SIL feels. Everything in all about your baby, and it constantly reminds her of what she lost.
Be patient. This shouldn’t be causing drama and upset, you have enough doting family members to allow your db and sil the space they need to cope quietly and in there own way.

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 15:34

I think everyone would agree that the mature thing to do would probably be to not let your own grief marr your sis in laws joy for their new baby. Ideally she should have sent congrats and came to visit and then just cry in private.
But grief hits each of us differently and we sometimes struggle to think rationally.

I would give her time, spvace and understanding. It took them some time to conceive and now they lost their long wanted baby and it seems like the y haven't conceived again yet. It is hard, even harder when you're now forced for propriety's sake to gush over someone else's baby. It is painful.
With respect, I get that it hurts that they are not happy or gushing about the baby but the mature thing from your side would be to be understanding and give them the benefit of the doubt . You say you're a close knit family, then it will come right again. Don't push them away by forcing contact with newborn.
Congrats on your new baby!!

SBHon · 02/10/2023 15:34

Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:22

I rarely post in forums because of ‘ people like you ‘ - you are being incredibly judgemental and making assumptions

Is that to someone in particular? Don’t hit ‘reply’, hit ‘’quote’ (it’s usually in the three dot menu, top right).

KeepNameChanging81 · 02/10/2023 15:35

You don’t know how you would handle something unless it happened to you. You really need to just get on and enjoy your baby and in their own time they’ll be in touch. I’m not saying it won’t hurt you but just think about them.

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 15:36

HickoryStump · 02/10/2023 15:27

I'm years removed from my first m/c now and if I think back to when we found out we'd lost them it still makes me go numb. My closest friend was a few weeks apart from me and she thankfully had flawless pregnancy.
I really struggled to be around their family, neither of us had a clue what to say to each other for months and it took us 2 years to be able to have an open conversation about what happened, despite me having my own by then.
She doesn't resent you, she's grieving and desperately trying to protect herself. You have no idea how you'd have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot. Please enjoy your baby and choose to welcome SiL back when she is ready, which if you're actually that close, she will be trying to figure out.
Your brother however, should be managing this better and owes you a congratulations and a quick visit, he should also be managing parent relations.

Sorry, why? He is grieving just as much as his wife. He also lost his baby. Why is she allowed grief but he must suck it up.
The sexism.

Firebug007 · 02/10/2023 15:37

Oh god I don't mean to be rude but you sound just like my awful SILs who sailed through their pregnancies and couldn't understand why I took a back seat from them as I suffered MCs. Enjoy your baby and leave her alone, you have no idea what she's been through and how she feels, it's not all about you.

wildwestpioneer · 02/10/2023 15:42

Their child has died, please show some compassion, and stop thinking about yourselves.

You can never understand how awful it is to miscarry unless it's happened to you. Fertility issues can be soul destroying, especially when people around you are pregnant or just had babies

Gazelda · 02/10/2023 15:42

I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth. I hope you are getting support to process it.

I'm guessing that your SIL's miscarriage was about 12 weeks ago? That's not long at all. It must still be awfully raw for her. And she'll likely never get over it completely.

Try to be a little understanding at how difficult this is for her and your DB.

She bravely attended a function where she was expected but she knew you'd be there. She didn't avoid it. She just managed it in the way she felt able.

She's been distant since then. Not contacted you. Can you try to understand how painful she is finding this? And your DB too. Don't put all of this on her.

I'm sure you are trying to be understanding. And that you are counting your blessings on having your treasured baby. Please try not to let this dissolve into a family drama. That's the last thing you or she needs right now. She's giving you space, please allow her to have the same until she feels ready.

You've both been through your own difficulties. But you've got a lovely baby to help you recover from yours. She has aching arms.

WhatAreYouWaitingFor · 02/10/2023 15:42

HickoryStump · 02/10/2023 15:27

I'm years removed from my first m/c now and if I think back to when we found out we'd lost them it still makes me go numb. My closest friend was a few weeks apart from me and she thankfully had flawless pregnancy.
I really struggled to be around their family, neither of us had a clue what to say to each other for months and it took us 2 years to be able to have an open conversation about what happened, despite me having my own by then.
She doesn't resent you, she's grieving and desperately trying to protect herself. You have no idea how you'd have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot. Please enjoy your baby and choose to welcome SiL back when she is ready, which if you're actually that close, she will be trying to figure out.
Your brother however, should be managing this better and owes you a congratulations and a quick visit, he should also be managing parent relations.

Exactly this

Original poster
Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:46

For the record:
yes I sent my condolences
i did not ‘ sail through’ my pregnancy
I have not forced any contact since having the baby/ sent pictures/ mugs with footprints/ been insensitive/ whined to my parents/ been visited by my brother and sister in law.
I have experienced loss and grief and am not a stranger to it. I am also not expecting anyone to be ‘ gushing’ but i really do want to have a good relationship with my sister in law.

OP posts:
Mmmmboppp · 02/10/2023 15:46

Did you send condolences when she had the MC? You didn’t say. You also made a point of this being your parents first grandchild, which probably hurts even more for your brother and SIL. It’s likely she was cold to you at the wedding as you were heavily pregnant and she had just had a miscarriage! I think you need to give this one a bit more time.

SBHon · 02/10/2023 15:50

i really do want to have a good relationship with my sister in law.
That’s good. Take in the comments then and appreciate that she needs time. And you’ll both need to work on it when the time comes.

Again your brother is missing from this. I’m assuming you want a friendship with her more than a good sibling relationship with him? Or you think it will be easier to get back on track with him than it will be with her?

Cornishclio · 02/10/2023 15:53

I think if you want a good relationship with your SIL you should make any conversations about her and your brothers loss. Sorry you had a traumatic birth but you will need to look elsewhere for support as they are grieving and you have your baby. It is a shame but not surprising really. Hopefully given time and eventually a successful pregnancy will mend fences. In the meantime let them know you are open to a visit but don't push it. It is early days. A lot of people mc on their first, myself included but hopefully they will go on to have more children.

SherbetLemonn · 02/10/2023 15:53

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2023 15:03

It's all well and good you saying you would put this aside, but until you are in this situation you couldn't possibly imagine.

Exactly. You sound so smug saying that op, just cut them some slack and let it be. If you had an otherwise happy relationship prior to this, then this has obviously had a big impact on them and you shouldn’t dismiss their grief so easily.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2023 15:56

Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do. She's behaving rudely towards you. She could have sent a card and gift through the post, and avoided you that way. She can still acknowledge you at family events, it costs nothing to say hello, followed by a hug. Leave it to them. You may find your parents stop inviting them over at the same time as you, or sil just never come to your parents at the same time as you. It's sad, but it's down to them to change, not you.

Original poster
Lizahake · 02/10/2023 15:57

Cornishclio · 02/10/2023 15:53

I think if you want a good relationship with your SIL you should make any conversations about her and your brothers loss. Sorry you had a traumatic birth but you will need to look elsewhere for support as they are grieving and you have your baby. It is a shame but not surprising really. Hopefully given time and eventually a successful pregnancy will mend fences. In the meantime let them know you are open to a visit but don't push it. It is early days. A lot of people mc on their first, myself included but hopefully they will go on to have more children.

My point about a traumatic birth is that this has not been an easy time for me and I am
most definitely not being ‘smug’ about anything.
I also have not pushed anything/ asked anyone to visit or contact me.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/10/2023 15:58

I think your brother and sil are behaving very badly- im not insensitive to what they have been through- but you can’t punish others. I’d be inclined to reach out to my brother and tell him I miss him- and start with him And the distance is affecting your parents.

HickoryStump · 02/10/2023 16:00

@Ohhbaby - Yeh, I did consider how that was going to come across and my DH was just as crushed in our experience but felt it was unnecessary bumf in this context.
However, base line, she'll be having to manage her family, he should be managing his. Plus the physical trials of a miscarriage will have fallen on her so in the interests of equality, I'd be expecting him to do a bit of fielding of this particular situation.

Original poster
Lizahake · 02/10/2023 16:01

SherbetLemonn · 02/10/2023 15:53

Exactly. You sound so smug saying that op, just cut them some slack and let it be. If you had an otherwise happy relationship prior to this, then this has obviously had a big impact on them and you shouldn’t dismiss their grief so easily.

Show quote history

i am not dismissing grief
It was not my intention to come across as smug

OP posts: