Sister in Law and brother issues since having baby

[Lizahake]

Just looking for some advice from people who may have had a similar experience.
I have just had my first baby at 36. She is my parents’ first grandchild as my two brothers don’t have children yet.
My partner and I started trying for a baby at the exact time my brother and my sister in law did ( coincidentally).
I got pregnant after a few months and she got pregnant 6 months later.
Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. At this point in time I was nearly due to give birth. We all attended a family wedding at this time and she did not talk to me ( only very briefly and was very cold). This was very much out of character. She has not spoken to me since and has not contacted me since I gave birth to say congrats/ or check in on me and her niece. Sadly, my brother has also has very limited contact with me as a result.
I had a very traumatic birth and I live away from my family. It has not been easy for us and I am hurt that my brother and sister in law have not been in contact. Baby girl is 8 weeks old now.
we are a close knit family and there are rarely conflicts. I treat my sister in law like a sister and she is very much part of our family. My parents are struggling with this too as she feels this has created an unnecessary divide / resentment that need not be there.
I do understand that having a miscarriage must be awful but if the shoe were on the other foot, I would put this aside
and at the very least say congratulations.
my sister in law and I were by no means best mates, but we did stay in regular contact and enjoy time spent together. I feel the relationship will not be the same because of her resentment and don’t know what to do..

@HermioneKipper I'm glad to hear that your life didn't stop when you had a miscarriage, a lot of women unfortunately don't experience loss the same. Please stop trying to tell women that your way is the only (or right) way to feel. Please don't dictate which terminology women can or should use when they talk about their losses. It's pretty foul to be honest.

People experience grief differently and that's ok. Some people will go to work the day after their mum or dad dies, because that works for them. Others won't work for months. Both are acceptable and valid, neither need judgement from others.

Yes it's hard for her, but you've just had a baby - a time when a women is hugely vulnerable and liable to struggle. I dislike how such behaviour is so often given a complete pass because "it must be so hard" - we all go through hardships, what about how hard this huge adjustment is for you?! Rudeness and coldness is pretty inexcusable under the circumstances. A brief explanation that she finds it painful and basic politeness and care towards a new born and their mother is not too much to ask for.

How nasty some of you are to a woman who has recently experienced a traumatic birth and is adjusting to having a newborn without any family support. Shameful.

Are you seriously saying a miscarriage at 7 weeks is “the death of your baby.”

Get a grip.

Yes it’s unpleasant but it’s not the death of a baby. It’s not a late term loss or stillbirth. Nothing like.

Its extremely insulting to people who’ve experienced actual trauma.

my point was that this has been very hard for me too.. not a walk in the park

You're coming across as entitled and unsympathetic. Just because you've had it hard doesn't mean it's equal to the loss of a baby. You still have your baby with you. Just because you cope doesn't mean your sister in law reacts the same way.

The fact is you're not even taking the advice from previous poster. It's still all about ...."me me me...."

Get over yourself.

To those people who have sadly had miscarriages - would it have helped to have the tension and difficulty acknowleged? Like, I understand this must be such a difficult time for you, I love you and miss you and wish you the best. Or would have it made it worse if someone had said that to you

It made me feel worse of someone had of said sorry or that to me, cause I hate being a weak person and crying, but I cried when someone did mention it.

@HermioneKipper
Are you having a laugh, a loss is a loss, no matter when it happens a hb can be found at 7 weeks, when someone gets a positive test they start planning dreaming, it's a baby to them.

@HermioneKipper What a despicable thing to say. Grief isn't a competition.

Cutting off your SIL who’s had a traumatic birth after a previously close relationship because of a 7 week miscarriage is nuts.

Along with a lot of other people on this thread it seems …

You are definitely allowed to be upset by their lack of acknowledgement and the fact that 2 people who would normally have been 100% in your corner offering support during a difficult time for you weren't able to be there. You are also allowed to be upset by the change in your family dynamic and relationship in general.
Its a horrible situation with awful ripple effects and your feelings are totally valid.
Just try and and remember that your brother and SIL are probably doing the best they can during the horrible situation that they are in the middle of and hope that when they start to get out the other end of it that you guys can rebuild your relationship.
Congratulations on your little one.

@HermioneKipper well a miscarriage at 7 weeks indicates that the foetus might well have had a heartbeat, and now does not. It's not how I would refer to my loss, but I am respectful of the language others use when they talk about their experience, because I'm compassionate.

Whilst we can probably all agree that a late term loss or stillbirth is more tragic/devastating etc it isn't a competition and doesn't mean that no one else is entitled to grieve their loss, no matter how early it was.

We have no reason to believe OP has been cut off either. It's perfectly normal for someone who has recently experienced a loss to distance themselves from babies and it's often advised to women to protect their own mental health.

OP actually wants a relationship with her SIL, so approaching her with your attitude isn't likely to help sustain that relationship.

I had a miscarriage in April at 10 weeks. It was pretty traumatic for myself and my husband. We still haven't got over it nor the IVF miscarriage in 2020. You can't police what is traumatic or not. Pretty sure I had PTSD from the extreme bleeding of the 10 week one. My husband said I fitted during that. Go tell him it wasn't traumatic!

OP also had a traumatic birth. I had both this and an early miscarriage (plus d&c and excessive bleeding) and I know which one was closest to giving me ptsd. It isn't a competition of trauma. The sil and bil are going through some hard stuff. and the OP also went through some hard stuff. Not many people on this site would think a complete blank from a sil you are close to is good after a traumatic birth and arrival of a baby. even a quick "congrats and wishing you health. sorry if I am not around but you'll understand" would be something.

It is a sad thing but life does actually go on and you can't take your trauma or grief out on other people forever - or even for very long.

It's been hard for you but at the end of the day you can pick your baby up and cuddle them, smell them, watch them grow. Your brother and his wife have had all that taken away. Have a little compassion, give them space, hopefully, for their sake, they will start to heal but you can't dictate when that will happen.

Where does it say she hasn't had any family support and if she hasn't maybe her parents and her other brother should step up rather than having that expectation of her brother and his wife who are clearly struggling with the miscarriage.

Exactly

Have a little compassion, give them space, hopefully, for their sake, they will start to heal but you can't dictate when that will happen.

If it takes 2-3 months to start to heal from the trauma of a miscarriage at 7 weeks - the trauma being so bad you can't acknowledge the birth of your niece - well tbh they need help and should be seeing someone to help them through this.

Where is the compassion for the OP? where the space to heal from a traumatic birth? I suspect most of the posters on here have never experienced a traumatic birth. It is devastating and then to have a woman you are close to not even acknowledge the birth of your child afterwards ... of course the OP is upset.

That's the main issue isn't it. One in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. When I was pregnant you were told to wait until you got passed 12 weeks before you told anyone other than immediate family and wait until you get passed the 20 week anomaly scan before you even start to plan anything.

I’m reading some of these replies with horror, having been in this situation.

There is no side to pick. Both sides are having a hard time. It’s shit for absolutely everyone, believe me.

I think there is an unfair level of focus on your SIL here. I know you are close but still, your primary relation is your brother, your post reads like she is the one you're related to/the main person who should have contacted you.

It's not just a miscarriage though is it?

It's that they want a baby and are seemingly having a hard time getting one.

It's probably still raw. You have what they desperately want.

Some people could soldier through it, but for whatever reason they can't or have decided not to.

You say you want a relationship (as opposed to a card, acknowledgment etc) - well this is part of a relationship- they're having a hard time and need some space.

Give them grace.

It's still a relationship- just not the one you want.

OP I have read all your posts, and all the replies up to and including your 3rd posts.

I don't think the first responses were harsh.

Yes you can feel sad that you don't have that relationship with your SIL at rhe minute. It may come back. But as you have experienced trauma and grief yourself you'll realise that everyone handles it differently, and there's not a time limit.

Yes, feel sad. But she's not in a position to engage with you right now, so accept that for what it is and focus on the relationships with people who are in a position to engage and can support.

Have you had the opportunity to work through your birth trauma? Have you had a review with the medical staff? Done any talking therapy?

Gosh, I wish I hadn’t read this thread this morning! Having had a complicated MC earlier this year, and now struggling with difficult feelings around SIL’s pregnancy, some of these replies make me feel pretty shit.

I appreciate what @SunRainStorm wrote above. A MC isn’t (just) an event that happened in the past, and which you get further away from as time moves on. It creates a gaping hole where your baby should be. That’s sad today. And every time DB and SIL see or engage with you and your baby OP, it’s renewing the loss for them. The sadness happens again, because your baby is here and growing and theirs isn’t. Can you understand why they might choose to limit how much they put themselves through that? Saying “in their shoes I would do XYZ” shows you haven’t really got any idea about what they’re going through, because until you experience a MC you just don’t know how you’ll respond. I get it - I judged others for what I saw as moping around before I had one. But please listen to those writing from the other side giving you some insight into what might be SIL’s experience.

I appreciate after a difficult birth and in the postpartum period you want, need and deserve support. Absolutely. Find people who can give it to you. DB and SIL have shown that’s not them right now.

(And YES to those posters asking where the expectations of DB are in all this, and why it’s all on SIL as the wicked witch - though frankly DB’s primary loyalty is to his DW, not DSis, so if he’s honouring her by staying quiet so be it.)

And for goodness sake OP, stop involving your parents!! It’s you who’s creating a rift in the family by doing that!

Congratulations on your baby - really, knowing how precious that gift is, I celebrate with you. I hope you get the support you need.

A long time ago my sister (who I adore) and I were pregnant at the same time. I had lots of fantasies of how lovely it would be to give birth at the same time and the kids grow up together but sadly I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I'd already had one miscarriage

So then the whole time during her pregnancy I was dealing with the loss of our baby but also the fear that I would never be able to carry a live baby to term. We'd been trying at least 2 years with no live baby by then. At that time in my life I found it hard to see any pregnant women or babies even ones on formula ads gave me the rage. I felt incredibly sad and honestly angry and jealous overlaid with guilt that I knew my feelings were my own fault and not reasonable at all but I still had them

Despite the fact that I am really close to my sister and wanted to be happy for her I found it really really hard to see her. It's bringing tears to my eyes to think of it even now. I had to force myself to go and meet my nephew when he was born. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to put a brave face on it. I worried I would cry and embarrass myself that's how bad I felt.

Actually it was a relief. I held him and I knew he wasn't mine and weirdly I felt OK with it after that. It probably helped that I was pregnant again by then although I had no hope at all that it would work out after 2 miscarriages.
Fortunately it did and the 2 cousins are best of friends now and beg to see each other and my sister and I are as close as ever but it was a strange and horrible time in my life

I never told my sister exactly how I felt because I was ashamed of how unreasonable it was and didn't want to spoil her happiness but I expect she noticed and knew why. I couldn't even talk to my mum because it would have been like asking her to choose sides. If anyone did ask how I was I expect I tried to pretend I was OK. Avoidance was much easier.

So basically, as others have said, please cut her some slack. It's not just the loss it's the ongoing pain and worries about infertility. She's likely avoiding you because she isn't capable of feeling unconditionally happy for you. Please be kind. It's a special kind of pain when having a baby seems easy to others and isn't working out for you.

You can't dictate how long people should grieve, not your decision.

As for the OP having a traumatic birth well she has a baby so it was worth it, the trauma of miscarriage is different as you have nothing at the end of it. I've had traumatic births, with one I was rushed into theatre, they didn't even let DH say goodbye or tell him what was happening as suddenly alarms were going off and they grabbed my bed and ran. I got over that the minute my baby was put in my arms, does that mean the OP should get over her trauma instantly? No of course it doesn't because we are all different.

Don't judge other people.